Please read this.

[Sleeper System]

The reality of my situation is hitting me pretty hard.
I can't control the tears.

I doesn't feel like I'm venting here anymore.
It really feels like I'm making the last posts of my life.
I always believed that you should try your best to communicate with everyone you care about before ctbing. and to not do so was incredibly selfish and unkind.
But now as I get closer to what feels like the end...
it's all just too much. I feel like I owe so many people an explanation. And my imagination keeps creating this plague effect of how my actions will ripple through everyone who ever knew me. I no longer think anything I say will make it easier. I judged too harshly the people who leave without ever saying a word and for that I'm so fucking sorry. I didn't get it until now.

I'm at the planning stages of these final moments and I never noticed how much clutter I have accumulated in my life. Dealing with getting rid of stuff feels so draining. I think I want to just book a flight and leave. I want to go to Thailand.
I think I have an idea of how I will end my life. It will be by gun to the head.

I will not worry about it not working.
I will not consider statistics.
I will just do it. With tears streaming down my face and a resolve to never wake up again.

I always feared pain and like many of you I've sought ways to go in peace. but if im going to do this. REALLY do this. Then I have no right to want it not to hurt. I'll just have to deal with the pain for as long as it takes and die that way. If there is any controlling force in existence, I hope it can show me mercy and let it be quick.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Then I have no right to want it not to hurt.

I entirely disagree with this statement. You have ABSOLUTELY every right to have a pain-free, peaceful exit, if that is what you chose. I'd certainly wait, at least until after the meeting.

 

[Sleeper System]

I entirely disagree with this statement. You have ABSOLUTELY every right to have a pain-free, peaceful exit, if that is what you chose. I'd certainly wait, at least until after the meeting.

That's what I have always thought. But the closer I get to ctbing the more I believe that a price has to be paid for doing this. I want it not to hurt because I'm trying to spare myself discomfort. I know I didn't ask to be a part of this world and I have no blame in that sense but part of me believes in a balance and that is why I think it can't be without cost. Everything has price.

I will wait until after the meeting. If it doesn't go in my favor then I will have to act and start the process for ctb.

 

[iamnotalive]

That's what I have always thought. But the closer I get to ctbing the more I believe that a price has to be paid for doing this. I want it not to hurt because I'm trying to spare myself discomfort. I know I didn't ask to be a part of this world and I have no blame in that sense but part of me believes in a balance and that is why I think it can't be without cost. Everything has price.

I will wait until after the meeting. If it doesn't go in my favor then I will have to act and start the process for ctb.

I know this may me out of place, but you do not deserve the pain of dying, and I'm sorry your going through stuff. I know a lot of people have probably told you it will get better, but I don't know you and I cannot tell you that, but what I can tell you is that killing yourself will not end your pain I promise you that. I hope you have a peaceful life and I hope you decide not to go through with this because it is not worth it.

 

[Sleeper System]

I know this may me out of place, but you do not deserve the pain of dying, and I'm sorry your going through stuff. I know a lot of people have probably told you it will get better, but I don't know you and I cannot tell you that, but what I can tell you is that killing yourself will not end your pain I promise you that. I hope you have a peaceful life and I hope you decide not to go through with this because it is not worth it.

I appreciate the advice. Do you remember what it was like before you were born? No one does. I think that's what death is. I think it will end my pain in a way where I no longer remember what it means to have existed. I'm not religious and I don't believe in an after-life. I think i will be worth it.

 

[iamnotalive]

I appreciate the advice. Do you remember what it was like before you were born? No one does. I think that's what death is. I think it will end my pain in a way where I no longer remember what it means to have existed. I'm not religious and I don't believe in an after-life. I think i will be worth it.

You don't have to be religious, but like you said, death is unknown, no one who's died can tell the story of what it's actually like. I can guarantee to you that it isn't worth it. No matter what emotional pain, trauma, or things you've experienced or felt, it can be helped. Killing yourself is not the answer. Even if you are alone right now in life, there can be a day where you are happy, you have your entire life ahead of you. There are therapists and psychiatrists that really can help your mental state. Listen, I'm here for the same reason as you, but I still have a little hope that things can improve. This doesn't have to be the end of your story, and you may feel alone or like it's worth it, but you can really have a happy life you don't have to just not exist

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

I will not worry about it not working.
I will not consider statistics.
I will just do it. With tears streaming down my face and a resolve to never wake up again.

this is how most suicides take place. alone and probably without considering detailed plans of action. about 200 or so people, just in the US, kill themselves everyday. most aren't posting about it on groups like this. globally it's thousands an thousands I would imagine. it's tragic, an isolating experience for most if not all of us.

 

[babouflo201223]

I know this may me out of place, but you do not deserve the pain of dying, and I'm sorry your going through stuff. I know a lot of people have probably told you it will get better, but I don't know you and I cannot tell you that, but what I can tell you is that killing yourself will not end your pain I promise you that. I hope you have a peaceful life and I hope you decide not to go through with this because it is not worth it.

A question. You wrote "killing yourself will not end your pain I promise you that". How can you promise that ???

 

[iamnotalive]

A question. You wrote "killing yourself will not end your pain I promise you that". How can you promise that ???

Because I know it won't. It just passes your own pain to other people.

 

[LigottiIsRight]

Because I know it won't. It just passes your own pain to other people.

Dude, this is just the usual preventionist bullshit we've heard a thousand times. It's empty and tasteless.

 

[Unspoken7612]

That was really tough to read. It's obvious you really care about the people around you, but that you're also in a lot of pain.

I'm not sure the "shoot myself" plan is entirely compatible with the "do it in Thailand" plan, although you probably know better than me.

I don't think you should be too worried about short-term pain between committing the fatal act and actually dying. You should be slightly more concerned about long/medium-term disability if you do it wrong.

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

Because I know it won't. It just passes your own pain to other people.

People don't need to live under any circumstances they can't. The pain and damage some of us have is beyond the comprehension of other people. We don't have to live in hell and ruin as to not bother others. And we certainly don't need to put up with attempted guilt trips about what we have to do. People will get over loss of others in their mostly normal existences and minds, that's how life works, but a lot of us won't ever get over/recover from what's causing us to take our lives.

 

[divinemistress36]

Because I know it won't. It just passes your own pain to other people.

Well what about our pain?

People don't need to live under any circumstances they can't. The pain and damage some of us have is beyond the comprehension of other people. We don't have to live in hell and ruin as to not bother others. And we certainly don't need to put up with attempted guilt trips about what we have to do. People will get over loss of others in their mostly normal existences and minds, that's how life works, but a lot of us won't ever get over/recover from what's causing us to take our lives.

This is so true I was thinking about this other day. Ya my parents will be sad but they will still be able to function where as I havent been able to function in years

People don't need to live under any circumstances they can't. The pain and damage some of us have is beyond the comprehension of other people. We don't have to live in hell and ruin as to not bother others. And we certainly don't need to put up with attempted guilt trips about what we have to do. People will get over loss of others in their mostly normal existences and minds, that's how life works, but a lot of us won't ever get over/recover from what's causing us to take our lives.

This is so true I was thinking about this other day. Ya my parents will be sad but they will still be able to function where as I havent been able to function in years

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

Hey, just wanted you to know that your post was read, and I feel your pain. I can relate that you just want to end things, abruptly, and that you are very hurt. I just hope you find the peace within you, over and above the method or the place you choose. I'm sorry for where you find yourself now and hope you may find a bit of time and calmness whilst on this path. Sending you love.

 

[babouflo201223]

Parce que je sais que ce ne sera pas le cas. Cela ne fait que transmettre ta propre douleur aux autres.

And believing that, you want to CTB anyway if I understand right ?

 

[babouflo201223]

Because I know it won't. It just passes your own pain to other people.

You "know". OK.
About passing my own pain to other people, I wonder what does it mean exactly. What other people ? I'm alone now. No kids. No friends.The only family I have : my old parents, and both the 2 are aware about my suicidal thoughts, they understand and approve because it's more pain for us to know I'm into strong sufferings again and again and again than to know I'm dead. It seems hard to say that, but it's true. If I CTB, it will be sad in a way for my parents of course, but it will be relief fot them too. No difference as if was suffering from a cancer and finally die, in fact.
I'm on antidepressants since 1993. Each time I tried to stop, step by step, it didn't work and was a true nightmare. Many and many different antidepressants were tried, but nothing is efficient now, it's just worst if I try to stop. I'm on benzodiazepins since 1993 too. Same problem, I'm stucked with that. At the moment and since more than a year, I have to take Bromazepam, 9mg a day (the higher dose "allowed" out off hospital). Efficient ? No. Maybe efficient to destroy my brain, yes.
I try to resist, I try to stay alive despite suicidal thoughts, I even try to make friends here with the hope to support each other, give comfort, help, etc. But no miracle, it seems it doesn't work. People are here about CTB, not about staying alive, and I understand that very well.

 

[Sleeper System]

I know this may me out of place, but you do not deserve the pain of dying, and I'm sorry your going through stuff. I know a lot of people have probably told you it will get better, but I don't know you and I cannot tell you that, but what I can tell you is that killing yourself will not end your pain I promise you that. I hope you have a peaceful life and I hope you decide not to go through with this because it is not worth it.

It WILL end my pain. Instantly. I won't be here to witness the repruccusions of my actions so anything that happens after won't be a concern for me. I know what you're trying to say but it has nothing to do with my own personal lived pain.

You "know". OK.
About passing my own pain to other people, I wonder what does it mean exactly. What other people ? I'm alone now. No kids. No friends.The only family I have : my old parents, and both the 2 are aware about my suicidal thoughts, they understand and approve because it's more pain for us to know I'm into strong sufferings again and again and again than to know I'm dead. It seems hard to say that, but it's true. If I CTB, it will be sad in a way for my parents of course, but it will be relief fot them too. No difference as if was suffering from a cancer and finally die, in fact.
I'm on antidepressants since 1993. Each time I tried to stop, step by step, it didn't work and was a true nightmare. Many and many different antidepressants were tried, but nothing is efficient now, it's just worst if I try to stop. I'm on benzodiazepins since 1993 too. Same problem, I'm stucked with that. At the moment and since more than a year, I have to take Bromazepam, 9mg a day (the higher dose "allowed" out off hospital). Efficient ? No. Maybe efficient to destroy my brain, yes.
I try to resist, I try to stay alive despite suicidal thoughts, I even try to make friends here with the hope to support each other, give comfort, help, etc. But no miracle, it seems it doesn't work. People are here about CTB, not about staying alive, and I understand that very well.

I was three years old just coming to America when you popped your first Benzo. It's disturbing to think about depression being a thing in every generation but it shouldn't be as surprising as I found it. How have you survived so long? Did your parents help by giving you a place to stay? Because I'm in the same situation accept i can't really relie on anyone to harbor me.