Please could someone talk to me?

[Larysa]

Hi, I think I am having some sort of breakdown. Not the first time, but I truly know there is no help now.

I have absolutely no one except for my elderly mum, who manages to make things so much worse. I have tried to get MH help for years, no success.

I bought my mum some flowers and just noticed she hadn't unwrapped them. I asked her why and she said she didn't need them so was trying to think of someone to give them to. Such a tiny thing but it hurt so much. I was just trying to do something nice.

I don't quite know how I got in this situation. What happens to people who are totally unwanted but also not able to cope alone?

I have no way to ctb at the moment. I keep reading on here, but everything seems so tricky and I am so scared of a failed attempt. I'm in the UK which doesn't sound like the easiest place to do it.

Thanks

 

[Kerrtu]

@Larysa - I may not be most preferable but I'm here, and you can message or chat me if you like. If not, no offense taken at all -

 

[Csmith8827]

What happens to people who are totally unwanted but also not able to cope alone?

I have no idea...I drink alot to try to just "checkout" on life kinda...

Such a tiny thing but it hurt so much. I was just trying to do something nice

Just know that your intent was good. It's the thought that counts, right? I hope you feel better...

 

[Larysa]

Thank you, @Kerrtu. I am so scared.

I used alcohol off and on to cope for years, @Csmith8827. I have liver damage now. If that was a way out I would take it, but I've read it is a slow and very painful way to go. I haven't drank for months until last week or so.

———
Just to say to anyone, I'm only comfortable chatting on here, not privately, but thank you.

 

[OnlyOwl]

Holy shit what A bitch. I personally would have given you a massive hug and a thank you. You please get back at her for me; instead ignore your narcissistic Mum; give 116 123, tell them how you feel - they might even give you some advice (even though they're not meant to) then give a look at https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/about-us/contact-us/contact-us/contact-us/ and ask about mental health, mention suicide and your drinking as well, crisis etc or 999 a call and mention suicide. breakdown, cry, mention suicide and hint for a crisis team in the uk in your area. Tell your doc you're in crisis and get help now. Lie if you have to. Tell the docs you're thinking of suicide (which is true) and see what happens. It can only get better right?

Sorry, I know it might not be right to offer or nudge you towards getting real help but it hurt to read that, how your mum reacted. That's some bullshit behavior i'd expect from a bully, not a mum.

You seem like a loving person and that was a heartwarming gesture it's a shame she could not appreciate it.

 

[carac]

I'm trying to remember something I heard listening to Gabor Mate talk about how we internalise things. How little things can really damage someone who has trauma. So for somebody else they might buy some flowers for their mum, see them unwrapped and just think "oh well" and not let it bother them at all. While a person dealing with trauma might constantly think of the implications and what they have done wrong and punish themselves.

Im in the UK too BTW, it's awful here, I'm in recovery now but would like to see a doctor and discuss somethings but it's pointless trying to get an appointment, I've given up trying to ask for help and I'm just helping myself

 

[Larysa]

Thanks, @OnlyOwl. She doesn't realise she's being hurtful. I have actually told her I'm suicidal in the past and she just says nothing and never mentions it again. My sister the same. It took so much to tell them as I never want to put anyone in that position, but the advice is always to ask for help isn't it

Thank you for your suggestions, but I wouldn't go near a crisis team. I've heard some people have good experiences but they've only ever told me to take a Valium and make a cup of tea. Loads of UK people find them actively harmful so I guess I got off lightly. I definitely don't want to go near a hospital. Did one night in a mental health unit years ago, it was terrifying. Anyway, they have no beds here now so even very young people who are actively suicidal don't get taken in. My GP are useless, said there is nothing they can refer me to.

It can actually get so much worse. That is the main thing I have learnt. But thank you.

———
Yes, I totally agree with that, @carac. I am very reactive. But this is so much part of a long term pattern with her.

I'm a nightmare at the moment, she shouldn't have to deal with me at her age. But I have no where else to go and she says she couldn't stay in the house without me. She loves her house so much.

 

[Kerrtu]

It is scary, and I am so sorry you're experiencing this feeling - I wish I could take it all away.

That was such a sweet gesture, to present your mother with flowers, and it hurts she seems to have waved them away, so to speak - dismissed them

You aren't dismissed here, I can tell you that.

 

[Larysa]

It really was just the tiniest thing, but so reflective of the dynamic between us.

A counsellor once suggested to me that my mum is ambivalent about my survival (after I described a medical situation when I was a child) and I was so shocked but.. yes.

People on here have to sneak in ctb supplies, but I truly think I could set up a gas rig in the sitting room and she'd just quietly close the door.

How are you, @Kerrtu?

 

[Kerrtu]

What happens to people who are totally unwanted but also not able to cope alone?

I can relate to these questions especially and it breaks my heart you're going through this.

It's hard to believe one is wanted when they're treated this way by someone who is supposed to be a parent, a source of love and encouragement. It's been stolen from you, but not lost - I'm sure there are many here (myself included) who would open their arms to you and appreciate who you are - a protector (I shouted you out in a thread somewhat recently, I appreciated your comments so much), a loving person, caring and thoughtful.

 

[carac]

———
Yes, I totally agree with that, @carac. I am very reactive. But this is so much part of a long term pattern with her.

I'm a nightmare at the moment, she shouldn't have to deal with me at her age. But I have no where else to go and she says she couldn't stay in the house without me. She loves her house so much.

First you need to stop blaming yourself. What is your relationship like with your mum? Or your sister, can you talk openly and deeply with each other. Maybe you have done this already but I think you need to do a bit exploring or digging, what went on in your childhood, when might you have suffered abuse or hurt. Why are you so damaged now, you need to get to the root, if you can open a door this can be a great first step to healing.

I'm assuming a bit here so apologies if I have overstepped anything

 

[Larysa]

Thank you, @Kerrtu

(I saw your shout out )

I just seem to have dropped through the cracks, and lost last couple of friendships. The loneliness is really physically painful at times.

It's really helping to talk to nice people.
——-

I kind of know what went wrong in my childhood, @carac but have not been able to find help with it .

My relationship with my mum has always been difficult. I don't speak to my sister anymore. She also simply ignored me when I told her I was suicidal.

I'm very aware that I'm not describing my behaviour here. I am becoming what I always worried I was, if that makes sense. I'm very angry.

 

[OnlyOwl]

You seem like a loving person and giving her some flowers was a heartwarming gesture it's a shame she could not appreciate it.

I'd give you a hug if I could

 

[carac]

I kind of know what went wrong in my childhood, @carac but have not been able to find help with it .

My relationship with my mum has always been difficult. I don't speak to my sister anymore. She also simply ignored me when I told her I was suicidal.

I'm very aware that I'm not describing my behaviour here. I am becoming what I always worried I was, if that makes sense. I'm very angry.

It's so sad the society with live in, nobody is there for each other, we need support we need friends we need community you can only get so much online. You sound like you are quite aware already of what the underlying problems are. I know it's hard and tiring but maybe you could try again to reach out for connections or friends around you, asking here shows you want to. Good luck with whatever you decide

 

[Larysa]

I just don't think I'm in any state to reach out to people, @carac. I am obviously coming across irl in a way that pushes people away, and I have very little insight into what is wrong there.

Thank you.

Im in the UK too BTW, it's awful here, I'm in recovery now but would like to see a doctor and discuss somethings but it's pointless trying to get an appointment, I've given up trying to ask for help and I'm just helping myself

Can I ask how you are helping yourself, @carac?

 

[Kerrtu]

It really was just the tiniest thing, but so reflective of the dynamic between us.

A counsellor once suggested to me that my mum is ambivalent about my survival (after I described a medical situation when I was a child) and I was so shocked but.. yes.

People on here have to sneak in ctb supplies, but I truly think I could set up a gas rig in the sitting room and she'd just quietly close the door.

How are you, @Kerrtu?

A small, beautiful gesture it was - I say keep those flowers for yourself, or share them with someone who would be truly surprised and grateful. I love to surprise people with gestures like that when I'm able - the lady who delivers my meds for example, she's become a real friend to me at this point and I gave her a card one day in appreciation (she's got a lot of deliveries to make and isn't very appreciated by her coworkers). She was so blown away, she said nobody had ever done anything like that.

Where I live, there is a historic cemetery just down the street. When I first moved in, I took a walk through and it was very peaceful and calming. The graves that have fallen into disarray, I always want to put flowers on them.

What you say regarding your mum being ambivalent about your survival as a child - that's absolutely something difficult to hear/know. And it's futile trying to find reasoning with a parent who is so dismissive.

Yet you care, because you have a beautiful heart and you did survive. I would want answers, as I was dismissed by my parents nearly my entire life. There was an analogy I heard which I'm going to butcher probably but I'll try:

A snake bites someone and releases their poison, and instead of running away and tending to the wound, the person tries to and wants to, needs to understand why they were bitten. The answer never comes, only more bites.

For a long time I tried to understand why, and it hurts. It very much does. What did I do? Why?

You didn't do anything to deserve that bite, and I understand the pain of trying to understand - make it make sense.

Please know you are loved here.

♡

P.S. I had to step out earlier and it was raining. I saw a particularly beautiful flower and stopped to take a picture of it. My sister and I live far apart but I take pictures of flowers when I go out and send them to her via text to let her know I love and appreciate her, since I'm not there to give her flowers myself.

From earlier:



My message to my sister:

Through rain and shine

Re: the gas set up - silver lining when one has an elderly parent If I didn't have a sense of humor I don't know what I'd do. I'm so glad you've got one, too.

P.P.S. I'm doing ok, and thank you for asking. I did break down twice in this past week but I'm coming out of it. Not easy.

 

[carac]

Can I ask how you are helping yourself, @carac?

It's fairly complicated but basically I had chronic pain for years, so debiltating it eventually led me to attempt ctb. By luck I discovered I had a condition known as TMS or mind body syndrome (its all rooted in anxiety and repressed emotions). Since then I have spent ages listening to other peoples stories, learning about my condition and doing the "work" which just refers to using all the tools to work at getting better and find what works for me, for example some people use journaling but it could something as simple as meditation or yoga.

Problem is, if you dont know what's wrong you can't help yourself, luckily I managed to find a whole group of people like me I never knew existed

 

[Larysa]

That's so good that you found genuine, targeted help, @carac.
——

What a beautiful post, @Kerrtu
The snake analogy is absolutely what I'm doing. There were long times at which I managed to have my own life with work etc, but now I simply don't have a life to run away to.
How lovely to do that for your sister.
—-

You're very kind to start helping people out when you have only just joined, @OnlyOwl

 

[nessun_nome]

Thank you, @Kerrtu. I am so scared.

I used alcohol off and on to cope for years, @Csmith8827. I have liver damage now. If that was a way out I would take it, but I've read it is a slow and very painful way to go. I haven't drank for months until last week or so.

———
Just to say to anyone, I'm only comfortable chatting on here, not privately, but thank you.

I'll chat if you wish.

 

[FalseRodent]

Since you're in the uk I've heard that the community mental health service and/or primary mental health service can offer free help. I think there's a waiting list which isn't ideal, but I thought I'd mention in case it's of any use to you at all

 

[Larysa]

I'll chat if you wish.

Thank you. It's midnight here so I'm pretty much asleep. How are you?

Since you're in the uk I've heard that the community mental health service and/or primary mental health service can offer free help. I think there's a waiting list which isn't ideal, but I thought I'd mention in case it's of any use to you at all

Thanks, it's been a nightmare to access and useless when you do get referred for me, but I'm sure some people have better experiences.

 

[Unattainable666]

Wrap those puppies up and send em my way, I never get flowers or anything else. I'd give you the biggest hug in the world.

 

[daydreamer52]

I'm here for you if you want to talk or vent, I would like to have someone to talk to as well, it's not your fault that your mom is such a bad person, don't blame yourself for that.

 

[BlazingBob]

Hi, I think I am having some sort of breakdown. Not the first time, but I truly know there is no help now.

I have absolutely no one except for my elderly mum, who manages to make things so much worse. I have tried to get MH help for years, no success.

I bought my mum some flowers and just noticed she hadn't unwrapped them. I asked her why and she said she didn't need them so was trying to think of someone to give them to. Such a tiny thing but it hurt so much. I was just trying to do something nice.

I don't quite know how I got in this situation. What happens to people who are totally unwanted but also not able to cope alone?

I have no way to ctb at the moment. I keep reading on here, but everything seems so tricky and I am so scared of a failed attempt. I'm in the UK which doesn't sound like the easiest place to do it.

Thanks

Years ago when I was a kid I saved up and bought my dad a really nice hat for his birthday. I gave it to him and he said it wasn't really his style and gave it to my grandpa right in front of me. I felt so deflated. I'm so sorry your mom did that with the flowers. You sound like a good hearted caring person and deserve so much better
I also feel like I'm having a breakdown. So much anxiety and despair. The disease I have and the drugs I have to take are killing me. The loneliness and isolation are physically painful. It feels like a bomb is constantly going off in my chest. Today it's unbearable.

 

[onlylovesdogs]

Hi, I think I am having some sort of breakdown. Not the first time, but I truly know there is no help now.

I have absolutely no one except for my elderly mum, who manages to make things so much worse. I have tried to get MH help for years, no success.

I bought my mum some flowers and just noticed she hadn't unwrapped them. I asked her why and she said she didn't need them so was trying to think of someone to give them to. Such a tiny thing but it hurt so much. I was just trying to do something nice.

I don't quite know how I got in this situation. What happens to people who are totally unwanted but also not able to cope alone?

I have no way to ctb at the moment. I keep reading on here, but everything seems so tricky and I am so scared of a failed attempt. I'm in the UK which doesn't sound like the easiest place to do it.

Thanks

I'm in the exact same position as you, except for I have an elderly and disabled dad. I'm all alone. Lost my partner of 14 years. Like others said, I drink way too much to cope.

I'm sorry you are going through this. But you are not alone. I would love for someone to give me flowers. That was so nice of you.

 

[Techef]

A counsellor once suggested to me that my mum is ambivalent about my survival (after I described a medical situation when I was a child) and I was so shocked but.. yes.

I'm sorry to hear that. My mother made it no secret she never wanted children, since she'd scream "I wish I never had you!" when she got extremely frustrated or angry when I was growing up. She only had children because of cultural pressure, and as insurance for when she got old. I had several counselors tell me to build relationships with mentors, but I never really found someone like that. Maybe if I found someone like that it would've helped, I don't know.

I just seem to have dropped through the cracks, and lost last couple of friendships.

This happened to me too, and I lost contact with my last friend about 3.5 years ago. My sibling stopped speaking to me because her counselor suggested we had co-dependence issues from growing up abused, and them speaking to me did more harm than good. This was about 2.5 years ago. Even some of the kindest people ended up drawing away from me due to compassion fatigue, since after a certain point my life didn't ever seem to get better and all they heard from me was negative stuff. I also have to admit, after losing a few relationships, I stopped seeking out contact and "out of sight, out of mind" happened. I wish I knew how to avoid these issues, but sadly I don't. I can only wish you well and hope you can figure things out, or that the people in your life somehow come through for you.

 

[front of me]

You can talk if you want

 

[MBG]

Psychologist Jordan Peterson has many worthwhile YouTube videos with practical advice on coping with anxiety and depression.

You should also look into recent research about how psychedelics, like magic mushrooms, can help with those conditions and even with treatment resistant depression. Start low and work up slow. Be safe & sane. Do NOT use a "god" or "heroic" dose. You're trying to improve your mental health, not fry your brain.

 

[endofafoxtwo]

YYou le

Hi, I think I am having some sort of breakdown. Not the first time, but I truly know there is no help now.

I have absolutely no one except for my elderly mum, who manages to make things so much worse. I have tried to get MH help for years, no success.

I bought my mum some flowers and just noticed she hadn't unwrapped them. I asked her why and she said she didn't need them so was trying to think of someone to give them to. Such a tiny thing but it hurt so much. I was just trying to do something nice.

I don't quite know how I got in this situation. What happens to people who are totally unwanted but also not able to cope alone?

I have no way to ctb at the moment. I keep reading on here, but everything seems so tricky and I am so scared of a failed attempt. I'm in the UK which doesn't sound like the easiest place to do it.

Thanks

you learn to cope. Its a longgggggg
process

 

[Larysa]

I'm here for you if you want to talk or vent, I would like to have someone to talk to as well, it's not your fault that your mom is such a bad person, don't blame yourself for that.

Thank you. She's not really a bad person. She had a lot of trauma in her childhood I think, and has never addressed it.

Years ago when I was a kid I saved up and bought my dad a really nice hat for his birthday. I gave it to him and he said it wasn't really his style and gave it to my grandpa right in front of me. I felt so deflated. I'm so sorry your mom did that with the flowers. You sound like a good hearted caring person and deserve so much better
I also feel like I'm having a breakdown. So much anxiety and despair. The disease I have and the drugs I have to take are killing me. The loneliness and isolation are physically painful. It feels like a bomb is constantly going off in my chest. Today it's unbearable.

That's a terrible thing to do to a kid.

I'm so sorry for your pain. I hope that may be today is a little less intense (but I realise that may be unrealistic).

I'm in the exact same position as you, except for I have an elderly and disabled dad. I'm all alone. Lost my partner of 14 years. Like others said, I drink way too much to cope.

I'm sorry you are going through this. But you are not alone. I would love for someone to give me flowers. That was so nice of you.

I'm sorry. It's hard isn't it?

Before this I cared for my dad. He was very difficult and alcoholic, but I am still so sad to have lost him. It's nearly three years, and no better.

I'm sorry to hear that. My mother made it no secret she never wanted children, since she'd scream "I wish I never had you!" when she got extremely frustrated or angry when I was growing up. She only had children because of cultural pressure, and as insurance for when she got old. I had several counselors tell me to build relationships with mentors, but I never really found someone like that. Maybe if I found someone like that it would've helped, I don't know.

This happened to me too, and I lost contact with my last friend about 3.5 years ago. My sibling stopped speaking to me because her counselor suggested we had co-dependence issues from growing up abused, and them speaking to me did more harm than good. This was about 2.5 years ago. Even some of the kindest people ended up drawing away from me due to compassion fatigue, since after a certain point my life didn't ever seem to get better and all they heard from me was negative stuff. I also have to admit, after losing a few relationships, I stopped seeking out contact and "out of sight, out of mind" happened. I wish I knew how to avoid these issues, but sadly I don't. I can only wish you well and hope you can figure things out, or that the people in your life somehow come through for you.

Thank you. That's is such a terrible thing to say to a child. I'm sorry.

I think issues with maintaining relationships is such a huge factor in all of this. I have given up for now.

Psychologist Jordan Peterson has many worthwhile YouTube videos with practical advice on coping with anxiety and depression.

You should also look into recent research about how psychedelics, like magic mushrooms, can help with those conditions and even with treatment resistant depression. Start low and work up slow. Be safe & sane. Do NOT use a "god" or "heroic" dose. You're trying to improve your mental health, not fry your brain.

Thanks, but JP is not someone who I would feel comfortable listening to due to his misogyny.

I have looked into psychodelics, but would only do them in a therapeutic environment. I've applied for clinical trials.

YYou le

you learn to cope. Its a longgggggg
process

I'm not remotely young. I've been trying for decades. I don't think it's likely unless I found some effective therapy or something.