Discussion Poll: How much therapy/ treatment have you received and did it help?

[Forever Sleep]

So- apologies if there are other threads that cover this. Plus, I realise I'm kind of looking at three different topics here- How many people here have received treatment- therapy or medication? How effective was it? How does it compare to a website such as this? Still, I feel like all three are relavent to the point I hope it will carry across...

I'm really posting this as a kind of backlash to the feeling of threat towards forums like this we are all experiencing at the moment. (Whether that be justified or not.) I suppose my aim is to show- should they happen to be watching- that perhaps rather than focus on forums like this and restricting people access to knowledge about more peaceful CTB methods (and completely ignoring the fact that many people use this place as a support group), they should instead look at how effective the treatment on offer is...

I think often the first thing people ('normies') say in response to a suicide is: 'But why didn't they reach out?' So... How many of you did reach out? How extensive was your treatment and how much did it help you? In addition- how does it compare to the experience you have had here? In terms of a comforting/ stabalizing effect- which has helped you more to carry on living? (Ironically) You can vote multiple times here.

I realise I won't have covered all the issues... I'm not great at these polls. Still, I think it would be interesting to see what proportion of people have received treatment (if you are up for sharing) and how effective it was. I know for a fact there are some therapy/ medication horror stories out there for one. Also- for people who haven't sought help at all- that's also telling I would say. I imagine for some- it is because they do not believe themselves to be 'ill' and needing treatment. Many see suicidal ideation as a logical response to this world. Perhaps for some it is also a lack of faith in the treatment available or even- not being able to access help in the first place... So- what's your story?



For me- only a few sessions with a college therapist. They were actually overall pretty good looking back and very perceptive considering we only spoke a few times. It was my choice to stop going. I found it to be very intrusive and uncomfortable (which it's bound to be...)

I went on one course of Fluoxetine (Prozac) but I can't say it made any difference.

In my case- the honest truth is I'm unwilling to put the work and discomfort in on myself to 'fix' myself. I can't fairly judge the 'help' on offer in my country because I haven't given it enough of a chance.

I also can't really compare therapy or medication to this place in terms of a tool to help me through- not having experienced much of the former. However, I would say I am so deeply grateful for this place and everyone who contributes.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Anti-depressants/therapy saved my life but paradoxically ended up, gaslighting me into ignoring deeper problems that have now come to roost…

 

[SamTam33]

I spent 48 days in a psych hospital when I was younger. It was fun not going to school and raising hell with the other patients.

I've talked with therapists as part of diversion programs or whatever they're called, but they'd always realize that I wasn't "crazy" so we'd end up talking about random stuff not related to my issues.

We'd just shoot the breeze and they'd eventually express a similar sentiment: I don't think you belong here.

I'm not broken in the traditional sense, so there's nothing to be fixed.

Edit: this was 25 - 30 years ago, so standards were different. Today you can't even say the word suicide in certain forums or arenas without someone calling in the white coats. Things weren't like that back then. There was less concern about "liability" and lawsuits.

 

[nopointinlife]

I used to do weekly therapy sessions, monthly visits with my psychiatrist, and a course of benzodiazepines and antidepressants to treat my depression and anxiety. It did help me deal with my problems at the time, but new ones surfaced and caused me to change my regimen. My therapist told me I was beyond his ability to help, and my psychiatrist prescribed me stronger antidepressants which started my ctb urges. I couldn't tell him about the growing ctb feelings so I stopped seeing him and threw away my meds. Suffering from the withdrawal effects made me want to ctb so much. Thankfully, I found this website. Initially I was looking for ctb methods and support. As everyone knows, there is a wealth of ctb method info here. What many and the media do not recognize is that there is also an incredible amount of support here for those who have ctb urges but do not want to pursue them. Life can be such a bitch, but I'm grateful that this pro-choice site has become an integral part of my daily life routine.

 

[justwanasleep]

I've done loads of therapy met loads of nut doctors as a inpatient and outpatient. cognitive behavioural therapy helps a tiny bit at the time I think the premise of it is to bullshit yourself and challenge your thoughts but I've forgotten it all now. Normal counselling just going to see someone every week did not help me at all I couldn't trust them so I just tried minimising everything and not saying too much. Anti psychotic medications like quetiapine are probably the reason I'm still here and get through my day they are fucking good at numbing you.

 

[tardis]

I have never been able to get therapy because I couldn't afford it. I think a good therapist might have helped me many years ago but now it's far too late.

 

[bigsadbean]

I've been in therapy since I was nine years old, multiple hospitalizations, voluntary and involuntary. I've been in multiple types of group therapy, individual therapy, intensive outpatient programs.. I've been on medications since I was twelve. Early on my doctors prescribed medication with weight gain as a side effect and didn't inform me about it, and I've had an absolutely miserable lifelong struggle with weight/self image/eating disorders as well as trust issues with psych meds as a result. I've been on dozens of med combos and nothing has really worked, and I'm always afraid to tell doctors that they aren't working in case they put me on something else with awful side effects. That also doesn't work. I'm fortunate to have family members with some resources (not that I'm happy about burdening them) so I've tried wacky stuff like ketamine infusions and non traditional therapy programs that don't take insurance. Nothing works and all I want is to die peacefully without burdening others. It's pretty impossible for me to take care of myself and be anything resembling a self sufficient adult which is humiliating. Regardless if I continue to accept help from my family or apply for disability benefits I feel extremely guilty just about the fact that I exist and thus inconvenience other people. Just.. it's completely insane the rhetoric that people have about suicide and "oh life is a gift! Permanent solution to a temporary problem" yadda yadda. Sometimes, as I have explained quite thoroughly, it is the only sane and humane option.

 

[theboy]

I used to do weekly therapy sessions, monthly visits with my psychiatrist, and a course of benzodiazepines and antidepressants to treat my depression and anxiety. It did help me deal with my problems at the time, but new ones surfaced and caused me to change my regimen. My therapist told me I was beyond his ability to help, and my psychiatrist prescribed me stronger antidepressants which started my ctb urges. I couldn't tell him about the growing ctb feelings so I stopped seeing him and threw away my meds. Suffering from the withdrawal effects made me want to ctb so much. Thankfully, I found this website. Initially I was looking for ctb methods and support. As everyone knows, there is a wealth of ctb method info here. What many and the media do not recognize is that there is also an incredible amount of support here for those who have ctb urges but do not want to pursue them. Life can be such a bitch, but I'm grateful that this pro-choice site has become an integral part of my daily life routine.

i feel u bro

 

[BipolarExpress]

I've been in therapy for about half my life this point, and I'm in my midthirties. I've been on eight different antidepressants and mood stabilisers (fluoxetine/Prozac, citalopram/Celexa, duloxetine/Cymbalta, sertraline/Zoloft, bupropion/Wellbutrin, St. John's wort, and now lithium and lamotrigine/Lamictal). And yet here I am, still wanting to kill myself with a jar of SN in my kitchen cabinet.

 

[timorousTruant]

Been in therapy for six years now I believe. Have tried so many different medications for anxiety and depression which all did nothing. I have very severe anxiety, which each of my therapists and psychiatrists throughout the years have seemed at a complete loss with. Have been trying so, so hard with exposure therapy to no avail. Therapy itself has become a source of anxiety for me now, and I dread every single session. I finally got off my useless meds and broke things off with my psychiatrist (still have a therapist unfortunately)--she was pushy for a very long time that I stay on the meds, but lo and behold, I felt absolutely no difference going off them. Honestly it all feels like a massive waste of my time and money. It really isn't for everybody.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I've been in therapy since I was nine years old, multiple hospitalizations, voluntary and involuntary. I've been in multiple types of group therapy, individual therapy, intensive outpatient programs.. I've been on medications since I was twelve. Early on my doctors prescribed medication with weight gain as a side effect and didn't inform me about it, and I've had an absolutely miserable lifelong struggle with weight/self image/eating disorders as well as trust issues with psych meds as a result. I've been on dozens of med combos and nothing has really worked, and I'm always afraid to tell doctors that they aren't working in case they put me on something else with awful side effects. That also doesn't work. I'm fortunate to have family members with some resources (not that I'm happy about burdening them) so I've tried wacky stuff like ketamine infusions and non traditional therapy programs that don't take insurance. Nothing works and all I want is to die peacefully without burdening others. It's pretty impossible for me to take care of myself and be anything resembling a self sufficient adult which is humiliating. Regardless if I continue to accept help from my family or apply for disability benefits I feel extremely guilty just about the fact that I exist and thus inconvenience other people. Just.. it's completely insane the rhetoric that people have about suicide and "oh life is a gift! Permanent solution to a temporary problem" yadda yadda. Sometimes, as I have explained quite thoroughly, it is the only sane and humane option.

Almost the exact same. You're not alone, meager consolation as that may be.

 

[DysphoriaKilledMe]

Tried 10 months of therapy, but what could it solve? How does therapy eliminate dysphoria or solve my problem? What could a therapist recommend I do, that I couldn't have found on google or reddit? Therapy is just sanctioned gaslighting imo.

 

[almaranthine]

2014- Baker Acted in college. Ironically enough, there really was nothing wrong with me back then aside from being a stoner procrastinator who neglected her responsibilities. Roommate's abusive boyfriend called the cops on me and made up some shit about me being suicidal as revenge for revealing that he sexually assaulted me. Was released from care in about 8hrs. This was the beginning of my mental health record.
2015- lived alone off campus, was still in college, had financial troubles and was very stressed. I was raped and then sought care on campus with a therapist. Suffered first manic episode after telling my best friend(who I was in love with) about the rape. He blamed me and acted disgusted. I had a very weak support system, and his reaction was unprecedented. I lost my shit. I was found wandering around a restricted area of the campus (think medical research) without shoes spouting nonsense and was committed for 72 hrs. After being released, I was on 3 different antipsychotics, still out of my mind. My family left me alone at the apartment... I got in a very bad car accident the next day.
In order to be allowed back to school I was supposed to see a psychiatrist and psychologist to assess my condition and make sure I was fit for studies. My family didn't care about my mental health and just wanted me back in school. It was negotiated that I just had to get the ok from a psychologist. Only went for a few sessions. Family member explained the "deal" to this therapist. She said I had ptsd but would be find to resume studies.
2016- I wasn't fine. I failed out of school. I went manic/psychotic again, tried to check myself into 3 different hospitals and was refused care.
2017- I attempted suicide. Was sectioned for 72 hours. This stay, unlike the first, was actually okay (different facility). I was put on benzos and actually went to outpatient therapy for the first time ever. Gave up after a doctor refused to give me meds for anxiety and wanted to put me on antidepressants.
2018-2019- lived with abusive ex, was very manic/psychotic, not sure how I kept my job
2019-2021- got out of bad relationship and lived with my mom, was steadily employed ...not happy but didn't experience any bad mania/psychosis after I settled in.
2022- lost living place with mom, was forced to move back in with ex... went crazy again, tried to check myself into a psych hospital, they wouldn't keep me for treatment... ex brutally attacked me, was arrested... and here I am, still in the sad apartment. I regained "sanity" again a few months after he left.

I'm tired of the brutal cycle and not having control over my own mind/thoughts.
I just want it all to be over.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

2014- Baker Acted in college. Ironically enough, there really was nothing wrong with me back then aside from being a stoner procrastinator who neglected her responsibilities. Roommate's abusive boyfriend called the cops on me and made up some shit about me being suicidal as revenge for revealing that he sexually assaulted me. Was released from care in about 8hrs. This was the beginning of my mental health record.
2015- lived alone off campus, was still in college, had financial troubles and was very stressed. I was raped and then sought care on campus with a therapist. Suffered first manic episode after telling my best friend(who I was in love with) about the rape. He blamed me and acted disgusted. I had a very weak support system, and his reaction was unprecedented. I lost my shit. I was found wandering around a restricted area of the campus (think medical research) without shoes spouting nonsense and was committed for 72 hrs. After being released, I was on 3 different antipsychotics, still out of my mind. My family left me alone at the apartment... I got in a very bad car accident the next day.
In order to be allowed back to school I was supposed to see a psychiatrist and psychologist to assess my condition and make sure I was fit for studies. My family didn't care about my mental health and just wanted me back in school. It was negotiated that I just had to get the ok from a psychologist. Only went for a few sessions. Family member explained the "deal" to this therapist. She said I had ptsd but would be find to resume studies.
2016- I wasn't fine. I failed out of school. I went manic/psychotic again, tried to check myself into 3 different hospitals and was refused care.
2017- I attempted suicide. Was sectioned for 72 hours. This stay, unlike the first, was actually okay (different facility). I was put on benzos and actually went to outpatient therapy for the first time ever. Gave up after a doctor refused to give me meds for anxiety and wanted to put me on antidepressants.
2018-2019- lived with abusive ex, was very manic/psychotic, not sure how I kept my job
2019-2021- got out of bad relationship and lived with my mom, was steadily employed ...not happy but didn't experience any bad mania/psychosis after I settled in.
2022- lost living place with mom, was forced to move back in with ex... went crazy again, tried to check myself into a psych hospital, they wouldn't keep me for treatment... ex brutally attacked me, was arrested... and here I am, still in the sad apartment. I regained "sanity" again a few months after he left.

I'm tired of the brutal cycle and not having control over my own mind/thoughts.
I just want it all to be over.

Sounds like you were failed multiple times by the people who were supposed to be there for you.

 

[almaranthine]

Sounds like you were failed multiple times by the people who were supposed to be there for you.

yeah... eventually I think I just internalized it all, believing I didn't deserve any help or support from anyone.

 

[Zegers]

What has helped me the most, without a doubt, are anxiety pills (benzos)

 

[Unending]

What has helped me the most, without a doubt, are anxiety pills (benzos)

Oddly enough, I feel like I don't find much benefit in any anxiety meds I've tried including xanax, klonopin, and valium. The only thing that has really helped my anxiety consistently has been kratom but I overdid it quite bad so my body doesn't react very well to it anymore.

 

[Altvtysp]

I first went to a psych hospital for about 8 hours in 2008 when I got very drunk and into a domestic dispute with my partner at the time and stupidly expressed the suicidal ideation I've carried with me my entire life. I was so drunk I don't remember how I ended up at the local psych hospital but they quickly released me because I totally denied what was being claimed I said to others.

The first time I attempted suicide I was 18 in 1999. I was upset over a bad breakup and swallowed like over a thousand Tylenol pills, 500 ibuprofen pills and a couple hundred other pills I could get my hands on. I ended up spending a week at the hospital taking the antidote to Tylenol poisoning which tastes like rotten eggs. They never sent me to a psych hospital.

I had started on Luvox a few months before from a family doctor. I had stopped taking the Luvox like 2-3 days before the attempt and didn't see an actual psychiatrist until I went into alcohol detox in 2010. The suicide attempt scared me away from psych pharmaceuticals for over a decade and I wish I never went back on them again.

I've been 5150ed something like 8 times and 5250ed like 3 times in my life. I've been to around 8 different hospitals with the last one being last week. Last Sunday I was forcibly hog tied by the cops and taken against my will to some shithole place and forced to stay there for 5 days. They attempted to place a 5250 on me but fortunately I've done this rodeo enough I knew exactly what to say to the court representative so they fortunately ended up denying it and I was able to leave that night.

Between 2010 and 2021 I have been to about a dozen psychiatrists and have tried dozens of different psych meds in various "cocktails". A year and a half ago I decided that psych drugs don't help and the allure of "finding the right mix of drugs" and I'd get "better" was broken. Infact I've tried to overdose on psych drugs in 2018 and 2019.

I've tried various ways to end my life and the 6 attempts 1999, 2013, 3 in 2018, 2019 all of them ended up with me being hospitalized in a regular hospital for at least 2 days but only like 2 of the times I had to go to a psych hospital afterwards.

My 7th and 8th attempts were very recent and the method I tried was because of research on here and other places and books I've downloaded. I tried using a ratchet strap and partially hanging with rope and while I didn't have to be hospitalized it really fucked up my eyes and neck. Probably my closest successful attempt was in 2018 when I took a razorblade and cut 7" deep gashes in both my wrists. I lost 6 pints of blood but unfortunately my wounds eventually clotted even though I kept them in hot water. I never "researched" any attempt until just very recently.

I'd say this website is both good and bad. It's been really nice to be able to speak my mind without any filtering but has made me more likely to try to kill myself. Like I mentioned the last two attempts damaged my eyes really bad and my neck is still fucked up. I now believe since I'm such a coward to just get it done no matter what that I'm not even really that suicidal.

I had my life destroyed by some false allegations at my former job. Every single day I just want to be dead and everyone in my life understands that I feel this way. I'm trapped in a life I hate and hope to have enough courage to finally successfully execute ending my life. Now that the holidays are here I guess I'll try to bear getting through them for my family but it's just going to be incredibly difficult to get through this without CTB.

I definitely don't want to live and psychiatrists can't "fix" me. I've seen various therapists over the years and some have been somewhat helpful but I'd probably scare off anyone if I was actually open and honest about what I'm going through so what's the point anyways. I'm convinced that there is no help for me and I just need to work up the courage to go throw myself off a high point or something. I wish I had access to a gun this would be done already.

 

[DerBipolarBär]

Hello everyone.
Glad to have found SS. Heureka!

I am a 55-yo psychologist with bipolar disorder. Looks like I am the grandaddy here. :D

It all started when I was a kid - could not sleep, rocked to the beat of music on my chair, smacked the back of my head against the couch for hours every day. Parents and siblings didn't care, made fun of me.
An elementary school child, I once threw the key to my room out the window, wanting to starve to death in my room. Not sure whether this could be considered a suicide attempt. And even if it was, my parents did not act on it.

Come university, I got depressed, tried to prematurely ctb at age 21. The thereapist tha followed was straight from hell, hugged me with his awful breath, greasy hair full of dandruff, which I found revolting, but it didn't have the courage to tell him. Switched colleges, one year after I got psychotic. 3 months in a psych ward, thereof 2 months locked. 4-point fixated for a week after I got violent towards hospital staff. Heavily medicated, thorazine shuffle, saliva running from my mouth. That was in the early 90s, when psychiatry was very different. Next therapist was a bit better, since he never said a thing and just listened. For unknown reasons ...

I WENT SYMPTOM-FREE AND WAS UNMEDICATED FOR 14 YEARS. - SO IF YOU'RE STILL YOUNG, MAYBE THIS ISN'T THE END OF YOUR ROPE JUST YET.
... I had a great career, made tons of money, moved from Germany to California. Come age 38, I started going to Burning Man and come across party favors such as weed, MDMA, LSD... combined with terrible breakups, and a burn out at work. This is when I started tailspinning again and ended up with a bipolar diagnosis. Soon came psych meds and all sorts of therapist I paid out of pocket forl. Nothing helped. Seven years ago returned to Germany, for the sake of better healthcare. Went through outpatient programs, self help groups, at least a thousand (!) 12-step meetings, even more therapists... have tried various combinations of meds, ketogenic diet, living vegan, doing marathons, 130 days of silent meditation and Buddhism, nothing really helped. In fact, over the years, my energy is slowly draining, and with that my capacity to cope with daily life. It's been 17 years living with bipolar disoder now, and I have lost confidence that it will get better again, since some trains (such as a decent career and financial stability, founding a family, having enough money for old age) have definitely left the station.

There are mental health conditions such as bipolar , schizoaffective, or schizophrenia, where all that can be done via therapy is 'containment', rather than healing. Therepists help you to get through life, structure your day, etc. but it is not expected for you to heal. If there was early childhood trauma for example, therapist will try to cirvcumvene talking about it as it my just trigger the next psychotic break and thus create more damage than healing.

 

[WeighAnchor]

Therapy helped to some extent early on. I gained a little more understanding for my mental issues, particularly in terms of understanding my anxiety. I also found it easier to talk to my therapist than to vent to friends or family, since they could listen in a different way. It also felt better to talk to someone who won't get really stressed out and alarmed by what I tell them, then try to do things I don't want them to do to help. I had sessions once a week or more for about 4-5 years, and a bit further apart a year before that. I didn't find that talking about how I'm doing really did anything though. I didn't feel better after a session with my therapist, nor did I feel worse. I mostly just felt like I'd expended time and energy in order to get ready for the appointment and go to it.

I've been in the mental hospital a few times, voluntarily and involuntarily. I went in voluntarily while I lived with my parents during periods where I was too depressed to properly take care of myself. I didn't want to be a burden on them, both in terms of having to take care of me and the extra stress from worrying about me. Purely for the sake of taking a load off my parents, it did work. Other than that, it did absolutely nothing. My situation didn't change whatsoever, I didn't get to talk to a therapist or psychiatrist barely at all, a few of the times they changed my meds but that also did nothing in the long run. I haven't gone back since I got my own place. I don't always take good care of myself now either, but at least I'm the only one who suffers any consequences from it. It doesn't really matter if I barely eat for several weeks at a time or rotate a pile of dishes in the kitchen, or whatever else used to affect my parents's day-to-day.

The way I see it, going to the mental hospital would only limit what I could do with my time now, besides the fact I haven't been on meds for 2½ years and it's likely they'd try to push it on me again. With how the laws are here, there's a fine line between being in a psych ward voluntarily or involuntarily. It's basically up to their discretion what needs to be done, and I don't like the sound of that. During my stays there, I generally did what they asked, and they'd sometimes make exceptions for me. Thus, I never had any problems. However, I've also seen how they treat the ones who say "no", and if I went back, there's no guarantee I can leave whenever I like.

 

[SexyIncél]

I find the word "therapy" almost meaningless, because it's not specific enough for most ends. Different problems need different therapies, even obscure ones. And different practitioners

And therapy/meds are very limited if your problems must primarily be solved on the social level

 

[cherry7]

I spent 48 days in a psych hospital when I was younger. It was fun not going to school and raising hell with the other patients.

I've talked with therapists as part of diversion programs or whatever they're called, but they'd always realize that I wasn't "crazy" so we'd end up talking about random stuff not related to my issues.

We'd just shoot the breeze and they'd eventually express a similar sentiment: I don't think you belong here.

I'm not broken in the traditional sense, so there's nothing to be fixed.

Edit: this was 25 - 30 years ago, so standards were different. Today you can't even say the word suicide in certain forums or arenas without someone calling in the white coats. Things weren't like that back then. There was less concern about "liability" and lawsuits.

Curious what's making you feel like ending your life if you don't feel "broken"?

 

[SamTam33]

Curious what's making you feel like ending your life if you don't feel "broken"?

Ok... but remember you asked

I. Loathe. Life. It doesn't mesh with my personality type.

I don't like 'life rules.' I don't like needing other people (no matter what you do, you ALWAYS need a collaborator; someone to assist you).

E.g., you want to buy a car? You need someone to make it. Then you need someone to sell it to you. You need someone to finance it and you need someone to sell you a part when it breaks down.

Everything in that sequence is ripe for you to be taken advantage of. Everything. Starting with the manufacturers and their shit products. Something always faulty. Something being recalled.

That's all life (and death) is: scenario after scenario of needing something and someone to help you achieve it. And how many people are genuinely down to help? They're too busy trying to fulfill their own needs.

Someone over-charging you for a repair is only focused on increasing their bottom line. Fuck yours. Your needs will never trump theirs.

Just standing in line and listening to someone else's demonic spawn having a tantrum. It tortures me in my core lol.

Sitting on a plane and having the person behind you kick your seat.

Your neighbor's son waking you up as he blasts his music coming up the street.

I hate everything about existing with other people.

I hate that I didn't get to pick my physical features or my innate personality traits.

If I did, I'd be far less critical and sensitive to other people. I'd be able to go with the flow instead of violently (and uselessly) swimming against it.

I hate the childhood I was forced to live. And remember.

I hate that I can't control how others view me.

The lack of control eats away at me.

There are so few things we actually control. We can't even control what we eat.

If your body is allergic to nuts - you can't do a damn thing about it.

You don't control where you live. Your salary, in part, controls that. And who controls your salary? Your employer. You didn't choose your employer - your employer chose you.

I could go on for infinity describing our critical needs as humans and how we have very little control over meeting them.

Everything about life is one big, un-fun, fucking CHORE.

So yeah. Not broken in the traditional sense (at least I don't think). Just far too aware of what life actually is and how it's beneficial to hardly anyone.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

11 months of therapy to vent about my dysphoria. As I predicted, nothing new was offered to me to make me want to cope. and the venting was redundant.

 

[snailboy]

I've been seeing my current therapist for over a year with a break in between for several months. She briefly switched to a job that focused more on young abuse victims which i didn't fit into and dropped me as a client. even though i knew that wasn't personal it really stung and i went that period of my life with essentially no help. i tried a few other therapists but didn't "click" with any of them.

now i'm back seeing her again and it's nice, but having to work through the discomfort and build up a relationship again is draining. I am really trying to get better, but this year has just been rougher than i ever could have imagined.

im also on Zoloft and have been for a couple years i think? i was up to 200mg at one point but it made me feel so numb i asked to decrease my dose down to 150mg. it definitely helps, but more so my anxiety than my depression. i used to have daily panic attacks and meltdowns so being able to have semi-stress free days has been beneficial.

 

[cherry7]

Ok... but remember you asked

I. Loathe. Life. It doesn't mesh with my personality type.

I don't like 'life rules.' I don't like needing other people (no matter what you do, you ALWAYS need a collaborator; someone to assist you).

E.g., you want to buy a car? You need someone to make it. Then you need someone to sell it to you. You need someone to finance it and you need someone to sell you a part when it breaks down.

Everything in that sequence is ripe for you to be taken advantage of. Everything. Starting with the manufacturers and their shit products. Something always faulty. Something being recalled.

That's all life (and death) is: scenario after scenario of needing something and someone to help you achieve it. And how many people are genuinely down to help? They're too busy trying to fulfill their own needs.

Someone over-charging you for a repair is only focused on increasing their bottom line. Fuck yours. Your needs will never trump theirs.

Just standing in line and listening to someone else's demonic spawn having a tantrum. It tortures me in my core lol.

Sitting on a plane and having the person behind you kick your seat.

Your neighbor's son waking you up as he blasts his music coming up the street.

I hate everything about existing with other people.

I hate that I didn't get to pick my physical features or my innate personality traits.

If I did, I'd be far less critical and sensitive to other people. I'd be able to go with the flow instead of violently (and uselessly) swimming against it.

I hate the childhood I was forced to live. And remember.

I hate that I can't control how others view me.

The lack of control eats away at me.

There are so few things we actually control. We can't even control what we eat.

If your body is allergic to nuts - you can't do a damn thing about it.

You don't control where you live. Your salary, in part, controls that. And who controls your salary? Your employer. You didn't choose your employer - your employer chose you.

I could go on for infinity describing our critical needs as humans and how we have very little control over meeting them.

Everything about life is one big, un-fun, fucking CHORE.

So yeah. Not broken in the traditional sense (at least I don't think). Just far too aware of what life actually is and how it's beneficial to hardly anyone.

Ah I see. Thanks for explaining. What would it mean then to be broken in the traditional sense?

 

[SamTam33]

Ah I see. Thanks for explaining. What would it mean then to be broken in the traditional sense?

One example would be having a triggering event or condition that leads to wanting to ctb.

So many people are physically and/or mentally broken due to maladies of the mind and body. Chronic conditions like schizophrenia or cancer. Events that forever affect your psyche and physical well-being like sexual assault or perpetual physical abuse.

I can't point to a single event- that if it hadn't happened - I might be okay.

I've had severely traumatic events occur, but I can't honestly point to those things as the SOURCE of my state-of-mind.

They were just byproducts of existing. Existence, in and of itself, is the culprit.

Maybe if they hadn't occurred, I'd be compelled to hang on longer. But trauma or not - I have always wanted to die.

I first attempted suicide at age 7. I have always known who I was: someone who didn't want to be born.

It's why therapy and medications don't have an ice cube's chance in hell of working on me. There is nothing for the medication to target.

No amount of weekly chats with a stranger is going to rectify my problems with existing.

Once you see something for what it really is (e.g. life) - you can't unsee it. You can't trick yourself into believing what's harmful is actually beneficial.

You can only remove yourself from the situation.