Help Please help me!

[StuckAF]

Hey guys,
So I have been thinking and planning to ctb for almost 10 months now and I never go thru with it. Sn didn't get delivered, rope I used to hang snaped.
Now I am not sure anymore if I should ctb, maybe my reasons aren't that .. let's say convincing or worth ctbing. Maybe I have made small problems into bigger ones??

i am not sure if I have social anxiety but I am not that crazy extroverted person nor the one who stays in the corner.

I am not sure if being a 19yo guy and being 165cm is the end of world??

i am not sure anymore if being gay is even that bad???

All of these ifs.... now how do I recover?? How do I put suicide past me?? Is there a way out?? I don't have any remarkable skills and talents other than being very good at academics...
I really don't want to die at all but I feel like it's better than being a loser.. how do I stop being a loser and escape suicide can someone give me actual real tips??

sorry if this feels unorganized because I didnt Plan it and wrote whatever I thought of.
Thanks for reading

 

[falloutcarter13]

I really don't want to die at all

This says it all. No, mate, you should definitely not be trying to off yourself when you feel this way. Explore other options. Many people (including me) here have pretty much tried and failed with therapy and meds, but they can't be totally useless for *everybody*. Get some therapy, and if you can't talk to friends and family, join a support community (online or off) that isn't centered around suicide. If you still feel hope for yourself, then there still could be hope. I wish you the best of luck bud...the best advice I can give is don't give up if you're not ready to give up.

 

[iDieUDie80]

Have you looked into mental health resources in your area? There are some fairly good programs out there, including intensive outpatient and residential.

 

[StuckAF]

Have you looked into mental health resources in your area? There are some fairly good programs out there, including intensive outpatient and residential.

I am not sure what exactly I should look for.

This says it all. No, mate, you should definitely not be trying to off yourself when you feel this way. Explore other options. Many people (including me) here have pretty much tried and failed with therapy and meds, but they can't be totally useless for *everybody*. Get some therapy, and if you can't talk to friends and family, join a support community (online or off) that isn't centered around suicide. If you still feel hope for yourself, then there still could be hope. I wish you the best of luck bud...the best advice I can give is don't give up if you're not ready to give up.

Ok thanks for your kind words man I will try my best again. Maybe the therapy I tried was trash

 

[falloutcarter13]

I am not sure what exactly I should look for.

Ok thanks for your kind words man I will try my best again. Maybe the therapy I tried was trash

Seriously, it might be as simple as finding people like you and feeling understood and accepted, especially in a setting where you're all aware of each other's issues and support each other. I don't have the answers, I doubt anybody but you could find them. But if you don't want to die, its not time to be giving up...and if you're not giving up, you might as well try =)

 

[Meditation guide]

I really don't want to die at all but I feel like it's better than being a loser

So you are a loser at 19. You don't have to stay one. You have lots of time to become a winner. And if you're gay then you're gay. Accept it and embrace it. Don't buy into this thing where you think it's bad because someone else thinks it is. Be open about who you are.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Maybe pursue an academic career?

 

[StuckAF]

Maybe pursue an academic career?

I am in uni right now and I think I have the brains but nothing else. I really wish I had something that I am passionate about other than league of legends but yeah nothing else... I lift since I was 16 with taking long random pauses and breaks cuz depression and I look athletic but I am still way too skinny. I want to start boxing or mma but I fear it's too late or I am gonna be embarrassing myself..

 

[esse_est_percipi]

I am not sure if being a 19yo guy and being 165cm is the end of world??

i am not sure anymore if being gay is even that bad???

No, these things are not bad at all.

You said you are very good at academics. You could put all you energy into studying something you're really interested in?

Also, who said you were a 'loser'? Have you had any experiences with bullying at school?

You are only 19, your brain hasn't even finished developing yet. I strongly suggest you do not ctb, but explore other options to find meaning for your life, and try to make connections with people who will accept you for who you are.

 

[StuckAF]

No, these things are not bad at all.

You said you are very good at academics. You could put all you energy into studying something you're really interested in?

Also, who said you were a 'loser'? Have you had any experiences with bullying at school?

You are only 19, your brain hasn't even finished developing yet. I strongly suggest you do not ctb, but explore other options to find meaning for your life, and try to make connections with people who will accept you for who you are.

I was verbally bullied a couple times.. not smth major. Was pushed once buy a bigger guy in 7th grade.. nothing else was boring and normal

 

[FrankieVallie]

Hey guys,
So I have been thinking and planning to ctb for almost 10 months now and I never go thru with it. Sn didn't get delivered, rope I used to hang snaped.
Now I am not sure anymore if I should ctb, maybe my reasons aren't that .. let's say convincing or worth ctbing. Maybe I have made small problems into bigger ones??

i am not sure if I have social anxiety but I am not that crazy extroverted person nor the one who stays in the corner.

I am not sure if being a 19yo guy and being 165cm is the end of world??

i am not sure anymore if being gay is even that bad???

All of these ifs.... now how do I recover?? How do I put suicide past me?? Is there a way out?? I don't have any remarkable skills and talents other than being very good at academics...
I really don't want to die at all but I feel like it's better than being a loser.. how do I stop being a loser and escape suicide can someone give me actual real tips??

sorry if this feels unorganized because I didnt Plan it and wrote whatever I thought of.
Thanks for reading

Don't think you're ready to go yet. But that's just my opinion of course. For me, I became confident in my decision once I had truly reached the end of the road. Suicide is not just some idea that pops into my head when I'm feeling real down. Instead, it's decision I came to after thinking and experiencing things for years. I am truly at peace with death; I'm not afraid to go anytime and I don't get upset or sad at all when I think about suicide. Once you get to that point, you might actually be ready to go. But it seems you have a lot of life left it you. Wake up, fight, and continue on! You've still got plenty of opportunities ahead of you.

 

[StuckAF]

Seriously, it might be as simple as finding people like you and feeling understood and accepted, especially in a setting where you're all aware of each other's issues and support each other. I don't have the answers, I doubt anybody but you could find them. But if you don't want to die, its not time to be giving up...and if you're not giving up, you might as well try =)

I think me believing being gay is a big deal caused me to become an introvert even tho I am not really I am in the middle and most of the time a little bit more extroverted especially when I am drunk... I feel like I didn't get enough support and I feared that I would lose friends... hopefully I can fix my life but I don't know

Don't think you're ready to go yet. But that's just my opinion of course. For me, I became confident in my decision once I had truly reached the end of the road. Suicide is not just some idea that pops into my head when I'm feeling real down. Instead, it's decision I came to after thinking and experiencing things for years. I am truly at peace with death; I'm not afraid to go anytime and I don't get upset or sad at all when I think about suicide. Once you get to that point, you might actually be ready to go. But it seems you have a lot of life left it you. Wake up, fight, and continue on! You've still got plenty of opportunities ahead of you.

I have been suicidal since 16 just on and off. Started planning beginning October 2019

 

[Nymph]

I guess talking to a understanding friend/family member/therapist or even someone from this forum could help. I think there's people who could relate to this. I hope you find some help and get better. You might feel like a loser but you can try and improve on the things that make you feel like a loser

 

[Meditation guide]

I want to start boxing or mma but I fear it's too late or I am gonna be embarrassing myself..

omg dude! Just go do it! It's fun. Nothing embarrassing about it. People start that in their 30s! You sound overly self conscious. Get out there and do more stuff and you will get over that.

 

[stationarymillennial]

i am not sure anymore if being gay is even that bad???

The worst part of being gay is other people abusing and bullying others for it. I have never really had to come out, per se, because i was always a raging queer. I have always been secure in my sexuality. I hope others would feel that security too, and just say "fuck you" to bullies. It gets WAAAAAY better with age, way, way better.

 

[I_love_to_bake]

Just my personal opinion... I think league of legends and any competetive video game is very bad for your health because those communities are so toxic and hateful. Normal people do not interact with eachother like they do on games like that.

I quit playing all online games a while back and I have felt much better since. And my social anxiety has gotten so much easier to handle.

Go live your life, man. You sound like a great dude who has a lot to offer. Dream big.

 

[iDieUDie80]

I am not sure what exactly I should look for.

Do you have a psychiatrist that could give you a referral? If you are feeling suicidal, you can call the hotline (suicide or mental health) and they may be able to provide you with local resources. You could walk into the ER, they can admit you into inpatient and from there they will setup a post-discharge treatment plan.

 

[StuckAF]

Just my personal opinion... I think league of legends and any competetive video game is very bad for your health because those communities are so toxic and hateful. Normal people do not interact with eachother like they do on games like that.

I quit playing all online games a while back and I have felt much better since. And my social anxiety has gotten so much easier to handle.

Go live your life, man. You sound like a great dude who has a lot to offer. Dream big.

Thanks!!!!!

 

[Meditation guide]

Dream big.

I agree and do not just dream big, DO big! Do stuff that seems like you can't do it. Take risks. Lose that fear. Fear is the enemy. If you think you can't do something and want to then go ahead with it.

I wish I had done ALL the things I let fear stop me from doing. If I had, I wouldn't be in the condition I'm in right now.

 

[StuckAF]

Do you have a psychiatrist that could give you a referral? If you are feeling suicidal, you can call the hotline (suicide or mental health) and they may be able to provide you with local resources. You could walk into the ER, they can admit you into inpatient and from there they will setup a post-discharge treatment plan.

Seems like this might affect my work in the future so I will just look for a therapist and not mention my suicidal ideation

I agree and do not just dream big, DO big! Do stuff that seems like you can't do it. Take risks. Lose that fear. Fear is the enemy. If you think you can't do something and want to then go ahead with it.

I wish I had done ALL the things I let fear stop me from doing. If I had, I wouldn't be in the condition I'm in right now.

Ok I will talk to a therapist then I will join a MMA club hopefully all goes as planned

 

[Lorntroubles]

Take a look at the Recovery section and post there. You may find better answers and those who are going through recovery to help with the ins and outs.

 

[iDieUDie80]

Seems like this might affect my work in the future so I will just look for a therapist and not mention my suicidal ideation

Bad idea. Be honest and upfront. It's not as bad as you think. A therapist is not going to do anything unless you are in imminent danger. I was afraid of getting help. I thought I could be punished for getting help or that getting help would violate my probation. Nothing bad happened and nothing happened against my will.

You and your mental health come before work.