NSFW pls help, what do i do.

[2pillbottles]

TW mentions of sa, sh, other things
(i think its sa atleast?)
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some info:
been dating sense late augest of 2023
our relationship moved quite fast due to being in an almost "f-w-b" situation months prior and also being friends for around a year before that, but i realized only a little ways into dating i really didnt want so much happening and i want the relationship to move slowler, he has repeatedly now -even when i have refused- touched, groped, and done things to me in mutiple manners, along with some other things, ive tried explaining EVERYTHING to him and no, he has not changed, infact hes done it 2 more times afterwards, every apology consisting of trying and saying he doesnt know why he did it.

awhile back around 3 months into dating my bf he unconsensually groped me in the car before his friends came back from in the gas station.
it was really awkward. he asked to touch me.
this wasnt the first time he had done something or asked for something even after i had told him to stop asking those questions, so i responded just "no", he said ok and it was all fine, but almost like 2 minutes later, he notices his friends at the checkout through the glass and quickly just grabs me and shoves his hand inbetween my thighs and pelvic area.
i was pshycially pulling away and after it was silent and his friends then got in the car and i js acted like it didnt happen.
that day while he was at work i texted him ab it and he cried on call over how horrible he was and i just sat in silence.
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mutiple times he has grabbed my boobs after saying no prior or without any consent prior.
.
one time i was laying infront of him (in bed, spooning kinda) just on my phone, i had shorts on and he literally took his dick out and was like rubbing it on the back of my thighs, i stayed still and acted like i didnt notice.
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hes like dry humped me mutiple times no consent, weird. ive even told him not to do that bc its weird like stop??
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he one time asked me to give him head, around 6-7 months in maybe idk, i said no thanks and he grabbed me by my hair and tried to convince me, i kept saying no and at some point he literally pinched the fuck outta my arm and thats when i elbowed him and he was like "what??" and afterwards he acted like he was so sorry for doing that???
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(very recent)
one time i refused an attempt to touch me and he got upset for awhile after, and so did i, so i started being bitchy and he asked to kiss me like 10 mins later (?? like is he oblivious??) i told him "no are you a fucking child?" and he said "what did i do!??" and was extremely upset that entire night, i called him a child, pathetic, and a selfish bitch that same night and i really regret it because he seemed very hurt, but he was being very rude back to me too.
...
i dont know my medical diagnosis, currently i have autisim and MDD, but i believe i dont actually have mdd and i have something else, ive strugged with extreme self harm, self hatred, body dysmorphia, eating disorders of like every kind, very impulsive decisions made alot of the time, i am a very violent person (usually towards myself) but i also when upset make very rude comments towards other people, ive made mutiple suicide attempts in the past, some being just to get help because my family refuses to listen, age regression, obsession, and i am extremely scared of leaving people which leads into my question, i cant fucking leave. if i leave my bf im going to kill myself, but hes so horrible, i honestly hate even seeing him but i pshycially cannot let go of him. it feels like im literally gutted and ripped to shreds, what the fuck do i even do, do i just ctb now??

 

[Unspoken7612]

I'm not sure what help you need.

You are being sexually assaulted. He is ignoring your clear lack of consent, not to mention not seeking consent at other times. His behaviour is despicable and shouldn't be tolerated. He is also showing that he is happy to physically abuse you and, in my view, is probably engaging in emotional manipulation and other subtler forms of abuse. I'm sorry that those things are happening to you and it is completely understandable that they have left you in pain.

I think you almost certainly have options other than "stay with him" and "kill yourself", even if it doesn't feel like it. I think you should pursue those options. Leave him and build a life without him. Yes, it will hurt, but you have made it through a lot of challenges before and you can make it through this one too. Do you want to die (whether by CTB or otherwise) because of a violent man?

I will acknowledge that "love" is a powerful force that sometimes makes it hard to do the right thing. Despite knowing this man's flaws, you still seem to love him, and that is not your fault. But it does seem like you need to leave him. Things are not going to get better. He will make promises but he will break them.

 

[wren-briar]

From what you're describing, he's a manipulate and abusive individual. My personal advice is to simply and completely dump him.

I'd also very strongly encourage you to seek local resources for people in abusive relationships. If you're in the States you might be able to find help here - https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/domestic-violence-local-resources/ but hopefully this, at the very least, gives you an idea of what resources might be available and how you might find some in your area

 

[2pillbottles]

I'm not sure what help you need.

You are being sexually assaulted. He is ignoring your clear lack of consent, not to mention not seeking consent at other times. His behaviour is despicable and shouldn't be tolerated. He is also showing that he is happy to physically abuse you and, in my view, is probably engaging in emotional manipulation and other subtler forms of abuse. I'm sorry that those things are happening to you and it is completely understandable that they have left you in pain.

I think you almost certainly have options other than "stay with him" and "kill yourself", even if it doesn't feel like it. I think you should pursue those options. Leave him and build a life without him. Yes, it will hurt, but you have made it through a lot of challenges before and you can make it through this one too. Do you want to die (whether by CTB or otherwise) because of a violent man?

I will acknowledge that "love" is a powerful force that sometimes makes it hard to do the right thing. Despite knowing this man's flaws, you still seem to love him, and that is not your fault. But it does seem like you need to leave him. Things are not going to get better. He will make promises but he will break them.

i know id be ok if i left, but ill have no one left and i feel like that will lead me to go ahead and ctb, and i try to obviously avoid that, but over the months i seem to be more and more coming to terms with it

 

[heyhoherewego]

i cant really offer you much in terms of advice, but that sounds pretty terrible and i hope it gets better for you

what the fuck do i even do, do i just ctb now??

if you feel like you will kys if you leave him, and you will kys if you stay, wouldnt that just cancel out? id look for an alternative solution than one that seems to be equally bad either way. id say your chances of turning your life around or being fulfilled in life would certainly be higher if you didnt have some immature asshole bringing you down all the time. idk but i think suicide doesnt seem to be the best option here, according to your own statements.

 

[wren-briar]

ill have no one left

You'll have (a) you and your sanity left, (b) (mostly) fleeting online friends, (c) the opportunity to make IRL friends, and (d) the opportunity to actually date guys who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.

Like I suggested before, seek local resources for people in abusive relationships. One goal of that suggestion is have safe places to seek refuge, but another -and particularly relevant to your concern about being alone- is to find other IRL people who you can get support from and develop friendships with.

 

[2pillbottles]

You'll have (a) you and your sanity left, (b) (mostly) fleeting online friends, (c) the opportunity to make IRL friends, and (d) the opportunity to actually date guys who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.

Like I suggested before, seek local resources for people in abusive relationships. One goal of that suggestion is have safe places to seek refuge, but another -and particularly relevant to your concern about being alone- is to find other IRL people who you can get support from and develop friendships with.

thank you, i really need to try and find more friends, but i really dislike going out in public due to social anxiety

 

[Adûnâi]

Incels would say that there are trillions of nice guys dying without handholding, meanwhile guys who grope and touch without consent in a yucky manner are considered fine and not creepy. Because the world lacks justice as a concept.

Why would you ever reward him with your attention, that's what I'm trying to say, if you can get any desperate virgin who would respect and treasure you instead?

 

[wren-briar]

really dislike going out in public due to social anxiety

For me, it's more that I'm in introvert. (Or maybe that's just the old fashioned version of "social anxiety". NGL, being around people IRL who I don't know certainly causes me anxiety and is draining AF! Frankly, even when I know people and love them to death, it often still causes me anxiety and is draining AF!)

That said, I learned over the decades to force myself into small group interactions. Often times, this led to friendships and almost always led to supportive groups.

The big caveat, with forcing myself into small group interactions, was also giving myself the option to politely leave if it was making my stress levels go up too much. (Quick tip: bathroom stalls are often a great place to " hide", find a few minutes of solitude, and to mentally "regroup". I also have CPTSD, and bathrooms became my escape rooms when I was particularly triggered in a public area. )

 

[2pillbottles]

Incels would say that there are trillions of nice guys dying without handholding, meanwhile guys who grope and touch without consent in a yucky manner are considered fine and not creepy. Because the world lacks justice as a concept.

Why would you ever reward him with your attention, that's what I'm trying to say, if you can get any desperate virgin who would respect and treasure you instead?

he used to be like a desperate virgin lmfao, apprentally he got too comfortable

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Incels would say that there are trillions of nice guys dying without handholding, meanwhile guys who grope and touch without consent in a yucky manner are considered fine and not creepy. Because the world lacks justice as a concept.

Why would you ever reward him with your attention, that's what I'm trying to say, if you can get any desperate virgin who would respect and treasure you instead?

Dude, fuck off with your victim-blaming nonsense. It shouldn't be on them to keep their bf from committing SA. The minute they make their boundaries clear he should stop what he's doing and he shouldn't ever be touching her inappropriately when she isn't in a state where she can consent. It's that simple. He is a grown man who should know better.

@2pillbottles please just break up with him. This behaviour will only get worse over time, not better. It's clear that he doesn't see you as a person but rather as just a sexual object he can use for his own pleasure. His behaviour is likely only going to escalate from so it's better to try and break things off with him before things potentially get worse.

 

[2pillbottles]

Dude, fuck off with your victim-blaming nonsense. It shouldn't be on them to keep their bf from committing SA. The minute they make their boundaries clear he should stop what he's doing and he shouldn't ever be touching her inappropriately when she isn't in a state where she can consent. It's that simple. He is a grown man who should know better.

@2pillbottles please just break up with him. This behaviour will only get worse over time, not better. It's clear that he doesn't see you as a person but rather as just a sexual object he can use for his own pleasure. His behaviour is likely only going to escalate from so it's better to try and break things off with him before things potentially get worse.

thank you, i thought that dudes response was weird but i js ignored it, and youre right, he definitely does only view me as a sexual object, which ig can be more apparnt considering atleast once every time we hangout he ignores me and does something anyways