Venting PMDD

[airguitar]

It's here again. That storm. That fucking storm. It doesn't knock. It doesn't care if you're already drowning. It just rolls in, black and suffocating, and laughs as it drags you under. I know its name: PMDD. Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. A clinical term for a chaos that feels anything but clinical.

I'm already suicidal. I'm already holding the pieces of myself together with trembling hands, trying to remember what it felt like to be whole. But PMDD doesn't care about your brokenness. No, it comes like a thief stealing whatever scraps of sanity you have left and leaves you with nothing but the urge to kill yourself.

I have a plan. SN. I've researched it. But when PMDD hits, all that logic goes out the window. The plan doesn't matter. The research doesn't matter. All that matters is the overwhelming, suffocating pain, and the desperate need to make it stop. Right here, right now.

I don't care about the plan anymore. I don't care about the SN I haven't even bought yet. I don't care about anything except killing myself with whatever method, even the stupid one. I don't care about the risk of messing up, of ending up a vegetable, of someone finding me mid-attempt and "saving" me.

I hate that I have to live with it. That I have to endure it, over and over and over again like some cruel, endless loop.

Please keep me sane...

 

[timf]

If you have to deal with a periodic flood of chemicals into your body, you might be able to counter with chemicals of your own. I imagine you have already experimented with various supplements, but if you haven't here is a link to a NIH summary of studies.

Dietary supplements and herbal remedies for premenstrual syndrome (PMS): a systematic research review of the evidence for their efficacy - Database of Abstracts of Reviews of Effects (DARE): Quality-assessed Reviews - NCBI Bookshelf

Government studies can be boring, lengthy, and filled with arcane language, but it is still possible to pull out an item or two to investigate.

It took me several years for me to discover Glocosamine and Chondrotin for my knee pain. Since it doesn't work for everyone, it is seldom cited as a treatment.

An intensely negative event can sometime push one into a survival mode and in flailing about we might discover something helpful.

If there are forums or discussion groups, you might find someone who has discovered something therapeutically useful.