Can relate. It's actually one of the reasons why I'm suicidal to begin with. It's hard to put into words and might even sound nonsensical to some, but one of the reasons why I wanna commit suicide is because I detest myself for being suicidal in the first place. It sounds crazy, but there's no better way to word it. It's like... I don't know what caused me to become all depressed and suicidal to begin with, but over time, whatever the reason was, it got replaced by this feeling of "hollowness" and hatred for myself.
It's almost as if I was meant to be like this from the start.
Sometimes I really wish I was a normal person like others.
Yep. I definitely get the feeling that this is somehow hardwired into my brain, like suicide was always going to be how my life ended. It's an awful way to exist, and I'm sorry you feel it too
If you just don't like life and don't find it and all that entails worthwhile, then that's a perfectly fine to reason to choose to die.
Of course, it's very possible that mental health treatment could change those feelings, especially if you haven't reached your mid-25's yet, and you probably owe it yourself to try, but it's possible it won't especially if you can't feel motivated to really devote yourself to it.
I have gone through antidepressants and a couple therapist sessions, the medication stopped working entirely about six months ago and therapy just isn't something I'm willing to open up to, even if I had the money for it. I definitely have the option to be a financial leech on my parents even more than I already am, to try therapy (and inevitably being institutionalized) and get on new medication and go through all the steps of recovery, but I don't see that lasting in any long term way, especially when I'm alone working a job I hate, struggling to pay rent, etc. It just feels like a waste of everyone's time and money when I inevitably end up in the same place
But I get what you're saying and I appreciate the sentiment, thank you. I definitely think recovery can work if you're willing to put in the effort or it's something you want. That's just... not me anymore :')
I've become so much more lazy. I used to feel so much guilt about not working. I just care so much less now. It's ridiculous but I find it agonising to do household chores even. The past few weeks, I've spent mostly on here! It's so hard when you don't have motivation.
Work in whatever direction simply has to pick up for me soon though because I do need to support myself financially. I need it but I'm also dreading it. I just find I'm in this weird limbo where I feel like I have to carry on for now while my Dad is still alive. Still- CTB is almost definitely the plan- so- that relieves me of worrying about or even working towards a future.
Still though- I need to get by, so it's like I'm doing the absolute bare minimum for things not to get worse! I guess that's the only way I can motivate myself now. What will happen if I don't do this? Then, I suppose I'd better. Kind of the lesser of the evils in each scenario. I'm actually trying to exercise each day which is excruciating but it's because I know- if work does come up, it will be crazy full on again and I need to be fit enough to do it.
I don't know what to say really. I'm sorry life feels so flat. Obviously, I don't know your situation. I wonder sometimes if it's not worse or at least complicit in feeling like this when we can. When we are financially supported as it were. I'm not sure how I'd be if I didn't have to work. Not that it makes us any happier though a lot of the time! That's the other thing- why should people aspire to modern living?!! Working so much of the time. Feeling tired, stressed and unfulfilled. I don't know many people who aren't struggling with at least one of them. Sometimes, all three! It's hard to feel motivated towards something that isn't even very appealing!
God, I feel this. Even a traditional "good life" doesn't sound like something I particularly want. The bad outweighs the good every time.
I also know how it feels to be obligated to keep living for a parent... it's an awful limbo to be in. I hope things get better for you somehow, regardless of what path you take. I wish life was better than this
