SanagiMezamete
Member
- Jan 1, 2026
- 31
I'm so avoidant and lazy and I hate it. I always wait to address things until it's way too late, and by then I just want to CTB out of shame and frustration for being so useless.
This has been a pattern all my life but it just happened again and I wasn't in a good state of mind to deal with it.
Recently I let a lot of people down, including myself, even though the inconvenience was trivial and it feels dumb that it triggered suicidal thoughts in me. But it's not this incident in particular, it's yet another entry in a long list of occurrences and it's hard to keep dealing with.
I could have prevented it so easily, but instead I'm selfish and decided to sit around doing nothing but thinking about killing myself all day. Instead of putting in 1 of work. Maybe 2 hours tops. Even right now I'm on this forum talking about myself instead of doing anything.
It might not be intentional or malicious, but I'm fully aware of what is happening in the moment. I always think, "I could solve this problem right now, but I really want to do nothing instead. Why am I doing this to myself?" and then I do nothing.
I don't mean to put down anyone who has done the same thing by the way. I'm sure there are others here who struggle with motivation and inaction from depression and suicidal thoughts. I just need to get these thoughts of self hatred out of my head. I am so disappointed in myself right now. I wish I was better than the way I am.
This has been a pattern all my life but it just happened again and I wasn't in a good state of mind to deal with it.
Recently I let a lot of people down, including myself, even though the inconvenience was trivial and it feels dumb that it triggered suicidal thoughts in me. But it's not this incident in particular, it's yet another entry in a long list of occurrences and it's hard to keep dealing with.
I could have prevented it so easily, but instead I'm selfish and decided to sit around doing nothing but thinking about killing myself all day. Instead of putting in 1 of work. Maybe 2 hours tops. Even right now I'm on this forum talking about myself instead of doing anything.
It might not be intentional or malicious, but I'm fully aware of what is happening in the moment. I always think, "I could solve this problem right now, but I really want to do nothing instead. Why am I doing this to myself?" and then I do nothing.
I don't mean to put down anyone who has done the same thing by the way. I'm sure there are others here who struggle with motivation and inaction from depression and suicidal thoughts. I just need to get these thoughts of self hatred out of my head. I am so disappointed in myself right now. I wish I was better than the way I am.
