Venting Preparing for the End

[Bunny Beanie]

My birthday is 6 months away. That's when I want to ctb so my sister only has one day to grieve out of the year. Im preparing for the end starting today as the titles says. Idk what I should prepare for though.

First of all I don't even know what method I'm going with. I don't have access to a gun so I can't do that. The other ones don't look promising that it will be successful.

Secondly, Should I make a note? Should I prepare gifts for the very few that kinda care… even tho that's almost no one. Should I leave notes to the people I care about even tho I'm certain none actually care for me? I'm not new to this stuff but I was sloppy in the past. I need to get it right.

Also ignore this next section if you want it's literally just me venting but I'm tired of oversharing and I can't stop doing it. People ask me what's wrong and that they'll be there for me and then I share everything to them and their energy afterwards is so different, I ruined yet another friendship. I just need to ctb. I need it so badly because I have no means of changing myself. I can't. I've tried and tried but I'm too good at scaring people off. People that I love just never love me back and I'm tired. This is just 3% of why I want to ctb. But I need to not be here anymore. Any help counts. Thank you for listening.

 

[RobinWhoLostItAll]

personally, the plan i had when i still cared about a handful of people was private my tweeter, and schedule a tweet linking to a pastebin with a prewritten note, just to provide them with closure; i dont have people irl so idk about giving gifts, but you could hand them out beforehand and just pretend its for no particular reason, but i dont really have many other ideas regarding that, again, no people irl so idk

regarding your method, since you have time to prepare you could check the resources and see if you can get ahold of any supplies, depending on your income and where you live ofc, if thats not an option, my personal method will be hanging, since it takes only 5 second to lose consciousness, its cheap and one of the most accessible, but im sure many others could have better advice

and im sorry about your social problems, im autistic, trans, and live in a shitty, conservative third world country, so ik the cycle of looking for a place to belong, being too socially stunted to maintain relationships, and then seeing it all dissolve, ik it all too well

i hope anything i said was of any value, and good luck with everything, hope you can find your way out peacefully friend

 

[Bunny Beanie]

personally, the plan i had when i still cared about a handful of people was private my tweeter, and schedule a tweet linking to a pastebin with a prewritten note, just to provide them with closure; i dont have people irl so idk about giving gifts, but you could hand them out beforehand and just pretend its for no particular reason, but i dont really have many other ideas regarding that, again, no people irl so idk

regarding your method, since you have time to prepare you could check the resources and see if you can get ahold of any supplies, depending on your income and where you live ofc, if thats not an option, my personal method will be hanging, since it takes only 5 second to lose consciousness, its cheap and one of the most accessible, but im sure many others could have better advice

and im sorry about your social problems, im autistic, trans, and live in a shitty, conservative third world country, so ik the cycle of looking for a place to belong, being too socially stunted to maintain relationships, and then seeing it all dissolve, ik it all too well

i hope anything i said was of any value, and good luck with everything, hope you can find your way out peacefully friend

I have autism too so I completely understand how difficult it is to navigate other peoples emotions. If someone is not straight forward with me I assume they are fine with me. But in the past they secretly hate me so NOW I assume everyone hates me. You did provide value. You just talking to me is valuable enough. You are valuable

 

[FuneralCry]

I guess it's up to you whether to write a note or not as after all suicide is a personal decision that doesn't need to be justified and other people aren't owed an explanation anyway, it's just up to the individual whether to leave one.
But anyway I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for, it's really understandable feeling so tired of suffering in this existence.

 

[lunchbox]

That's when I want to ctb so my sister only has one day to grieve out of the year.

That's very considerate of you, having a set day with a reason behind it should help you overcome and SI that might arise.

First of all I don't even know what method I'm going with.

Well, you have some time to research and plan accordingly. Consider if there are any specific methods/locations that would mean something to you.

Secondly, Should I make a note?

It's entirely up to you. You have a lot of empathy for your sister, so if you do decide to write notes for anyone, maybe write it with closure in mind. I'm sure the people you are thinking about writing notes for do care about you, and those notes could be a nice keepsake will help them process any associated trauma. But there isn't any obligation to.

Should I prepare gifts for the very few that kinda care…

Gifting can be a little tricky if those whom you give gifts to begin to suspect something, especially if the gifts are unprovoked and the recipients talk to each other. That is something for you to gauge yourself, but conceptually I think it's a nice idea for the same reasons as leaving a note. Just be calculated with it, and have justifactions. It is a unique opportunity however, so try take some pride in it and enjoy it as much as you can - it might help you with being at peace with the CTB prospect.

I need to get it right.

There isn't a right or a wrong way to go about this, but it is very important you consider your choices and make balanced decisions. Take your time with it if you can.

I need it so badly because I have no means of changing myself. I can't. I've tried and tried but I'm too good at scaring people off. People that I love just never love me back and I'm tired.

I'm so sorry you feel like this, I understand as I feel the same way. Take some solace in the fact that neither of us will feel like this forever, one way or another...

Thank you for listening.

Thank you for sharing, I hope you're able to come to a resolution in these six months - no matter what you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck at finding peace <3

 

[Golden]

I think that writing a note is always a good idea, it might make your loved ones' pain a bit easier

 

[アホペンギン]

It is completely your choice to write a note and I doubt we can really help you decide for yourself, it is your personal decision and you shouldn't rely on us to dictate how you'll come to feel about leaving a note.

I think that writing a note is always a good idea, it might make your loved ones' pain a bit easier

I agree with this, leaving behind your reasoning for your decision which is arguably a very hard one to make, for everyone, would ease the pain a bit since it is now known why you chose to leave and hopefully after gaining awareness regarding your reasons for leaving, they'll begin to respect your decision.

Unfortunately, sadness and grief is an unavoidable outcome of losing someone in your life, I wish it didn't have to be this way but it's human… You can't change human psychology, it is built into our bodies to react how we do to everything.

 

[RobinWhoLostItAll]

I have autism too so I completely understand how difficult it is to navigate other peoples emotions. If someone is not straight forward with me I assume they are fine with me. But in the past they secretly hate me so NOW I assume everyone hates me. You did provide value. You just talking to me is valuable enough. You are valuable

thanks <3, you seem very considered, autism really makes connecting with and understanding people so hard sometimes, i dont check the forum religiously but im open if you want to talk, even if i too want to leave soon i wouldnt mind connecting with nice people for a least a little bit, loneliness really sucks ;p

 

[Bunny Beanie]

That's very considerate of you, having a set day with a reason behind it should help you overcome and SI that might arise.



Well, you have some time to research and plan accordingly. Consider if there are any specific methods/locations that would mean something to you.



It's entirely up to you. You have a lot of empathy for your sister, so if you do decide to write notes for anyone, maybe write it with closure in mind. I'm sure the people you are thinking about writing notes for do care about you, and those notes could be a nice keepsake will help them process any associated trauma. But there isn't any obligation to.



Gifting can be a little tricky if those whom you give gifts to begin to suspect something, especially if the gifts are unprovoked and the recipients talk to each other. That is something for you to gauge yourself, but conceptually I think it's a nice idea for the same reasons as leaving a note. Just be calculated with it, and have justifactions. It is a unique opportunity however, so try take some pride in it and enjoy it as much as you can - it might help you with being at peace with the CTB prospect.



There isn't a right or a wrong way to go about this, but it is very important you consider your choices and make balanced decisions. Take your time with it if you can.



I'm so sorry you feel like this, I understand as I feel the same way. Take some solace in the fact that neither of us will feel like this forever, one way or another...



Thank you for sharing, I hope you're able to come to a resolution in these six months - no matter what you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck at finding peace <3

Thank you for this response! I'm taking everything you say into massive consideration. The gift thing isn't unusual for me to do tbh. My friends are so used to me randomly giving them things. They won't even question it. I will write a general note but I think I'll write A dedicated note to my sister and my best friend. Everyone else I think will be fine.

It is completely your choice to write a note and I doubt we can really help you decide for yourself, it is your personal decision and you shouldn't rely on us to dictate how you'll come to feel about leaving a note.

I agree with this, leaving behind your reasoning for your decision which is arguably a very hard one to make, for everyone, would ease the pain a bit since it is now known why you chose to leave and hopefully after gaining awareness regarding your reasons for leaving, they'll begin to respect your decision.

Unfortunately, sadness and grief is an unavoidable outcome of losing someone in your life, I wish it didn't have to be this way but it's human… You can't change human psychology, it is built into our bodies to react how we do to everything.

I don't see most of my friends grieving me or even going to my funeral tbh. The way they treat me by always dodging the question of hanging out with me and always dry texting me or even leaving me on read… they never cared. They will be sad for a day to gain sympathy from other people and then move on easily. I wish I had better friends. Maybe I won't leave a note for those people. But my sister and best friend will get a note.