Pulled between life and death

[rabbithole]

I can't tell if I'm in a unique situation or if others have experienced this particular brand of Hell. So

I want to live a life, but can't due to disease (not terminal, just leaves me with no life to live), I'm afraid to die because it means I'll miss out on life - which I've established I can't have anyway - but sometimes I think I'll settle for just existing and breathing and not ctb. But then experiencing the emptiness of that makes me want to ctb immediately.

I also want to ctb because I've been bullied heavily for my appearance (I used to have bad skin, I'm still not attractive but I don't hate how I look anymore either) and it obliterated my self esteem and sense of self. I was scared of people for a decade. Tons of residual problems because of that.

if someone could guarantee I'd ctb if I attempted I'd probably do it. I'm so scared to fail. I was already in a ward for two months. Can't do it again. Hell no.

 

[WornOutLife]

I see. You were in hell: psych wards.
I failed too but ended up losing my freedom and being a prisoner at my parents' house.

I'm really scared of failing too. I hope we ctb successfully next time.

Hugs!

 

[rabbithole]

I see. You were in hell: psych wards.
I failed too but ended up losing my freedom and being a prisoner at my parents' house.

I'm really scared of failing too. I hope we ctb successfully next time.

Hugs!

Hugs to you too.

yeah psych wards are terrifying. My sister told me it was like a vacation for her so I went voluntarily after I got a spinal cord injury from a lumbar puncture. I was very suicidal and my parents couldn't handle it so I checked myself in. What a mistake. Couldn't get out for a month, went to iop and they basically forced me back into the ward for another month...just two weeks after getting out.

 

[astro]

Currently I'm in between life and death as well. My illness has robbed me of the potential to experience any joy and at the same time it prevents me from suiciding because it affected my brain in a way where it's impossible to have any motivation at all. Not quite the same thing as you described but I relate to that horrible feeling of being stuck between life and death.

 

[rabbithole]

Currently I'm in between life and death as well. My illness has robbed me of the potential to experience any joy and at the same time it prevents me from suiciding because it affected my brain in a way where it's impossible to have any motivation at all. Not quite the same thing as you described but I relate to that horrible feeling of being stuck between life and death.

Ugh it's such a horrific feeling. I am so sorry you feel it also. It's definitely a certain kind of hell.

i also don't have the motivation to really do anything although I did gather the materials for sn and I tried a small amount of it twice now just as a dumb experiment. Hoping I get the guts to go through with it.

 

[EmptyManForever]

Yes I feel you, I have no motivation as well, to ctb , I'm also stuck between life and death, it really sux not been able to make a decision, its like I'm on the fence ,and literally have no one to even talk to , the only friend I had has given up on me, yet I somehow hold onto life, just like many of you all I could wish for right now is I go to sleep and never wake up again but then the reality is im young and healthy as of right now , so dunno when I'll die unless I take matters into my own hands and end it all but it feels so scary to actually attempt