Venting PTSD from abuse

[BrokenBeing]

My home is realistically the best place for me to ctb but I'm deadly afraid of my mother's reaction to this if I fail. I think my life will be a living hell after that. I won't have a second chance to do it because she will control my every step. She abused me badly back in my childhood, often got drunk and did insane things, took me to different places and didn't get me home after midnight, screamed at me for my attempts to reach out to her, threatened to choke me to death if I dare to prevent her from getting drunk, kept me isolated and quiet so that I won't come in contact with anyone and tell this. Due to this, I was raised very shy and couldn't stand for myself so I was bullied at school. Later my situation only got worse, I developed depression and PTSD, my nervous system is weak and broken. I also developed derealization symptom that resulted in partial loss of memory and cognitive skills. I am completely dysfunctional in terms of socialization, I can't do a short walk without hearing someone hissing on me, I just look and act so awkwardly and repulsive, noone wants to associate with me. Now everyone in my family is expecting from me to study because I managed to apply to university previous year somehow. But honestly it's the last thing I want right now. I'm just so exhausted and desperate I want to end it all soon. I just need to find the right location for ctb and it's done. But I'm very afraid of failure. If they get me home from the hospital I won't endure my mother's wrath and that'll be hell. I don't know to do.

 

[person123]

I got OCD, after cyberbullying, and cyberstalking. I was not ready for it, so I was nervous a lot, and it fucked up my mental health. The physical health followed the mental health, cause mental health affects the behaviour, and I stopped brushing my teeth, and taking care of my body.