Discussion Post-Traumatic Embittered Disorder (What's got you bitter?)

[Dr Iron Arc]

Hi folks. Longtime replier, first-time thread creator here. I wasn't sure if this really belonged into the Suicide Discussion so I put it in Offtopic just to be safe. Anyway...

Post Traumatic Embittered Disorder is defined on Wikipedia as "a pathological reaction to drastic life events. The trigger is an extraordinary though common negative life event (for example, divorce, bereavement, dismissal, personal insult, or vilification). The consequence is severe and long-lasting embitterment. This disorder is not characterized by the triggering event but by the temporal connection to the critical incident."

Post-traumatic embitterment disorder - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

So basically, it means when something happened in your past that wrecked your emotions and caused you to become extremely resentful and obsess over the exact circumstances or details of that event. A classic fictional example would be like the death of Batman's parents for him. It's different from post-traumatic stress disorder because that is when remembering traumatic events triggers stress or fear. PTED instead is when these events bring anger, bitterness, shame, resentment, that kind of stuff. The term caught on in 2009 but not much has been looked into it ever since, probably because some of the people who actually have it became the mass shooters or other serial criminals in the world. They did conclude that getting revenge is not an effective treatment though. Other than that, one article in the LA Times called it "treatment-proof". The kicker with this condition is that the people who have it can be so far gone that there is nothing left for them than to ruminate on the negative event.

Content Warning?:

Spoiler

My event was far less dramatic but to me it was just as traumatic (I'm kind of a piece of shit like that lol). In my case basically, I lost my first chance at a real relationship to some guy who legitimately treats her like crap yet he's still better than me in every way. I remember the exact day I found out. It was the Christmas party for the place we both worked for and she told me matter-of-factly since we were friends and all. Learning this broke me. It confirmed every negative thing I already felt about myself and made it real. I'm sure it really doesn't sound that bad to anyone hearing this story but I went through my dad physically and verbally abusing me, dropping out of college, and even a shitty sales job where I never sold anything but none of that compares to that single moment when I realized once and for all that my life needs to be over and that I am going to die alone. Before this happened to me I would still cling onto hope and the goodness of mankind but now I really just don't care anymore. I lost my ability to truly care about anyone else. Not my family, not my friends, and definitely not myself. I've also become extremely racist against the group of people that other guy belongs to (don't worry he's not black, indigenous, or Hispanic so at least I'm not racist to them). Even so though, that event caused me to knowingly become a terrible person I went from wanting to see the good in everyone to only being able to see the good in people like me, aka evil, hateful villains. I just want to see all members of that group of people suffer then die and even though logically I know they aren't actually responsible for all my problems, they might as well be. I see them as subhuman creatures of filth but to be fair, so am I. I get told to move on all the time but the issue is I can't. I simply don't have the strength to move somewhere I don't want to go. Maybe if I knew where I'd have an idea but so far I haven't found anyone else to move on to and I doubt that's healthy anyway even though it's been almost five years. I've tried a little bit to find someone else but I realize that this girl was unique and there's no one else like her, at least in my vicinity. Besides, what girl would actually like me knowing how terrible I am which they'd see if they truly know me. And that's not even considering all the other problems with me. No, I'm just doomed to be a racist a-hole who deserves to die. The only noble thing left to do is remove myself from the earth.

Anyway, I know that bitterness doesn't always lead to becoming a terrible person but it did for me. I just wanted to put this out there in case anyone still thought I was any good. That would be unfortunate. I'm also curious though, is anyone else currently in their own miserable situation because of one specific event? Like the definition says, it could be anything as long as it's an event (if you're traumatized by something happening in your life every day I am so sorry).

 

[Caspers]

I don't know whether you wanted help when posting this, so just ignore me if you don't. If you want to stop being racist towards those people, maybe start writing good about them? Maybe their race invented something, or there are some nice celebrities. Start finding the good in them and maybe that would help with your negative views of this race. If you didn't want help, apologies for saying this.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I don't know whether you wanted help when posting this, so just ignore me if you don't. If you want to stop being racist towards those people, maybe start writing good about them? Maybe their race invented something, or there are some nice celebrities. Start finding the good in them and maybe that would help with your negative views of this race. If you didn't want help, apologies for saying this.

I don't know what I really want but thank you for making the effort anyway. I hate myself so much that I sometimes don't want to see myself improve even though I do at the same time. It's confusing, I know. Sometimes it just helps to have an external scapegoat for my problems as bad as that sounds. Although I can at least name one of their foods that I can tolerate (though for a while I was absolutely disgusted by it because that specific dish brought them closer together in the first place). Other than that, making exceptions for certain shining paragons of a group is apparently also still bad so I guess I'm stuck there but thanks again for trying to help and at least not reacting with rage or fake affirmation that I'm "not really racist" as I've been told by my friends and therapist.

 

[Xocoyotziin]

I've been ruminating on a couple of things for around six years now, and they've colored my perception of people and the world in a maladaptive way. But I'm not sure if it's the things themselves that bother me or the uncomfortable aspects of myself that are related to or precipitated those things. They would also have been completely non-traumatic to a normal person, and they obliterated what little probably undeserved self-esteem I had.

I'm glad you shared this. It takes a lot of guts to be able to openly admit to being racist when you're not someone who's proud of it. I can relate to feeling so fucked up by how I *allowed* a situation to affect me and the way I do and see things, how incommunicable the chain reaction is, and how powerless I feel to change it, that it makes me want to purge myself for everyone's sake. But then I get scared of dying as a bad person because I'm a superstitious moron and I think I might go to hell.

I carry a lot of the same generalized and unsubstantiated hatred, not for a particular race, but for people who give me certain cues. It's so stupid but I also feel that they all hate me while all I want is acceptance and forgiveness that isn't at all owed to me by these people I don't even know. I feel like I'm never given a chance, when in reality I'm given plenty of chances, it's just this *thing* that prevents me from ever acknowledging them, that everyone sees me as this unalterable and essentially evil person, and that that evil is a product of me exclusively and not circumstance, but at the same time I'm incapable of giving chances myself unless I'm transparently faking it, and I see them as evil too in true hypocrite form, so what am I to do? Lol.

Shit, I feel like I could cry right now, I hope it's not too cheesy but for both of us. Thankfully I'm not quite there. Wasn't expecting that.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm glad you shared this. It takes a lot of guts to be able to openly admit to being racist when you're not someone who's proud of it. I can relate to feeling so fucked up by how I *allowed* a situation to affect me and the way I do and see things, how incommunicable the chain reaction is, and how powerless I feel to change it, that it makes me want to purge myself for everyone's sake. But then I get scared of dying as a bad person because I'm a superstitious moron and I think I might go to hell.

I used to be scared of that too, still am sometimes. But for me, I realized I was always gonna be a bad person, this just was kind of the catalyst that solidified it for me. I also don't think of myself as courageous either for being this way in the first place. but thank you.

Shit, I feel like I could cry right now, I hope it's not too cheesy but for both of us. Thankfully I'm not quite there. Wasn't expecting that.

Feel free to cry all you want, I've cried so much about it that I no longer can.

 

[Xocoyotziin]

It's like the scorpion who needed to be rescued from the flood and stung the frog after it carried the scorpion across the river.

But the scorpion didn't mean to, he really wanted what was best for the frog all along, and when he realizes what he's done he grieves for the rest of his life.

I tend to think of Kali dancing over her beloved Shiva's corpse who she accidentally slew while destroying her own demons.

I think the worst part of being a scorpion from the scorpion's perspective is when you find yourself wondering why everyone else is afraid of you when you want to share in the same love that they have. You don't want to be a scorpion but you are one. Then you look at it from a logical perspective, you understand it, and you either change or it's meant to be.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

But the scorpion didn't mean to, he really wanted what was best for the frog all along, and when he realizes what he's done he grieves for the rest of his life.

I tend to think of Kali dancing over her beloved Shiva's corpse who she accidentally slew while destroying her own demons.

But it was the scorpion's nature to do so. With folks who function like this, I have to accept them as they are because until it changes, this is their nature.

And I think Shiva was kind of into it. He died smiling. He's the destroyer, after all. It's his thing, even if he's the one destroyed. But yeah, one can definitely mourn once their vengeance has been enacted. It's a good cautionary tale.

 

[Xocoyotziin]

And I think Shiva was kind of into it. He died smiling

I hadn't thought of that, but now that I have, I think it speaks more to that kind of Hindu super-human acceptance and unconditional love of others than it does to Shiva's identity as a destroyer god. If I loved someone deeply enough I could see myself forgiving them for accidentally destroying me and die happily knowing they hadn't meant it, that it was a part of what I loved about them, and that I was grateful for having the opportunity to have loved them. I don't think I'd want them to regret it too much, or maybe I would want them to regret it intensely, but not think that it negates my love and my desire to console them in the end. But that's a highly idealized scenario, nothing like what happens in our messy world.

It also probably doesn't fit the mythology, obviously it's an individualized perspective. But myth is metaphor anyway and the more permutations of it the better, as long as they speak to someone. Though purists and more traditional folks may disagree lol.

I'm also totally changing my subtitle thing to scorpion as a result of this exchange. Fair warning to deter those who need it.

 

[Wayfaerer]

People who blame me for their fuck-ups. No, that was your doing and not mine.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

People who blame me for their fuck-ups. No, that was your doing and not mine.

I mean no disrespect. Are you bitter about people who do blame you or are you angry about people who may be bitter towards you?

 

[Wayfaerer]

I mean no disrespect. Are you bitter about people who do blame you or are you angry about people who may be bitter towards you?

People who blame me.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Oh yeah, I'm also very bitter about my parents failures. I'd rather not list them all but I will never forgive them. One of them has already been dead for years anyway.

 

[catalepsy]

I had a demon like you describe once. It still rears its ugly head from time to time, but I think I've done a reasonable job at taming it. I can never tell, though. I might be the one getting tamed. These things are complicated. I always keep my eyes on the long game. This is development fodder and I'm a lump of knobby wood waiting to find a better shape and I stress about it. The bit about your work friend who turned you down for the other guy hits home pretty hard for me right now, too, but I won't digress. If I did, this comment would be a book.