Venting Pretty sure I have borderline personality disorder

[Justaroguegear]

Can't really get confirmation, since the psychiatrist only asks if I'm sleeping, losing weight, doing my job and that's about it. The psychiatrist told me I can get free psychology sessions (I'm not really sure how you say it). I already went three times mainly to do test for depression and anxiety. (Which I personally had to push for). The third time I called her twice, several days apart though and she didn't have my number and I called her after 5 so maybe she was busy or whatever. But then I wrote a message with my name and everything. No response. Next time I went to psychiatrist for monthly check up she told me she programmed me to psychologist for Monday. I have no idea what's going on. Now I called psychologist, said I can have free consultation according to psychiatrist. She told me she'd call the doctor to confirm. It's the 5th day since then. No response. I have this very strong feeling she doesn't want to do free ones and I'm supposed to pay, because what else could it be? I'm really sensitive about this stuff (one of the borderline personality signs). Anyway they'd probably just lock me up for a week or two if I was truly honest, though I don't know how the pandemic would affect this. Not even sure they know how to treat bpd anyway.

 

[Justaroguegear]

Sorry, I meant "scheduled" back there.

 

[terry_a_davis]

Sorry i don't have an idea why you're having problems with your docs. It's good that you acknowledge there *might* be something not quite right with yourself, you have insight. Why can't you be honest with your docs?

 

[Justaroguegear]

It was so hard to convince them I had depression and anxiety. If the previous doctor didn't retire I'd still be taking 10 mg of olanzapine which made me, frankly, retarded. I couldn't think and was slow with my hands. I didn't even realize it was the medicine that made me that way. Now it's reduced to 2.5 and there's a
Huge difference. I can think faster, make quick jokes I couldn't before, because I couldn't think them up in time, started being sarcastic again, I play much better in fast paced games, type faster and so on. They'd probably put me back on it or something if I said I was suicidal. Plus being locked up is just straight up not nice.
I think they only care if I kill myself or not. That's the extent of it.

 

[exhausted]

There are meds and therapies for BPD.

 

[Justaroguegear]

Yes but I had to diagnose my own depression and anxiety. It was so weird, the psychiatrist was reading notes on depression/anxiety like she didn't really know too much about it. I get the impression that our country is way behind in this regard. And the psychologist gave me specific advice about some stuff, I thought they weren't supposed to do that? Anyway I have no reason to believe they have the knowledge to deal with BPD. I wanted to ask psychologist now, but like I said, no answer.

 

[k75]

Maybe they're just really busy. Sometimes it takes awhile for doctors to get back to you or respond, and sometimes you need to keep calling them until you get results. Whatever it is, it's probably nothing to do with you or how you pay or not.

And the psychologist gave me specific advice about some stuff, I thought they weren't supposed to do that?

Can you give an example?

Anyway they'd probably just lock me up for a week or two if I was truly honest, though I don't know how the pandemic would affect this.

What makes you think you can't be honest and would get locked up?

The thing is, if you aren't completely honest about your symptoms, there's no way anyone could properly diagnose you with anything. How are they going to know what's wrong?

For things beyond depression and anxiety, usually you'll need to do an in depth psych evevaluation. It's a long Q&A session, basically, and your answers determine the outcome. So if you lie or omit, it won't be accurate. You could even get misdiagnosed, and then there would be the pain of treatments that don't work because you don't even have the thing but nobody knows.

 

[Justaroguegear]

I think psychologist gave some sleep advice but now that I think about it it wasn't that important. I don't exactly remember.

If I tell psychiatrist that I'm suicidal she'll insist on putting me back on more olanzapine. She's always asking if I feel worse since taking less. It matches up because I started to think more clearly since reducing it. I guess in a sick way it did suppress my suicidal thoughts (for which I was given the olanzapine almost 3 years ago) but at what cost? It suppressed my whole personality. I was sleeping 12+ hours and was a zombie compared to now. Couldn't think, stand up for myself, was slow and dumb. Too dumb to even realize I wasn't always like that. I did put two and two together eventually and asked to stop the olanzapine. 2.5 mg now. That and starting ssri is what changed. I've sort of read about this, how being less depressed but not yet okay can lead to suicide.

I wanted to go to psychologist first, at least she can't give me olanzapine on the spot. Sort of carefully ask about possibility of bpd, and if it came to a test I would've been 100% honest.

I want or wanted to give therapy a last chance, but I don't think I'll view existing as a positive anymore, no matter what. I feel like I've seen the world as the horrible place that it is.

 

[k75]

Increasing your dose of that wouldn't even make sense, and they can't force you to do it. If you know more makes you feel bad, definitely refuse. That's an awful drug anyway. And it doesn't help with suicidal thoughts by nature, although that can happen just because it suppresses every emotion. Just for the record, lithium does help that without the zombie feeling. It's the only medication proven to, even.

 

[Justaroguegear]

Yeah... They diagnosed me with acute psychotic disorder (if that's how you translate it), after 4 years of high school of doing as little schoolwork as possible I started panicking thinking I'd fail to graduate, wanted to ctb and it all came out at the psych ward (I didn't try anything, just decided to get help. I'm not even sure how close I actually was to doing it). Must've been pretty incoherent and got that diagnosis.
They didn't really do
In depth analysis or anything, I've been to psychologist once or twice. This is one of the reasons I don't really have faith in the system anymore.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I would try to find a different psychologist. The person isn't acting reasonably or helpfully, I wouldn't put my trust or my care in their hands.
I would try to find a different psychologist. The person isn't acting reasonably or helpfully, their actions send up red flags, I personally wouldn't put my trust or my care in their hands. That's not paranoia or impatience, that's a rational response to irrational and questionable behavior.