Venting Postponing my plans

[phoenixx]

I was planning on ctb with the next year, actually within the last year I planned to but covid fucked with my plans. After thinking a lot, and thinking about my family and my life, I've decided to put the plan on hold for now. I have a very close relationship with my mother and I don't think I can leave her right now. I know how much my death will affect her, so I do not want to put her through all of that pain. So for now, I'm thinking of staying for as long as I'm able to and postpone my plan. Maybe for another year, or longer. I even thought about leaving when she is no longer here. As much as I hate to think of it, I know she won't be around forever. Knowing that absolutely kills me. I know for a fact that I wouldn't be able to cope when that time comes and I will definitely not want to stay around without her. I can't even think about it. Even writing now.. it's hard to think about. But that's way ahead in the future. If I can hang on for that long and after she's no longer here, ctb will be easy for me. It would be ideal. I wouldn't have to worry about putting her through all of that pain. But I will have to see how I'm able to deal with life and if I can actually hold on for these years to come. I am in no way cancelling my plans or planning on recovering, just waiting.

 

[Pluto]

So glad to hear you have such a beautiful connection with your mother that it would inspire you to push on. None of us are here forever. Hopefully having faced these questions of death, you'll be more motivated than ever to make the most of each moment together. Some people only realise this when it's too late.

 

[Snake of Eden]

It is really a big sacrifice you are making in the name of love. I dont have strong relationship with any family member but I am also very hesitant to cause them suffering that my suicide will bring even though i have very good reasons to. For now I am keeping open mind about it because I am not sure i can hold on for much longer.

 

[FuneralCry]

Even know I could never stay alive for others, it is understandable not wanting to cause those close to you pain. I wish you the best.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

After thinking a lot, and thinking about my family and my life, I've decided to put the plan on hold for now.

I must be a hypocrite for wanting terribly to be gone myself but being glad you're still around. Here's to much better days ahead of you.

 

[phoenixx]

So glad to hear you have such a beautiful connection with your mother that it would inspire you to push on. None of us are here forever. Hopefully having faced these questions of death, you'll be more motivated than ever to make the most of each moment together. Some people only realise this when it's too late.

I think it's the main reason why I haven't been able to successfully ctb in the past. Yeah, I try and make the most of each moment with her. Not only her, but my three year old niece too. Me and my niece have a special bond, so I try to make as many memories as possible with her, because I know I won't be in her life forever. I remember exactly one month before she was born, I attempted. But the thought of not seeing her gave me strength to keep holding on. Shes probably also another reason I've been trying to hang on for a while longer, to give her all these wonderful memories while I can.

It is really a big sacrifice you are making in the name of love. I dont have strong relationship with any family member but I am also very hesitant to cause them suffering that my suicide will bring even though i have very good reasons to. For now I am keeping open mind about it because I am not sure i can hold on for much longer.

I think it's quite normal to be hesitant because of family/loved ones. It just shows how much of a good person you are. Keeping an open mind is a good thing, you don't need to rush into it. I wish you the best for whatever happens in your future

Even know I could never stay alive for others, it is understandable not wanting to cause those close to you pain. I wish you the best.

Thank you. It's incredibly hard, as much as I want to be at peace, I don't want her to suffer. But if I do change my mind and I cannot hold on any longer, I know she'll have a lot of support around her which does give me a little comfort. And I've tried my best to explain in my letters, so maybe that would help with the grieving process a little. But still, the thought of causing her so much pain is difficult to get past.

I must be a hypocrite for wanting terribly to be gone myself but being glad you're still around. Here's to much better days ahead of you.

You're not a hypocrite at all! I'm glad you're still around too. And thank you, I hope the same for you too.