Proud of myself

[dandan]

yesterday night I couldn't sleep,
while like many others night I pursue thinking and trying to understand me and to get better
its like if im looking for a solution.

Solution to what? What could I accomplish that would make life good?
If its nothing external, it must be something inside of me... I kept searching..

I ended up thinking, how I've done a lot, I've been through much,
and how I'm still here, trying to live, i'm proud of myself, cause I gave a good fight.

Did you gave a good fight? Did you made your effort?

I gotta work now..... currently at my job im below average... damm.... perhaps I'll get a warning or something

 

[not_a_robot]

Eh...I don't think I was capable of much, tbh. I can't see myself being very functional in any capacity. The inability to be near other humans feels ok to me, but it really limits what one can accomplish. People used to think I was smart, now I don't even feel like I know what that means. I wonder if I can find some guts and do it soon.... but I've wondered that since I was six, and well, here we are...

 

[RM5998]

yesterday night I couldn't sleep,
while like many others night I pursue thinking and trying to understand me and to get better
its like if im looking for a solution.

Solution to what? What could I accomplish that would make life good?
If its nothing external, it must be something inside of me... I kept searching..

I ended up thinking, how I've done a lot, I've been through much,
and how I'm still here, trying to live, i'm proud of myself, cause I gave a good fight.

Did you gave a good fight? Did you made your effort?

I gotta work now..... currently at my job im below average... damm.... perhaps I'll get a warning or something

I don't know, really. I don't think I can say that I tried. Not really. I've wanted to put less effort into life for a long time. I put less effort into studies when I needed to have good grades, and I got screwed. I put less effort into entrance exams for college and got screwed. I put less effort into college and got screwed.
I just wanted to stop trying that hard. Turns out, that wasn't an option.

 

[JoeFailure]

yesterday night I couldn't sleep,
while like many others night I pursue thinking and trying to understand me and to get better
its like if im looking for a solution.

Solution to what? What could I accomplish that would make life good?
If its nothing external, it must be something inside of me... I kept searching..

I ended up thinking, how I've done a lot, I've been through much,
and how I'm still here, trying to live, i'm proud of myself, cause I gave a good fight.

Did you gave a good fight? Did you made your effort?

I gotta work now..... currently at my job im below average... damm.... perhaps I'll get a warning or something

You should be proud if you gave it a good fight. I probably can't say that right now because I simply just don't know what to do. I spend a lot of time trying to find a job I'm capable of considering my ADHD issues and a way to make money but I just have nothing and I'm flailing at the job I have now. I want to find the right job ad work hard and figure a way out of this but I don't feel like life has an answer for me.

I know what would make life good, I just don't see a way to get there.

 

[Vegrau]

Experienced what I set out to find. Did what I can to care for others. How they take it is already beyond my control. This is the best outcome. Continuing this life any further no longer have any meaning nor I have any reasons to. I am content with how thing is.

Eh...I don't think I was capable of much, tbh. I can't see myself being very functional in any capacity. The inability to be near other humans feels ok to me, but it really limits what one can accomplish. People used to think I was smart, now I don't even feel like I know what that means. I wonder if I can find some guts and do it soon.... but I've wondered that since I was six, and well, here we are...

Life have its way to drag things on. New things to see. New things to find. The endless distractions and hunger for novelty. Hesitation. Its not like we dont want to live. More like the circumstances surrounding this existence simply not appealing enough for me to truly want live this life. Not worth it if we cannot live the life the way we want. Moreover with the coming climate disaster. No point clinging onto this dying world.

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

@dandan I'm glad to hear you say you are proud. Life has been imperfect to many of us but giving yourself credit for surviving and giving it "one more try" is a healthy beginning to healing (if that's what you seek). The option to ctb is always there but at least you get the opportunity to make a choice to experience new and exciting things. At the end we don't regret what we did, we regret what we didn't do.

Just keep in mind that for each "bad" thought it takes at least 1,000 "good" thoughts to wipe it away. There will come a time when things get difficult. At these times its easier to turn from feeling proud to frustrated. I hope reaching back to look at this thread will reignite your fire.

---
I have been contemplating ctb off and on all of my life while fighting. I just stopped fighting for the past 2.5 years and that feels equally as rewarding. A few months ago I got very serious about ctb enough to put a plan in action. However at this moment I'm not actively executing my plan. I'm also not fighting.

For me: I don't believe that "fighting" is the solution to living. I think that's part of the reason my life isn't working. That's what led me here so I can't say it was a good fight, per say. Right now I'm searching to see if there is a way that I can seek resolution in peace. Part of my inquisitive mind says there has to be a solution equal and opposite to CTB that is just as peaceful because the world works in contrast. (light v. dark, fight v. peace, CTB v. life) There isn't a thesaurus anywhere that equates life to fighting so maybe that's just an awful construct that I was born into that I have the opportunity to change. IDK still contemplating...

 

[cornflowerblue]

These thought exercises can clarify things http://www.benfurman.com/en/2013/12/09/varieties-of-the-miracle-question/

 

[KnightBlade]

These thought exercises can clarify things http://www.benfurman.com/en/2013/12/09/varieties-of-the-miracle-question/

Very thought-provoking. Thanks for sharing.

 

[cornflowerblue]

Very thought-provoking. Thanks for sharing.

It's nice to test thoughts like: I'm worthless, nobody likes me, my friends are faking it, people mistreat me, I'm a bad person, I have no hope

 

[true faith]

It's worth recognizing that having made it even this far is an accomplishment. Continuing on living when you're in agony, physical or emotional, is one hell of a task...

 

[cornflowerblue]

@dandan I'm glad to hear you say you are proud. Life has been imperfect to many of us but giving yourself credit for surviving and giving it "one more try" is a healthy beginning to healing (if that's what you seek). The option to ctb is always there but at least you get the opportunity to make a choice to experience new and exciting things. At the end we don't regret what we did, we regret what we didn't do.

Just keep in mind that for each "bad" thought it takes at least 1,000 "good" thoughts to wipe it away. There will come a time when things get difficult. At these times its easier to turn from feeling proud to frustrated. I hope reaching back to look at this thread will reignite your fire.

---
I have been contemplating ctb off and on all of my life while fighting. I just stopped fighting for the past 2.5 years and that feels equally as rewarding. A few months ago I got very serious about ctb enough to put a plan in action. However at this moment I'm not actively executing my plan. I'm also not fighting.

For me: I don't believe that "fighting" is the solution to living. I think that's part of the reason my life isn't working. That's what led me here so I can't say it was a good fight, per say. Right now I'm searching to see if there is a way that I can seek resolution in peace. Part of my inquisitive mind says there has to be a solution equal and opposite to CTB that is just as peaceful because the world works in contrast. (light v. dark, fight v. peace, CTB v. life) There isn't a thesaurus anywhere that equates life to fighting so maybe that's just an awful construct that I was born into that I have the opportunity to change. IDK still contemplating...

Most people never take time to truly think about what life means to them. Everyone thinks about the topic but we usually fall back on assumptions or what messages we've heard about what life is, without going deeper and really analyzing our own beliefs.

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

These thought exercises can clarify things http://www.benfurman.com/en/2013/12/09/varieties-of-the-miracle-question/

I think for me the problem is too much thinking, doing, changing and "fixing". Too much introspection. And too much trying solutions hence "the fight". I'm a recursive problem solver who's overly self-aware so right now doing nothing is peaceful. After doing this for sometime I may CTB because I'd come to terms with both the fight and enjoyment of peace...who knows. It's not over yet...

Most people never take time to truly think about what life means to them. Everyone thinks about the topic but we usually fall back on assumptions or what messages we've heard about what life is, without going deeper and really analyzing our own beliefs.

Life doesn't really mean anything to me. That's the problem. It never has. I can go any path and they all are the same. Just things to do. Acomplishments to be made. No amount of thought is going to change that. When you are disconnected its just there. I'm just there. It's not negative or positive. It just is. As I am.

 

[cornflowerblue]

I think for me the problem is too much thinking, doing, changing and "fixing". Too much introspection. And too much trying solutions hence "the fight". I'm a recursive problem solver who's overly self-aware so right now doing nothing is peaceful. After doing this for sometime I may CTB because I'd come to terms with both the fight and enjoyment of peace...who knows. It's not over yet...


Life doesn't really mean anything to me. That's the problem. It never has. I can go any path and they all are the same. Just things to do. Acomplishments to be made. No amount of thought is going to change that. When you are disconnected its just there. I'm just there. It's not negative or positive. It just is. As I am.

We've discussed this over PM plenty but I'm the same. I've tried hard to make my own meaning and all that existentialist stuff, no luck.

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

We've discussed this over PM plenty but I'm the same. I've tried hard to make my own meaning and all that existentialist stuff, no luck.

Do you ever wonder if there is an answer "under a rock somewhere" so to speak?? With all the order in the world such as gravity, etc. I sometimes find it hard to believe that there's no other solution. I think that's what kept me in the game so long before I stopped. Curious to hear your thoughts.

 

[cornflowerblue]

Do you ever wonder if there is an answer "under a rock somewhere" so to speak?? With all the order in the world such as gravity, etc. I sometimes find it hard to believe that there's no other solution. I think that's what kept me in the game so long before I stopped. Curious to hear your thoughts.

I don't think there's an objective answer, or that a question of this nature even could be objectively answered, since purpose and meaning are human constructs. It's like asking "what's the meaning in gravity existing?"

IMO there are a handful of solutions: make your own meaning (lots of options), find a source to dictate meaning for you (religion), drop the belief that life has to have a meaning.

 

[dandan]

I think for me the problem is too much thinking, doing, changing and "fixing". Too much introspection. And too much trying solutions hence "the fight"......


Life doesn't really mean anything to me. That's the problem. It never has. I can go any path and they all are the same. Just things to do. Acomplishments to be made. No amount of thought is going to change that......

When im enligthened or in a good mental mood,
I can say that the problem lies in our ability to recognize the endless possibilities available to us
depending on our decisions and disposition to do things.

We are like this ultimate consciousness which inhabits somewhere inside our mind and body.
We control our body.
We can order our mouths to talk, our body to move, with our body we can go anywhere (if we are healthy)
and with endless possibilites through our preception we could achieve many things (not anything, that is a joke)
but we inhabit our body and mind
we can put our body and mind to things for us.

yeah something like that....

 

[irrelevant_string]

Perhaps it would be worth trying to convince ourselves that we are mere automatons with no free will, which perhaps isn't far from truth. That would maybe help with feelings of regret or anxiety about future.
There's this practise in some types of meditation where you're trying to locate the center of consciousness. In failing to do so you're supposed to realize that the "self" is an illusion, that there is no thinker behind the thoughts. There is no place in the brain where your ego is residing.

Some people find meditation a very useful practice and practise it for years.
What happened in my case, after doing it for some time is that I got very content with the present and lost all desire for entertainment and distractions. The problem is I also lost all ambitions and completely stopped studying for a while. Now I have to deal with the consequences of that.
When I told my parents that I wanted to go to China and live in a Buddhist monastery for a while, they didn't take it well at all. So I felt trapped in a society that encourages hedonism and mindless distractions when I was completely unable to enjoy any of that. I felt at peace simply observing my mind. I don't anymore, but anhedonia is still here.

 

[262653]

Right now I'm searching to see if there is a way that I can seek resolution in peace. Part of my inquisitive mind says there has to be a solution equal and opposite to CTB that is just as peaceful because the world works in contrast. (light v. dark, fight v. peace, CTB v. life)

Yes, I think you may be right, depending on personal reasons for ctb. Like wanting to get rid of bad feelings by achieving death, against unstoppable urge to preserve life. Crushing the opposition (whichever) seems to solve things. A country is no longer torn apart in civil war, enters the age of peace and prosper, and all that. Like maybe accepting that you're ugly with all derivatives, if that's the problem, or that your primal side is your master, that death is never an option, or that that you don't have a (relatively) brilliant brain, and your IQ is not at least 3 SD higher than average. I don't know what would it take however. To me it's like relaxing your buttocks and accepting your fate as a victim while being involuntarily anally fucked.

 

[Rocksandsand]

Side note: there are so many members I miss here...

@LMFAO FOCKERS @cornflowerblue @not_a_robot

I miss you all so much