DepressionsAHo
Heaven gained a new ho
- Feb 15, 2019
- 831
Hello, whilst I may not give you my real name, I will say that my username is DepressionsAHo. Like so many of us here, I first started having suicidal thoughts at 8 years old. That's the first time I tried to die actually. If you go through this forum, so many people share my experiences. There are users on here that first started thinking about suicide at 5 years old that are in their 50's now.
I'm not at that age, I'm 21 in fact.
Whilst I don't understand the particular grief you're experiencing as I personally have never lost anyone to suicide, throughout my research and readings of suicide survivors, I believe I can sympathize with it. For just one moment, put away your judgements and your criticizms here and listen to me. One moment is all I need.
Throughout my life I have been beaten, starved, abused, spit on and everything else under the sun. Others on this forum have been raped and tortured and some have had perfect lives but struggle with mental illness. The one that I believe most "pro lifers" as we call them on this forum can sympathize with, are terminal patients, so that's the one I'll start with. There are currently 100's of users on this forum that are dealing with the most brutal forms of cancer and various other diseases that plain and simply don't want to anymore. Think about the worst pain you've ever experienced and times that by 1 million and chances are, that's what some of us are going through. I know we are not animals but it's the best comparison I can think of right now. If your pet, the pet you've had since you were a child that you've raised since essentially birth was in massive amounts of pain every single day, would you look at them and force them to live? When each step brings them horrid pain, their bones are rattling and they can barely take a drink or eat food without human assistance, would you or could you look at him every day and force him to live? Chances are, unless your absurdly cruel, your answer is no. It's heartbreaking and it's tortorous but death, yes, death, would be the kindest thing to do to that poor creature. You still love him and you always will but death would be kinder. Human beings rarely wake up one day and decide right then and there "I want to die". For most of us it's a daily struggle. I for one have a mother and a sister and a brother and friends across the world. I have been to Thailand, Dubai, Oman, Canada, Mexico, Jamaica and I have visited most of the United States. On the other hand, I've struggled with a mind that desperately wants to die every single time I wake up in the morning. I have tried everything to fix myself. It took me 13 years to be able to look at my mother and not burst into tears at the thought of hurting her. I love her so much and it tears me apart that I have to do this to her. So many more of us have gone through years of therapy and hundreds upon hundreds of different pills to try to help ourselves to help us wake up and live. To finally LIVE. Unfortunately, some of us are resistant to medications. Nothing fixes us and so what are we to do then? Imagine waking up and finding joy in nothing. Imagine not smiling or going out with your girlfriends and feeling the cold and slick embrace of emptiness. Imagine smiling and then your mind screaming at you that any form of happiness isn't allowed. So much more of us have no family or people that care about us and not in the typical social media influenced "I have no friends" way, but truly and utterly being isolated. I pray each and every single one of you who have lurked on this forum that have lost someone that was a member on here NEVER experience that. Put aside your emotions for one moment and try to imagine living in this mindset for the rest of your life to try to avoid hurting people. Imagine the anguish and the stress that that puts on the carrier. That's why we are on this forum. We are not experiencing teenage angst, we are experiencing DEPRESSION in it's most brutal and merciless form. THAT is why this forum exists.
You see, taking this away from us or blaming us because we are all trash takes away a community filled with love. If you look into some of these threads, you'll also see kindness and compassion. None of us want anybody to die here we simply realize that for some us, as much as it might tear us apart, death is the only way
I'm not at that age, I'm 21 in fact.
Whilst I don't understand the particular grief you're experiencing as I personally have never lost anyone to suicide, throughout my research and readings of suicide survivors, I believe I can sympathize with it. For just one moment, put away your judgements and your criticizms here and listen to me. One moment is all I need.
Throughout my life I have been beaten, starved, abused, spit on and everything else under the sun. Others on this forum have been raped and tortured and some have had perfect lives but struggle with mental illness. The one that I believe most "pro lifers" as we call them on this forum can sympathize with, are terminal patients, so that's the one I'll start with. There are currently 100's of users on this forum that are dealing with the most brutal forms of cancer and various other diseases that plain and simply don't want to anymore. Think about the worst pain you've ever experienced and times that by 1 million and chances are, that's what some of us are going through. I know we are not animals but it's the best comparison I can think of right now. If your pet, the pet you've had since you were a child that you've raised since essentially birth was in massive amounts of pain every single day, would you look at them and force them to live? When each step brings them horrid pain, their bones are rattling and they can barely take a drink or eat food without human assistance, would you or could you look at him every day and force him to live? Chances are, unless your absurdly cruel, your answer is no. It's heartbreaking and it's tortorous but death, yes, death, would be the kindest thing to do to that poor creature. You still love him and you always will but death would be kinder. Human beings rarely wake up one day and decide right then and there "I want to die". For most of us it's a daily struggle. I for one have a mother and a sister and a brother and friends across the world. I have been to Thailand, Dubai, Oman, Canada, Mexico, Jamaica and I have visited most of the United States. On the other hand, I've struggled with a mind that desperately wants to die every single time I wake up in the morning. I have tried everything to fix myself. It took me 13 years to be able to look at my mother and not burst into tears at the thought of hurting her. I love her so much and it tears me apart that I have to do this to her. So many more of us have gone through years of therapy and hundreds upon hundreds of different pills to try to help ourselves to help us wake up and live. To finally LIVE. Unfortunately, some of us are resistant to medications. Nothing fixes us and so what are we to do then? Imagine waking up and finding joy in nothing. Imagine not smiling or going out with your girlfriends and feeling the cold and slick embrace of emptiness. Imagine smiling and then your mind screaming at you that any form of happiness isn't allowed. So much more of us have no family or people that care about us and not in the typical social media influenced "I have no friends" way, but truly and utterly being isolated. I pray each and every single one of you who have lurked on this forum that have lost someone that was a member on here NEVER experience that. Put aside your emotions for one moment and try to imagine living in this mindset for the rest of your life to try to avoid hurting people. Imagine the anguish and the stress that that puts on the carrier. That's why we are on this forum. We are not experiencing teenage angst, we are experiencing DEPRESSION in it's most brutal and merciless form. THAT is why this forum exists.
You see, taking this away from us or blaming us because we are all trash takes away a community filled with love. If you look into some of these threads, you'll also see kindness and compassion. None of us want anybody to die here we simply realize that for some us, as much as it might tear us apart, death is the only way
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