Venting Psychiatrist appointment tomorrow

[l1ablemistakes]

I'm not sure how honest to be. My psychiatrist is really understanding and knows most of my situation, maybe just not how severely suicidal I am. I know I need to change my meds but I don't know how much to tell her. I don't want to get locked away.

 

[SentimentalTrip]

One way you might go about this is by saying that you're having passive suicidal thoughts that you would never act on but that are causing you a lot of distress. No way they'd lock you away for saying that. Not sure what they prescribe for that, but hopefully they give you something that ends up being effective.

 

[l1ablemistakes]

One way you might go about this is by saying that you're having passive suicidal thoughts that you would never act on but that are causing you a lot of distress. No way they'd lock you away for saying that. Not sure what they prescribe for that, but hopefully they give you something that ends up being effective.

Definitely going to do that at the very least. I've admitted before to having intent and plans and didnt get locked up right away, they just referred me to a private ward (who ended up rejecting me for being too 'high risk').
No clue what they'll do with my meds now. I've been on like 6 different ones. Maybe 7th time's the charm. I'll probably still CTB but I genuinely cannot stand feeling like this every day and I want something to make it easier til then.

 

[idontknowwhatiam]

One way you might go about this is by saying that you're having passive suicidal thoughts that you would never act on but that are causing you a lot of distress. No way they'd lock you away for saying that. Not sure what they prescribe for that, but hopefully they give you something that ends up being effective.

This

 

[copioushopelessness]

If you don't mind answering, what meds do you take? I finally caved to medication, made me much worse. Medication works differently for everyone. I'm pretty sure they can at least put you on a 72 hour watch at the ER even for ideation, depends where you are or how they feel about it. They don't always send you to a ward after but they try to encourage it. Having a plan they take more seriously. Depends how honest you want to be with the psychiatrist. My doctors clinic automatically immediately gives everyone a depression screening. What makes me depressed is they spend most of a 15 minute appointment asking those questions then I feel like I don't get my physical health concerns heard.
I'm glad your psychiatrist is understanding, I've dealt with some not so understanding professionals and had my life turned upside down because of it. I think it's all up to the individual how much you want to disclose.
Would you feel better if you told her?

Definitely going to do that at the very least. I've admitted before to having intent and plans and didnt get locked up right away, they just referred me to a private ward (who ended up rejecting me for being too 'high risk').
No clue what they'll do with my meds now. I've been on like 6 different ones. Maybe 7th time's the charm. I'll probably still CTB but I genuinely cannot stand feeling like this every day and I want something to make it easier til then.

Rejecting for being too "high risk" what does thay even mean?

Definitely going to do that at the very least. I've admitted before to having intent and plans and didnt get locked up right away, they just referred me to a private ward (who ended up rejecting me for being too 'high risk').
No clue what they'll do with my meds now. I've been on like 6 different ones. Maybe 7th time's the charm. I'll probably still CTB but I genuinely cannot stand feeling like this every day and I want something to make it easier til then.

Rejecting for being too "high risk" what does thay even mean?
A good professional is key. I think being honest when you are feeling really down doesn't always hurt. I'm not trying to dissuade you with my situation. The only thing I can say about meds is tapering them slowly can be important. There can be major discontinuation symptoms. Sometimes switching them too fast and too often can destabilize. Depending on the med I would look into hyperbolic tapering. Not all professionals are keen to that. Usually they try to switch it immediately. Have you ever had any withdrawal when stopping a med?

 

[a-lien]

I always try to be as honest as I can..(but not to end up in hospital, when I don't want to- I don't !)

In the last years, it was always ok to say that I have these thoughs for so long,
it's also ok to say, that you are unsure how long you can stand this...(I often say this )
When you don't tell her you know your exact date, when you want to ctb.. then it's ok.
They maybe ask, if they will see you next time...I think, that's the most important question.

Maybe she could help in another way.... more appointments, something like that ?
Some psychiatrist know that hospital maybe is not "the solution"...

 

[l1ablemistakes]

If you don't mind answering, what meds do you take? I finally caved to medication, made me much worse. Medication works differently for everyone

I'm on venlafaxine now, 112.5mg. It's awful and I get the worst withdrawals even if I miss one day. In the past I've tried fluoxetine, sertraline, quetiapine, atomoxetine, and citalopram.

Rejecting for being too "high risk" what does thay even mean?
A good professional is key. I think being honest when you are feeling really down doesn't always hurt. I'm not trying to dissuade you with my situation.

I think they were worried I'd hurt myself in the ward and they'd be liable for my safety. They told me to go to the public ED, which I'm extremely reluctant to do. First of all I work in a public ED and I see how mental health patients get treated- not always great. I think they can only put you on a 24 hour hold and after that it has to be voluntary. I think if I got sent home after admitting everything that's going on, it would be extremely invalidating and triggering and I'd probably do something stupid to prove them wrong. Not sure how much an admission would help, especially if I have to go public instead of private.

My psychiatrist will probably want to admit me though. Part of me feels like it'll be a huge weight off my shoulders if I'm honest, and part of me feels like if I actually wanted to die I wouldn't admit it.

I always try to be as honest as I can..(but not to end up in hospital, when I don't want to- I don't !)

In the last years, it was always ok to say that I have these thoughs for so long,
it's also ok to say, that you are unsure how long you can stand this...(I often say this )
When you don't tell her you know your exact date, when you want to ctb.. then it's ok.
They maybe ask, if they will see you next time...I think, that's the most important question.

Maybe she could help in another way.... more appointments, something like that ?
Some psychiatrist know that hospital maybe is not "the solution"...

I'll be honest enough that something drastic needs to happen. She tends to be extremely understanding about my aversion to hospitals, especially since this isnt an acute crisis. Hopefully just more appointments or better meds. I might even ask about TMS.

 

[copioushopelessness]

Ugh, venlafaxine does have some major withdrawls. You might have to taper that one carefully. Dr Josef Witt-Doerring on youtube and facebook has some informative videos. Quetiapine (seroquel) is an antipsychotic, it's not as bad as some but try to avoid those as they block dopamine and serotonin. They give them off label for things that aren't psychosis so be careful. If they ever try to give you olanzapine say HELL NO. Coming off antipsychotics is not only brutal withdrawal it can cause worsening psychosis than before or psychosis in people that never had it before. I havent tried atomoxetine and citalopram but I've tried the others.
If you watch any of that Drs vids I suggested watch his tier list of which drugs are hardest to come off. I think the easiest one to come off is wellbutrin but I don't know the generic name for that.
Oh right it is a 24 hour hold, they had me in the ed for 3 days but I eventually told them to let me leave. They wanted to admit me but I eventually calmed down enough to avoid involuntary committment. You work in the ed huh? So you've definitely seen some stuff.. yeah psyche patients don't always get the best treament that's for sure.
I don't know much about tms but it sounds interesting. Sounds less freaky the ect.
And worried they would be liable for your safety? That's weird I thought the whole point of being admitted to a ward is because one is safe to be alone.

 

[l1ablemistakes]

Ugh, venlafaxine does have some major withdrawls. You might have to taper that one carefully. Dr Josef Witt-Doerring on youtube and facebook has some informative videos. Quetiapine (seroquel) is an antipsychotic, it's not as bad as some but try to avoid those as they block dopamine and serotonin. They give them off label for things that aren't psychosis so be careful. If they ever try to give you olanzapine say HELL NO. Coming off antipsychotics is not only brutal withdrawal it can cause worsening psychosis than before or psychosis in people that never had it before. I havent tried atomoxetine and citalopram but I've tried the others.
If you watch any of that Drs vids I suggested watch his tier list of which drugs are hardest to come off. I think the easiest one to come off is wellbutrin but I don't know the generic name for that.
Oh right it is a 24 hour hold, they had me in the ed for 3 days but I eventually told them to let me leave. They wanted to admit me but I eventually calmed down enough to avoid involuntary committment. You work in the ed huh? So you've definitely seen some stuff.. yeah psyche patients don't always get the best treament that's for sure.
I don't know much about tms but it sounds interesting. Sounds less freaky the ect.
And worried they would be liable for your safety? That's weird I thought the whole point of being admitted to a ward is because one is safe to be alone.

I'm gonna try to avoid more antipsychotics. I was on the seroquel for sleep (I also have chronic insomnia, yay!) and the mood stabilising effects but it gave me a prolonged QT interval and I had to stop. I'm not bipolar or anything so it should be fine. I don't wanna try any more SSRIs or SNRIs because I feel like I've tried enough to know they don't work.

And yeah. I thought it was so weird they refused me. I was voluntary- why would I go into a psych ward just to kill myself there?

 

[copioushopelessness]

I'm gonna try to avoid more antipsychotics. I was on the seroquel for sleep (I also have chronic insomnia, yay!) and the mood stabilising effects but it gave me a prolonged QT interval and I had to stop. I'm not bipolar or anything so it should be fine. I don't wanna try any more SSRIs or SNRIs because I feel like I've tried enough to know they don't work.

And yeah. I thought it was so weird they refused me. I was voluntary- why would I go into a psych ward just to kill myself there?

I got put on seroquel then olanzapine for insomnia induced psychosis. In hindsight I was better off on the low dose of seroquel than olanzapine but they are both shit. Olanzapine made me sleep like a log AT FIRST then one day it started having the opposite effect. I cant sleep naturally at all. Horrendous dreams where I'm still semi conscious idk how to explain it. I twitch awake all night and have tardive dyskenisia and my IQ is WAY lower. I finally tapered down to the lowest dose of olanzapine now I feel stuck here, keep trying to quit and getting deathly ill. Now nothing works for me, I could take 4 muscle relaxers and feel nothing, weed gives me anxiety but not noticeable high. I can barely feel my own skin when I touch it. I have no enjoyable sensations whatsoever. I thought seroquel, ruined me. Antipsychotics mess with my heart too, and liver counts. I'm so glad to hear you're going to avoid them. I should've only taken it for like a week to stabilize. I can't believe some people are given them off label for anxiety and insomnia. They gave me the seroquel for ocd, then the olanzapine when I lost my shit.
Well that rant over, just glad to talk to someone who has some idea about meds.
I guess what I'm wondering, if no ssris and no snris what's left maois?
Yeah it's like you said why would you go voluntarily to commit there. They wouldn't even let me have a hair tye at the hospital, what are you going to do plastic spork yourself to death... I've never heard of too high risk to commit. They deal with worse than you daily I'm sure.
Antipsychotics made me psychotic, I wasn't a risk taker before then I started doing things WAY out of character. I'm not the same person at all and it's why I don't want to live. Ssris blunted my emptions too and gave me extra gastrointestinal problems. I have severe crohns. I think meds are why my bestfriend CTB.
The only thing that ever made me feel "normal" was benzos but they won't prescribe more than 5 at a time and they are dangerously addictive as you know... I'm really just curious what's left to try.
I would give anything for a crumb of dopamine and serotonin but don't want to have "dopamine supersensitivity" my NP doesn't even know the mechanism of action of this antagonist. She said "it keeps the dopamine IN"
I think what they should've given me years ago was adhd meds but I'd probably be too sensitive to take them now. They tried giving me cymbalta saying it would help my fibro pain as well but I heard that one is the hardest to stop, that you have to open it up and count beads.
Sorry for the long ass rant. I really hope you get the help you need and deserve. I think with your medical knowledge you'll have some idea what may or may not work for you.
Let us know how your appt went

 

[l1ablemistakes]

I got put on seroquel then olanzapine for insomnia induced psychosis. In hindsight I was better off on the low dose of seroquel than olanzapine but they are both shit. Olanzapine made me sleep like a log AT FIRST then one day it started having the opposite effect. I cant sleep naturally at all. Horrendous dreams where I'm still semi conscious idk how to explain it. I twitch awake all night and have tardive dyskenisia and my IQ is WAY lower. I finally tapered down to the lowest dose of olanzapine now I feel stuck here, keep trying to quit and getting deathly ill. Now nothing works for me, I could take 4 muscle relaxers and feel nothing, weed gives me anxiety but not noticeable high. I can barely feel my own skin when I touch it. I have no enjoyable sensations whatsoever. I thought seroquel, ruined me. Antipsychotics mess with my heart too, and liver counts. I'm so glad to hear you're going to avoid them. I should've only taken it for like a week to stabilize. I can't believe some people are given them off label for anxiety and insomnia. They gave me the seroquel for ocd, then the olanzapine when I lost my shit.
Well that rant over, just glad to talk to someone who has some idea about meds.
I guess what I'm wondering, if no ssris and no snris what's left maois?
Yeah it's like you said why would you go voluntarily to commit there. They wouldn't even let me have a hair tye at the hospital, what are you going to do plastic spork yourself to death... I've never heard of too high risk to commit. They deal with worse than you daily I'm sure.
Antipsychotics made me psychotic, I wasn't a risk taker before then I started doing things WAY out of character. I'm not the same person at all and it's why I don't want to live. Ssris blunted my emptions too and gave me extra gastrointestinal problems. I have severe crohns. I think meds are why my bestfriend CTB.
The only thing that ever made me feel "normal" was benzos but they won't prescribe more than 5 at a time and they are dangerously addictive as you know... I'm really just curious what's left to try.
I would give anything for a crumb of dopamine and serotonin but don't want to have "dopamine supersensitivity" my NP doesn't even know the mechanism of action of this antagonist. She said "it keeps the dopamine IN"
I think what they should've given me years ago was adhd meds but I'd probably be too sensitive to take them now. They tried giving me cymbalta saying it would help my fibro pain as well but I heard that one is the hardest to stop, that you have to open it up and count beads.
Sorry for the long ass rant. I really hope you get the help you need and deserve. I think with your medical knowledge you'll have some idea what may or may not work for you.
Let us know how your appt went

Thank you for your rant- do not apologise! Same as you, I'm happy to talk to someone who has also been on the meds carousel as much as I have.

Funnily enough, the seroquel really helped my sleep. The only side effects I had were the heart stuff. It's a shame I can't take them anymore. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you- I hope you find something that helps. It sounds like you've got a lot going on mentally and physically.

I reckon I will have to go back on something for sleep. I'm on medicinal marijuana which helps a little bit but tbh the only reason I've been sleeping at all the last few years is alcohol. It's my biggest shame but tbh most days I drink myself to sleep. Havent told any of my professionals about it because I'm too embarrassed but I guess we've seen it all here. I doubt they'd give me benzos or anything like that because like you said, theyre super addictive and I have tried to OD on them in the past. When I started the venlafaxine they were hesitant to even give me 10 for the potential side effects cause they were worried I'd do something dumb with them.

The next steps for me are probably something weird like MAOIs or trycyclics. I doubt they'd want to do ketamine or any of the more serious medications, but I'm open to it. I've done it recreationally lol. I'll update after my appointment, I guess.

In the meantime if you ever need someone to chat to, my inbox is always open.

 

[copioushopelessness]

Same here! I appreciate you, you seem like a good people. Keep me posted because I'm rooting for ya! I enjoyed reading your post and out of all the verbal diarrhea I've had today, this was probably the only thing that felt any bit cathartic. Thank you.

I haven't drank much in years but tempted to try a shot or 5 of the cheap vodka I'm hiding under the sink. Blah, I'd rather have top shelf ;) lol If I don't and I probably won't, tip one back for me.
Maybe if you want to come clean about drinking someday that might help, idk, but that might be opening up a can of worms you're not ready for yet. When you're ready, you'll know what to do, you're smart. Not that being intelligent always makes life easier, it should lol.

I can totally understand the desire to do whatever it takes to sleep. I wish something worked for me. This insomnia is like NOTHING I've ever known and I've been an insomniac my whole life, but used ro eventually crash dead to the world for a while.
I miss medical mary jane. Weed was what kept me going for most my life but yeah it just makes me feel so weird now!
That's cool you're in a legal state. Me too.
I hope you get very restful shuteye. Sweet dreams and goodnight.
Same here, as in, my inbox is open. Lol that probably wasn't clear.

 

[frogs]

Hope you get better!
Maybe worth mentioning the alcohol to check if there are / were side effects of mixing it with whatever meds you try / have tried.

 

[cluefixphantom]

Hey, do you have to see those kinds of people? Can you go away from them? Psychology is a very harmful system, it's a Nazicult and many involved have serious moral depravity. They don't want to help; they want money, and 'eat' from vulnerability. Some are also genozidical, they hold old toxic views toward homosexual, disabled and poor and biol. female people.

I would recommend Instead, try to find information and support online, for example on Reddit communities like r/antipsychiatry and r/therapyabuse.

Don't take their drugs, they damage your organs. Life becomes much harder without good health, and others take advantage of the ill to physically harm them. Homeless women, for example, often experience this very aggressiv, they are attacked physical and by the labor slaves from psychiatric and police institutions. You need to be at least somewhat healthy to be able to defend yourself. In psychiatric wards there is a high risk of getting raped because they dgaf about women's safety.

Their entire business is prescribing pills and stigmatizing people who are struggling as mentally ill, which is then used as a justification to sedate, lobotomize and lock them away. The people who work there are extremely reprehensible.

They are worse than Scientology and Jehovah sect because the state often calls on them for judicial decisions and lets them operate freely so they own more money. I believe cities also receive funding for running psychiatric institutions. In my city, these institutions are everywhere. My area in Germany is right-conservative/liberal, where parties like AfD and CDU are very popular –essentially Nazis and inquisitors. Both are extremely hostile toward poor, disabled women and these rightconservative people want to impose their sick will. All of them are predatory. I endure hate crimes/discrimination because of them, because I fall into the vulnerable group they attack.

 

[l1ablemistakes]

Same here! I appreciate you, you seem like a good people. Keep me posted because I'm rooting for ya! I enjoyed reading your post and out of all the verbal diarrhea I've had today, this was probably the only thing that felt any bit cathartic. Thank you.

I haven't drank much in years but tempted to try a shot or 5 of the cheap vodka I'm hiding under the sink. Blah, I'd rather have top shelf ;) lol If I don't and I probably won't, tip one back for me.
Maybe if you want to come clean about drinking someday that might help, idk, but that might be opening up a can of worms you're not ready for yet. When you're ready, you'll know what to do, you're smart. Not that being intelligent always makes life easier, it should lol.

I can totally understand the desire to do whatever it takes to sleep. I wish something worked for me. This insomnia is like NOTHING I've ever known and I've been an insomniac my whole life, but used ro eventually crash dead to the world for a while.
I miss medical mary jane. Weed was what kept me going for most my life but yeah it just makes me feel so weird now!
That's cool you're in a legal state. Me too.
I hope you get very restful shuteye. Sweet dreams and goodnight.
Same here, as in, my inbox is open. Lol that probably wasn't clear.

So update on my appointment. It went well- I avoided hospitalisation which is always nice. Probably because I wasn't entirely honest but oh well. I received an OCD diagnosis which feels incredibly strange but makes a lot of sense. Turns out a lot of my negative thought patterns are actually pure O. The recommendation is to go toward the max dose of venlafaxine (slowly of course) and switch to a new therapist who specialises in trauma and OCD. Not gonna lie I'm kind of scared to get a new therapist, I've been seeing my current one for years and I think she's great, but I couldn't get an appointment til august. I definitely cannot wait that long.

We talked about my chronic suicidal ideation and how I don't think I'm going to get better. She disagreed and said I can't know the future. Logically I know she is right. She said that the past 10 years have been very traumatic and difficult for me and I've had untreated OCD the entire time, she seems to really believe I can get better. My counter argument was that life is going to keep happening to me and I'm going to keep falling apart over it, so I'd rather die before I have the chance to experience more trauma. She said that's the trauma and anxiety/OCD.

I don't know whether I believe her. She acknowledged that too before I even said anything. I don't know whether I want it to be true or whether I want to kill myself before I have the chance to find out. The urge is so strong and I almost crave it, and a lot of my OCD surrounds suicide. I truly want to be gone before I experience any more trauma or make any more embarrassing mistakes. But a couple of you guys on here have shared similar sentiments. Apparently I seem 'promising'.

But I daydream about the feeling of a noose around my neck, losing consciousness. It's sick but I physically crave it and as the past year has gone by I've been less and less scared.

So, we will see how being on 225mg of venlafaxine treats me. I'm honestly shit scared of the side effects and withdrawals. It's already pretty bad at 112.5. But I'll try anything.