WeDontKnowTheFuture
Student
- Feb 3, 2023
- 137
Hi everyone,
I had a bit of hope when i first suscribe myself to this forum. This why my username is wedontknowthefuture.
Things have changed and my life today is a real torture. It's been 7years that i'm depressed and 5 years that i have suicidal ideation. Now it is not ideation anymore but a real will to put and end to the hell that my existence is. I think constantly about dying at the point it becomes really tremendous. When someone smile to me, when i go to the toilet, when i wake up, when i try to sleep, when i buy some food.
I'm just completely in despair about my existence. However, i'm sure it will not go better. It is some kind of unexplainable conviction. I saw what life is about, i struggled with loneliness, deep depression, non-sens, health problèmes, disinterest of everything, dreams dashed.
I cannot imagine myself become older, get a job, have to cook, to met people. I just don't want, it doesn't interest me at all.
My big problem is that i feel very concerned about my parents and how my death will affect them. So i feel stuck in this torture from wich i can only free myself when i sleep.
My parents put all their energy trying to help me since years. My father talk to me a lot, trying to make me more positive and things like that. He says " step by step son " and others sentences that don't make sense to me. He is a great person, very generous, kind, attentive, optimist, supportive all the time. The problem is that he cannot help ( i think that nobody can, i saw a lot of therapist and talk to a lot of peoples ) and him is sure that it will finish to go well for me. He cannot understand that i just do not want to live and it bother me so much.
My mother is an hypersensitive and worry person who try to help me giving me some advice to what i could or should do to get better. Also what she say doesn't make sense to me. They both like life and thing life worth it. I juste feel trapped, i want to preserve these two beautiful person but i really want to ctb. Are other person right there in the same situation?
Should i first think about me and my deliverance ? Or living hell to preserve them?
I think i should first think about me but the Idea of inflic them my lost i cannot imagine it either.
I had a bit of hope when i first suscribe myself to this forum. This why my username is wedontknowthefuture.
Things have changed and my life today is a real torture. It's been 7years that i'm depressed and 5 years that i have suicidal ideation. Now it is not ideation anymore but a real will to put and end to the hell that my existence is. I think constantly about dying at the point it becomes really tremendous. When someone smile to me, when i go to the toilet, when i wake up, when i try to sleep, when i buy some food.
I'm just completely in despair about my existence. However, i'm sure it will not go better. It is some kind of unexplainable conviction. I saw what life is about, i struggled with loneliness, deep depression, non-sens, health problèmes, disinterest of everything, dreams dashed.
I cannot imagine myself become older, get a job, have to cook, to met people. I just don't want, it doesn't interest me at all.
My big problem is that i feel very concerned about my parents and how my death will affect them. So i feel stuck in this torture from wich i can only free myself when i sleep.
My parents put all their energy trying to help me since years. My father talk to me a lot, trying to make me more positive and things like that. He says " step by step son " and others sentences that don't make sense to me. He is a great person, very generous, kind, attentive, optimist, supportive all the time. The problem is that he cannot help ( i think that nobody can, i saw a lot of therapist and talk to a lot of peoples ) and him is sure that it will finish to go well for me. He cannot understand that i just do not want to live and it bother me so much.
My mother is an hypersensitive and worry person who try to help me giving me some advice to what i could or should do to get better. Also what she say doesn't make sense to me. They both like life and thing life worth it. I juste feel trapped, i want to preserve these two beautiful person but i really want to ctb. Are other person right there in the same situation?
Should i first think about me and my deliverance ? Or living hell to preserve them?
I think i should first think about me but the Idea of inflic them my lost i cannot imagine it either.
