nevermind84
Member
- Jul 5, 2024
- 5
I apologize in advance for any language errors. I don't speak English very fluently. I use Google Translator.
I'm 40. Actually, I turn 40 only in December. But I hope I don't live to see it. I have been physically disabled since birth. I have spina bifida. This means I'm paralyzed from the waist down. I'm not walking. I move in a wheelchair.
I've basically spent my entire life at home. In primary and secondary school I had individual teaching. This means that teachers came to my house for lessons. I did my studies online. This means that I learned from lectures received in electronic form. I only went to university for exams and final tests. I haven't worked since graduating in 2009. For various reasons. Mainly because I didn't look for a job at all due to lack of faith in my strength.
My parents never cared about my independence and socialization. They explained everything by saying that I was sick and couldn't cope with anything. I have to be careful about everything, so it's best if I stay at home. In the early years of my life I rebelled against it, but eventually I believed in it myself. In real life, I only had one friend with whom I lost contact when he went away to college. After that, my entire social life took place on the Internet. I have established several relationships this way that have lasted for several years, but they are limited only to the Internet. We've never met in person. I have such severe social anxiety that I don't even talk to these people on the phone. I prefer writing. As you may have guessed, this is not enough for normal people.
As long as everything was OK with my parents, despite having suicidal thoughts for over 20 years, I never decided to commit suicide. Even though my life seemed meaningless to me, I lived out of pure curiosity about what the new day would bring. Although I had known for several years that when the situation became hopeless, I would take my own life.
4 years ago my father was diagnosed with malignant cancer. He has already had two surgeries. This will most likely not end well, because the cancer becomes more malignant every year. I never had a good relationship with my father. He was never interested in me. He didn't help my mother take care of me. He believed that it was enough to earn money. You could say we are strangers to each other. We only talk out of necessity.
It's different with my mother. She takes care of me throughout my life, despite many difficulties. Although many of her decisions regarding me have ruined my life, I have a strong bond with her. Unfortunately, for about a year he has been suffering from increasingly severe symptoms of dementia. I have tears in my eyes as I see him remember less and less, even from a moment ago. How he becomes less and less aware of reality. It scares me even more because for 8 years my mother took care of her mother, who also had dementia. In the last years of her life, my grandmother was in such a bad condition that every day was full of my mother crying and screaming. And nights full of fear of what the new day will bring. It was just after I finished my studies. I had many plans that I wanted to implement. Unfortunately, events at home completely blocked me mentally. Now I'm terrified of it happening again.
I don't have anyone around to help me. I'm afraid that I will end up having to rely on my increasingly ill father, who becomes more and more nervous and aggressive as the disease progresses. I don't want it. I would like to die already so as not to see all that will happen.
I'm wondering about the method. For years I have had a plastic garbage bag, two rubber bands and handcuffs ready in a drawer. You know what purpose. The inert gas method is out of the question because I won't order a large cylinder without suspicion. I also don't have a doctor who can give me sedatives. This will be very painful. But I console myself with the thought that it will be shorter than the possible months or years with sick and suffering parents.
The SN method is also out of the question. Because although I can legally obtain SN via the Internet, there will be a big problem with other drugs needed in the entire procedure. Is vomiting even so likely that these medications are necessary? Has anyone heard of suicide by intravenous injection of SN? Could this work? What would the dose have to be?
It must be a quick and noise-free method. Because parents sleep behind the wall. I have to do it at night so that I'm dead by morning.
What else can you recommend? My options are limited because I can't leave the house on my own. I have to do everything online. In a discreet way so as not to arouse suspicion.
I'm 40. Actually, I turn 40 only in December. But I hope I don't live to see it. I have been physically disabled since birth. I have spina bifida. This means I'm paralyzed from the waist down. I'm not walking. I move in a wheelchair.
I've basically spent my entire life at home. In primary and secondary school I had individual teaching. This means that teachers came to my house for lessons. I did my studies online. This means that I learned from lectures received in electronic form. I only went to university for exams and final tests. I haven't worked since graduating in 2009. For various reasons. Mainly because I didn't look for a job at all due to lack of faith in my strength.
My parents never cared about my independence and socialization. They explained everything by saying that I was sick and couldn't cope with anything. I have to be careful about everything, so it's best if I stay at home. In the early years of my life I rebelled against it, but eventually I believed in it myself. In real life, I only had one friend with whom I lost contact when he went away to college. After that, my entire social life took place on the Internet. I have established several relationships this way that have lasted for several years, but they are limited only to the Internet. We've never met in person. I have such severe social anxiety that I don't even talk to these people on the phone. I prefer writing. As you may have guessed, this is not enough for normal people.
As long as everything was OK with my parents, despite having suicidal thoughts for over 20 years, I never decided to commit suicide. Even though my life seemed meaningless to me, I lived out of pure curiosity about what the new day would bring. Although I had known for several years that when the situation became hopeless, I would take my own life.
4 years ago my father was diagnosed with malignant cancer. He has already had two surgeries. This will most likely not end well, because the cancer becomes more malignant every year. I never had a good relationship with my father. He was never interested in me. He didn't help my mother take care of me. He believed that it was enough to earn money. You could say we are strangers to each other. We only talk out of necessity.
It's different with my mother. She takes care of me throughout my life, despite many difficulties. Although many of her decisions regarding me have ruined my life, I have a strong bond with her. Unfortunately, for about a year he has been suffering from increasingly severe symptoms of dementia. I have tears in my eyes as I see him remember less and less, even from a moment ago. How he becomes less and less aware of reality. It scares me even more because for 8 years my mother took care of her mother, who also had dementia. In the last years of her life, my grandmother was in such a bad condition that every day was full of my mother crying and screaming. And nights full of fear of what the new day will bring. It was just after I finished my studies. I had many plans that I wanted to implement. Unfortunately, events at home completely blocked me mentally. Now I'm terrified of it happening again.
I don't have anyone around to help me. I'm afraid that I will end up having to rely on my increasingly ill father, who becomes more and more nervous and aggressive as the disease progresses. I don't want it. I would like to die already so as not to see all that will happen.
I'm wondering about the method. For years I have had a plastic garbage bag, two rubber bands and handcuffs ready in a drawer. You know what purpose. The inert gas method is out of the question because I won't order a large cylinder without suspicion. I also don't have a doctor who can give me sedatives. This will be very painful. But I console myself with the thought that it will be shorter than the possible months or years with sick and suffering parents.
The SN method is also out of the question. Because although I can legally obtain SN via the Internet, there will be a big problem with other drugs needed in the entire procedure. Is vomiting even so likely that these medications are necessary? Has anyone heard of suicide by intravenous injection of SN? Could this work? What would the dose have to be?
It must be a quick and noise-free method. Because parents sleep behind the wall. I have to do it at night so that I'm dead by morning.
What else can you recommend? My options are limited because I can't leave the house on my own. I have to do everything online. In a discreet way so as not to arouse suspicion.
On the other hand, I can't find information anywhere on how high the probability of vomiting is after drinking SN.
