Help Please help me feel peace.

[anopenwound]

I feel plagued by thoughts that keep me anchored here. All these things that pressure me into fighting, into trying to do my best even though I'm hurting in a way that's inexplicable. My mind is unbelievably cruel. It's telling me if I don't prove myself worthy I won't deserve to live. Flashes of happy memories, things I used to love make way before my eyes and I suppose it's the way my brain has to try and save me, but unfortunately that's much worse. I sense I should feel happiness thinking about those things, some kind of joy, relief, calm, anything. Instead there's this pang of pain that turns the love that was once there into repulsion. I'm repulsed by these supposedly happy thoughts. I want them to stop entering my mind.

I wanna concentrate on the only thing that is actually making me stop hurting - planning my exit. I wanna focus on the fact that when I'll cease to exist this suffering will end. I wanna think about how good it'll be to know that this time I won't wake up. Please, help me. Remind me what it is that I'm working towards. Remind me my suffering will soon end. Remind me I'll find peace. Please.