Discussion Poll: When you first had suicidal thoughts / actual plans, were your worried / frightened about them?

[Praestat_Mori]

I first had real suicidal thoughts only about 5 years ago and in the same time I started planing my method after personal life circumstances changed to the worse and it was clear to me that I may have to consider suicide to bring this to an end, should my situation not improve. I was never worried or frightend about that because to me it was always clear that suicide is an option I would take under certain circumstances.

What about you?

 

[RedHates]

I was still stuck in the mindset that suicide was bad and the fact that I was having these thoughts worried me a lot. But since joining this forum and reading others stories, Ive come to agree with a lot of the beliefs here.

 

[stilldreaming]

Planning and thinking about suicide calms me down and relaxes me wonderfully. Even initially, when I started getting serious about it, there was just relief that finally it would all be over.

 

[ringo99]

Thinking of suicide actually made me feel relieved. It was like a gigantic weight was lifted off my shoulders. Here was a simple solution to everything wrong in my life right in front of me. Never felt so liberated. The only caveat was finding a painless method to do it. Thanks to SS I was put on to SN.

 

[Darkover]

when i first became suicidal back 19 years ago i was 18 it was really scary because i wanted to live now i don't care at all just want to be nothing forall time

 

[MrDarkness]

When I first attempted I tried to od, I was so depressed. I look at the pill bottle, I thought for a second, then I just downed the hole thing. No SI or nothing, found out later it was impossible to od on them, but still, downed the hole thing and I did not care

 

[Crono]

The first time I thought about suicide I was 17 years old, but I started thinking seriously about it at the age of 20 and actively planning suicide only 6 months ago.(I'm currently 23).

Thinking about suicide scares me but at the same time makes me calm because I feel relieved to think about leaving this horrible world.

 

[Altaexbiri]

Yes. I looked at the pills I wanted to od on, and in my head they would be even more deadly since they are expired(I didn't know too much about meds). I then had a panic attack and went to bed. The meds were expired and even if they weren't they most likely not lethal, but the concept of killing myself was scary enough.

 

[sayire]

I was in extreme panic not believing that I was actually thinking about ctb seriously when they first appeared.

 

[FuneralCry]

No, wanting to die has always made sense to me, it's a logical reaction to being trapped in this dreadful world, I see non-existence as being the only comfort and relief, not everyone sees existence as being a desirable state, it never was for me. I could never wish to exist here no matter what, wanting to not exist is all that I know.

 

[Dindurnatha]

Yes but also no.

I was somewhere between 8 and 12 the first time I considered dying tho, so it's entirely possible that the passage of time has dulled the terror lol.

I remember thinking that it was the only way to escape, but I also really really wanted to know what life was like as an adult. So I made a deal with myself that I'd keep going until I found out if adult life was worth it, and if it wasn't, well ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯

the first time I actually like. Was inches away from attempting? that was actually pretty scary bc it came out of nowhere. I had a bad reaction to an ADHD medication and it honestly felt like something else had control of me and I was just watching. So that scared me but I think it was more the lack of control instead of the prospect of dying.

 

[Lulzacruel]

i used to be actively suicidal, now i am just passively suicidal, in that i dont try, but i will welcome death

 

[Octopixie]

I wasn't afraid most of the times that I made attempts. I'm not even afraid of a slow painful death at this point. I am however terrified of what happens if I fail yet again

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Yeah, mine were after a very traumatic life event that happened around 15

 

[suicidalloser]

i'm tired of talking, all questions

 

[hellispink]

I have never felt scared about my thoughts of dying. First time I had then was then I was 10. I always seemed them as something normal and that i needed to obtained. Nothing is worse than being awake.

 

[Sapphire]

I was scared when I first realized that I was serious about going through with it.

 

[Aisley]

I was maybe 15? Not sure about that, but I was quite numb by then. Processing in bits and pieces. Realized it would be best to wait, while halfway through an attempt, and stopped, all still in numbness. Or calm? Idk what it is sometimes.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Thread bump :-)

 

[wristcutangel]

i was around 8 at the time i think? i just thought "oh! if i'm dead then i won't feel bad anymore" and it just seemed like a rational idea.

 

[Sweet Tart]

I don't remember ever being scared or worried about having suicidal thoughts. They have been with me for so many years. I've felt sad about not having ways to salvage my life into something meaningful; I've tried with everything I have and it feels like I keep hitting a brick wall. My circumstances are what they are. My only options are to act within them or seek oblivion, which seems more and more rational.

 

[chahan.trading]

First time, scared because i was born and raised in a religious community.

Now, continuing to live, thinking about tomorrow is more than scary than getting the chance to get the peace sooner.

 

[90starve]

my first suicidal thoughts were during childhood - i really wish that i could remember how it felt and what caused them, but im missing the memories for some reason.

 

[The anhedonic one]

I've been suicidal since I was a kid. The suicidal thoughts always brought me comfort as a means of escape from reality.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Thread bump :-)

Currently we have 40% yes and 60% no votes. That's interesting. Anyone is welcome to still vote! Thanks!

 

[Elliana Berriana]

The thoughts came gradually, and when I noticed them, I just focused on how I didn't want to be alive, to deal with all this pain. When I have suicidal thoughts, they're the only thing on my mind at first, and then I think about why I shouldn't CTB, but when I'm only thinking about death, the only thing I feel is wanting to die. It also numbs the pain, because I know that I could possibly have a way out from this living nightmare.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Bump.

This poll of mine.

Maybe some newer users want to vote / comment.

 

[Abyssal]

The thoughts? No
The plans? Yes, it was intense.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes- but I was only 10. I had been raised to believe suicide would be punished in hell- so, it's not really surprising my suicidal thoughts troubled me at first. It is surprising I guess how quickly I got over that though- considering how young I was. After maybe only a few times more of the thoughts coming in my mind, I was like- why is this such an unreasonable response to my life right now? 3 of my closest family members are dead and I'm living in fear and misery with a (suspected) narcissist. Why shouldn't I want out of this shit show? Of course- at the time, I didn't know about narcissism and I didn't use the word 'shit' regularly! I was just extremely aware of how unhappy and afraid I was and I saw no benefit to living like that. Plus- I realised that the whole hell thing was someone elses belief- not necessarily mine. I felt unsure- as I do still now to be honest but, I didn't see why we should all have to live according to another person's belief. I was a rebel at heart I suppose.

 

[Valky]

I was 13 and thought my brain was just being funny :,)