Mushrooms have helped me a lot. I've used them for short courses of microdosing for anti depressant qualities and to feel grounded and connected to nature/the universe.
Shroom full on trips have been great. Taught me a lot, but the last few times when I've come out of the trip I'm left feeling empty that I'm back in "real life" with all its problems.
Out of a desperate last resort, earlier in the year I drank ayahuasca twice and also smoked 5-meo-dmt. I was hoping it would reset something or be the catalyst for healthy change. No. It traumatised me severely, and also made me feel like I experienced the afterlife. I don't know whether it's true or not, but I experienced death. I returned to the place our spirits are before we are born. It's the same place we go when we die. I went there and connected with loved ones I've lost, my child self, and my ancestors. I experienced joy and happiness and pleasure beyond anything I had ever imagined. I experienced the darkest dread-filled feeling, like the ultimate panic attack that lasted for a long long time.
Anyway, I thought I learnt a lot from it, and I was proud I made it through. I came back a new person with a whole new outlook and philosophy on life. Microdosing San Pedro cactus on the journey home helped. Then the people I trusted to serve it to me turned out to be cunts and basically abandoned me afterwards. After they made such a big deal about us now always being connected, and how they would help me with integration etc. because it was so important and they couldn't let me down. Nothing. They were all full of shit. I remember the next morning after my first ceremony feeling so shattered, empty and broken. With heavy anxiety and dread.
I had the 5-meo-dmt on a separate day, and it too was very powerful and taught me a lot, or so I thought.
Now, 5 months later, things have only gotten worse. I fluctuate between thinking:
"It was all just bullshit, everything is meaningless and I don't want to live any more"
To
"I know where we go when we die. I've been there, and I've never experienced anything more real than that. Its truly beautiful and now I know, I see this world as fake, artificial, toxic, a cancer. And want nothing more than to leave this fake world"
A few weeks before the ayahuasca I came close to jumping off a bridge, which is the local hot spot. I said to myself, I'll give the ayahuasca a chance first. Can't die without knowing what that's like.
During the second ceremony, I had a realisation that my life is meaningless, and that nothing at all matters. It would be completely insignificant if I died, because I know I'll be at peace. I remember thinking even those who care about me will be fine, because I'll be at peace, and nothing in this life even matters. I'll see them again one day, and they'll move on with their lives and forget about me."
Either way, I'm glad I drank the ayahuasca. I'm less fearful of death now, but its far far harder to pretend like this world is anything other than a toxic cancer, and to pretend I want to be a part of it.
There was a moment, when I realised this, that I just gave up trying to stay alive. I just surrendered fully to the moment and accepted/hoped I was dying. I just laid there and decided I don't need to breath anymore so stopped. That feeling of letting go was indescribable. I've never felt so free. Obviously I breathed again, but it was a beautiful feeling thinking it doesn't matter if I die.
Nothing compares to ayahuasca. 5-meo-dmt is very powerful, but short lived and no visuals. I can't really explain what I got out of the 5-meo-dmt, but it truly felt like it reset me at the time. I honestly believe that with more access to these medicines, and proper care and integration, I could have been cured. But the people who served me showed me who they really are and don't give a fuck, so that won't happen.
I've taken medium doses of lsd a few times, mushrooms more than I can count, salvia, mdma, even a weed edible once made me fully hallucinate.
I think part of our problem as a society and species is that we've lost touch with these medicines and ways of healing. Psychedelics are the antidote to modern life. But we replace them with denial, pharmaceuticals, consumerism, habits, useless therapy etc.
My ultimate death would be to die during anayahuasca ceremony. There was no fear once I reached that point. The build up is full of fear etc. But once you're there you realise everything is meaningless and you can almost taste the freedom of death.
Or a massive heroin overdose would be next best I think.
