Postponing CTB every week

[hannila_m]

Hi guys,

Im a newly registered member here, but I have been reading the forum for a very long time already. I suffer from depression for 4 years, have personality disorders. There is a pattern in my suicidal plans. Long story short: I suffer strong depression for 6-7 months and then It gets better for 4-5 months, and then everything starts all over again.

BUT during those 6-7 months of depression I am always planning to CTB, I reading a loot about it, buing stuff, and promising myself "I ll do that next week", and keep on postponing it.... but than the "better time" comes and I stop....

So basically I keep lying to myself and living in an illusion that "I will do that",but I just can't :(( I am scared...I don't want do die alone :(( I wish I could be terminally sick :(((

Now it's already the major depression time for the 4th time and I would really like it to be the last one. I want to CTB, I want to go. I see no point being here. It's not only because ion my mood, it's about my personality strong disorders :(( I am 30, have no chance for building a normal life with family etc. All my friends are having babies now or getting married etc... I

Sorry for such a long post, Just my first one here and I feel I needed to write it, Im lying in my bed and crying. But somehow feels better to know you are all here....
thank you for reading!

 

[hikikomorizombie]

welcome to SaSu hannila!!! i'm sorry to hear you're stuck in a cycle :// i'm kinda the same, in a way.

my personal belief is that when you're really meant to kys, it's a certainty. it's a calming, mind clearing feeling that removes all doubt. at the risk of sounding cliche, u feel it in ur bones. or @ least i do. unfortunately survival instinct (SI) isn't smthg so easily pushed aside, but once i knew kms was my only logical option, it helped w it a bit. so i guess my advice would be to wait for that feeling.

i wish u luck<3

 

[ijustwantout]

I'm sure that everyone here lives life like it's their last day. So no need to hold back while venting. Hope you find peace.

 

[hannila_m]

Thank you What do you guys mean by "venting"? Eng is not my first language

 

[uzuf86]

Thank you What do you guys mean by "venting"? Eng is not my first language

"venting" means opening up and expressing your pain or issues with others, often as a way of relieving pressure on yourself.

Hi guys,

Im a newly registered member here, but I have been reading the forum for a very long time already. I suffer from depression for 4 years, have personality disorders. There is a pattern in my suicidal plans. Long story short: I suffer strong depression for 6-7 months and then It gets better for 4-5 months, and then everything starts all over again.

BUT during those 6-7 months of depression I am always planning to CTB, I reading a loot about it, buing stuff, and promising myself "I ll do that next week", and keep on postponing it.... but than the "better time" comes and I stop....

So basically I keep lying to myself and living in an illusion that "I will do that",but I just can't :(( I am scared...I don't want do die alone :(( I wish I could be terminally sick :(((

Now it's already the major depression time for the 4th time and I would really like it to be the last one. I want to CTB, I want to go. I see no point being here. It's not only because ion my mood, it's about my personality strong disorders :(( I am 30, have no chance for building a normal life with family etc. All my friends are having babies now or getting married etc... I

Sorry for such a long post, Just my first one here and I feel I needed to write it, Im lying in my bed and crying. But somehow feels better to know you are all here....
thank you for reading!

I am not a psychiatrist but have you looked into practices such as meditation, exercise, or something like getting into sports?
I would seriously recommend trying them out and do them intensely - see what changes they can bring into your life in a week or couple of weeks

 

[carlo899]

Same situation man. Hope web can improve our Life and stop wanting tò suicide

 

[Deadfrogwalking]

I think a lot of us here feel the same way, I surely understand.
You will know when the time is right for you, as long as you are questioning yourself there is still a chance something will change and maybe you find a reason you can live with to stay.
No point in rushing and causing even more anguish.
There is no return from that final act if successful, in my opinion, you should be 100 percent certain of the last decision you will ever make and feel at peace doing so.