cancerline polache
New Member
- Jul 24, 2023
- 4
I've been thinking a lot about my past lately since i'm probably going to ctb early next year and i've come to realize how my mother really doesnt gaf, when i told her about my image issues and self steem issues all she did was cry and ask if i knew how much she did for me while defending my father when i brought up that he called me a sissy and threatened to kill me when i was like 8 years old like lmfaoooo..
Anyways it just rubs the wrong way that she said that i didnt tell her anything how she supposed to know im extremely deppressed, suicidal... acting like the victim when(just a little example) she straight up didnt allow me to have dinner with my family in new years for behaving a little weird ONCE and nothing crazy i just said "im not hungry dont worry, ill go back to my room" when my grandma asked me what i wanted for lunch in our family (weekly)reunion, like she was extremely mad about it and then when she discovered the self harm scars acting like she was awesome and so caring, this is ur fault damn! This was 5 years ago but it's one of the things that have been coming back to my mind the most lately.
After that she pointed out in a extremely cruel way my hair loss (that at the time wasnt as bad lol) and literally made me self conscious from 3 years ago till today which has been extremely draining btw.
I call her selfish because, on top of the way she treats me, if i tell her how i feel she makes me the bad guy, if i decide not to talk to her she messages me asking me how i am and then if i answer negatively she starts playing the victim, i just have to lie and say im ok always just so she feels goof about herself even though life has lost its meaning long ago, i hate her so much sometimes, it has come to a point where i only consider my suicide as an inconvenience since the paperwork and the funeral are going to be quite annoying but nothing else i dont care about the weight my death will have on others other than that.
Also i kinda dislike how friends will ignore every single red flag so they can go through life without a worry but still decide to call themselves "friends" like if a friend of urs is obviously suicidal you try to actually help and if u dont want to its just fine, we are all busy and have better things to do, BUT dont call urself a friend like its not hard.
Anyways seeing how these are the "positives" in my life i just cant wait till this years ends and around late january-february comes (waiting till i finish the last exams of my degree, its funny cuz i wanted to wait to do this last year of college for a bit, since i knew i was going to kms if i tried to do it but obviously the deranged parent had to get angry at me when i even mentioned waiting a single year after only failing 1 out of 50 subjects in 4 years, welp hope the degree was worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lmfaooo)
Anyways it just rubs the wrong way that she said that i didnt tell her anything how she supposed to know im extremely deppressed, suicidal... acting like the victim when(just a little example) she straight up didnt allow me to have dinner with my family in new years for behaving a little weird ONCE and nothing crazy i just said "im not hungry dont worry, ill go back to my room" when my grandma asked me what i wanted for lunch in our family (weekly)reunion, like she was extremely mad about it and then when she discovered the self harm scars acting like she was awesome and so caring, this is ur fault damn! This was 5 years ago but it's one of the things that have been coming back to my mind the most lately.
After that she pointed out in a extremely cruel way my hair loss (that at the time wasnt as bad lol) and literally made me self conscious from 3 years ago till today which has been extremely draining btw.
I call her selfish because, on top of the way she treats me, if i tell her how i feel she makes me the bad guy, if i decide not to talk to her she messages me asking me how i am and then if i answer negatively she starts playing the victim, i just have to lie and say im ok always just so she feels goof about herself even though life has lost its meaning long ago, i hate her so much sometimes, it has come to a point where i only consider my suicide as an inconvenience since the paperwork and the funeral are going to be quite annoying but nothing else i dont care about the weight my death will have on others other than that.
Also i kinda dislike how friends will ignore every single red flag so they can go through life without a worry but still decide to call themselves "friends" like if a friend of urs is obviously suicidal you try to actually help and if u dont want to its just fine, we are all busy and have better things to do, BUT dont call urself a friend like its not hard.
Anyways seeing how these are the "positives" in my life i just cant wait till this years ends and around late january-february comes (waiting till i finish the last exams of my degree, its funny cuz i wanted to wait to do this last year of college for a bit, since i knew i was going to kms if i tried to do it but obviously the deranged parent had to get angry at me when i even mentioned waiting a single year after only failing 1 out of 50 subjects in 4 years, welp hope the degree was worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lmfaooo)
