Venting Pretending to be better

[Are you lost too?]

I'm just feeling so guilty ... my parents and my cousin (I'm an only child, she is like a sister to me) know how bad I was feeling, and about the suicidal thoughts.
these past days I have been pretending to be doing better, so they like "leave me alone" and I can catch my bus.
especially for my mother I know she will not take this well. She is really religious and I think she makes me a big part of her life, which of course she shouldn't, but anyway ...
then I'm just here self loading with guilt, thinking of how they are gonna feel when I ctb and how in a way they are gonna be shocked, saying "gee she was so much better".
I have made my decision and I know I can't stay for them. But this just makes me feel so bad. Of course I shouldn't be thinking about it.

anyway just wanted to put this out of my chest.

 

[Stan]

We are here for you

 

[Whitewash11235814]

This is probably my biggest roadblock to ctb. Can't even do urself in w/o hurting others... One imprisonment after another. This fact just highlights the crappiness of life.

 

[snowman626]

ppl need to realize that suicidials dont just go from suicidal to "so much better" out of nowhere, as if its a made up problem.

 

[Spock87]

I feel you I wanted to ctb after I fired my therapist but she refused to discharge me and her and my husband gang up on me so now I will be ctb and she will be in trouble not my fault

 

[lazy.depressed]

I hate how relatable this is... Life is wack