Planning for 2/18/20 CTB

[BabyYoda]

So I tried "practicing" partial suspension. Am I doing it wrong if I find myself catching my breath? Like I'm depriving myself from air instead of pressing the carotoid artery? (It did hurt after tho)

I'm really scared not because of the act itself but the consequences if I survive. My mom would be flaming mad at me for doing such a thing. I don't want to be hospitalized for my attempt. Also, what the hell should I do with all the stuff in my laptop? I downloaded a bunch of NSFW games and uggggghhhhhh it's such a hassle buying more USBs. It's a good laptop with good specs for games/editing. I really HATE the fact that I need to CTB but it's the only way out. Unless...somebody is willing to be my best friend or significant other. Nothing else would work. Not even pills or therapy.

If I won't CTB then how the fuck am I supposed to live with this dragging pain? It affects my body EVERY SINGLE DAY and I feel it could get so bad that my veins pop and blood flows out of my skin. I can't just beg for love from anyone. Yes begging for food is valid but never love. WHY DO WE HAVE TO LIVE ON THIS STUPID SHIT. WHY CAN'T WE BE ROBOTS? I can't even handle heartbreak the proper way so why should I even live?

Fuck it. Fuck it all. I want to rip my hair out till nothing is left. Fuck especially Valentine's day and this stupid love lifestyle. I hate it. I HATE IT ALL. I hate that the person I consider a close friend DOESN'T EVEN THINK THE SAME TO ME. I'm so fucking weak and stupid and I can't be strong. I'm useless. Life and love aren't for me at all.

 

[Thereisnothing]

I wish I could be there for you and give you a massive hug and sit and listen to you face to face. Valentines day is just a gimmick by the media and the tradespeople to get money off people, it means nothing. You dont need anything to show or feel love.
The person you love who is causing you this amount of pain, sure doesn't know how much he is hurting you. I have been in similar torturing situations like you are going through and its absolutely horrific. I had breakdowns in my younger days over loving those who thought loved me and ended up treating me worse than crap. I wanted to die and couldn't bare not to be with them. Over the years I worked out they couldn't have cared about me if they could treat me so bad and Iwas worth so much more than that. I loved them so much I wanted to die, but looking back they wren't worth me killing myself over.
People who dont treat us with respect just are selfish and ignorant.
Would you say I am useless, weak and stupid? I ask you this as you say you are, but I reckon like me you are kind, caring and just wish someone would love me back. I am 45 now and still crave to be in someones arms, find genuine love.
You aren't weak and stupid, you are hurting so very badly and this world is hard for people like you and i who are caring and kind and genuinely wish to be loved and cared about.
I do hope you find some comfort from these words.
I am worried about you and very concerned you are trying this partial suspension, PLEASE be careful.
Remember there are some very good people out there among the shite hawks who only want and care about themselves. You, like I have so much love to give. Do you think if I;d have killed myself at that time, it would've been the right thing? I wanted to but they weren't worth it. I am better than them and you are better person than those who keep hurting you. You wont see that at the moment, but believe me its true.
Its a vicious world alright and horrid to love someone who either uses you and makes you beleive you are loved by them, or treats you bad all the time.
Its hard but maybe just take a tiny step back and see you ARE worth being loved, just as I am and everyone else. I will love you on your behalf for now and care about you as I know 1st hand the pain you are going through. Please dont hurt yourself ok, I know you feel you have to and I understand that but it wont help after the short term fix it gives. I'll tell you this, I have lost most my hair through my illness (Physical) and I'd give anything to have it back, so for me, maybe you could refrain from the hair pulling. Remember I alone this valentines day, millions will be............love comes in many guises and often appears when you least expect it.
I am totally alone in the world, have noone at all, this is so hard to bare. I have no clue why I am still here, but I am..............it hurts like hell being alone with noone and also being so ill physically.............yet maybe I still have hope, however tiny. And I wish to share that tiny glimmer with you xx

 

[BabyYoda]

I wish I could be there for you and give you a massive hug and sit and listen to you face to face. Valentines day is just a gimmick by the media and the tradespeople to get money off people, it means nothing. You dont need anything to show or feel love.
The person you love who is causing you this amount of pain, sure doesn't know how much he is hurting you. I have been in similar torturing situations like you are going through and its absolutely horrific. I had breakdowns in my younger days over loving those who thought loved me and ended up treating me worse than crap. I wanted to die and couldn't bare not to be with them. Over the years I worked out they couldn't have cared about me if they could treat me so bad and Iwas worth so much more than that. I loved them so much I wanted to die, but looking back they wren't worth me killing myself over.
People who dont treat us with respect just are selfish and ignorant.
Would you say I am useless, weak and stupid? I ask you this as you say you are, but I reckon like me you are kind, caring and just wish someone would love me back. I am 45 now and still crave to be in someones arms, find genuine love.
You aren't weak and stupid, you are hurting so very badly and this world is hard for people like you and i who are caring and kind and genuinely wish to be loved and cared about.
I do hope you find some comfort from these words.
I am worried about you and very concerned you are trying this partial suspension, PLEASE be careful.
Remember there are some very good people out there among the shite hawks who only want and care about themselves. You, like I have so much love to give. Do you think if I;d have killed myself at that time, it would've been the right thing? I wanted to but they weren't worth it. I am better than them and you are better person than those who keep hurting you. You wont see that at the moment, but believe me its true.
Its a vicious world alright and horrid to love someone who either uses you and makes you beleive you are loved by them, or treats you bad all the time.
Its hard but maybe just take a tiny step back and see you ARE worth being loved, just as I am and everyone else. I will love you on your behalf for now and care about you as I know 1st hand the pain you are going through. Please dont hurt yourself ok, I know you feel you have to and I understand that but it wont help after the short term fix it gives. I'll tell you this, I have lost most my hair through my illness (Physical) and I'd give anything to have it back, so for me, maybe you could refrain from the hair pulling. Remember I alone this valentines day, millions will be............love comes in many guises and often appears when you least expect it.
I am totally alone in the world, have noone at all, this is so hard to bare. I have no clue why I am still here, but I am..............it hurts like hell being alone with noone and also being so ill physically.............yet maybe I still have hope, however tiny. And I wish to share that tiny glimmer with you xx

Hey, I really appreciate the effort. But I feel that it is my time to go already. My body cannot fight any longer.

 

[Chronicillness]

I disagree with your reasonings for CTBing, but you are your own vessel and if you truly feel that you're self-destructing then who am I to tell you how to end your suffering

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I can hear your despair and desperation. I'm so sorry. @Thereisnothing has spoken more eloquently than I ever can. Although we haven't talked, I've read many of your posts and I certainly don't believe that you are weak or stupid, not at all. I feel like that sometimes, as I am alone and virtually abandoned after a lifetime's struggle. But I know its not true, its just how I feel. It doesn't invalidate my feelings though and that's something others struggle to understand. I struggle to see past that, but struggle I do. But I understand the exhaustion it seems you feel. Its so hard to fight back or listen to kind words when you are utterly panned out.

Please be careful. Its very easy to end up in a worse situation. I know that doesn't help you are sort how you feel but I don't want you to hurt even more.

 

[Thereisnothing]

Hey, I really appreciate the effort. But I feel that it is my time to go already. My body cannot fight any longer.

Ok well if your mind is made up, I can sadly say no more to you. Take care and know that others care about you.

 

[Ghost2211]

If you change your mind and hang around for a while longer a lot of us including myself would love to be your friend. If you're set on going I hope you find peace.

 

[HorribleFeelings1]

So I tried "practicing" partial suspension. Am I doing it wrong if I find myself catching my breath? Like I'm depriving myself from air instead of pressing the carotoid artery? (It did hurt after tho)

I'm really scared not because of the act itself but the consequences if I survive. My mom would be flaming mad at me for doing such a thing. I don't want to be hospitalized for my attempt. Also, what the hell should I do with all the stuff in my laptop? I downloaded a bunch of NSFW games and uggggghhhhhh it's such a hassle buying more USBs. It's a good laptop with good specs for games/editing. I really HATE the fact that I need to CTB but it's the only way out. Unless...somebody is willing to be my best friend or significant other. Nothing else would work. Not even pills or therapy.

If I won't CTB then how the fuck am I supposed to live with this dragging pain? It affects my body EVERY SINGLE DAY and I feel it could get so bad that my veins pop and blood flows out of my skin. I can't just beg for love from anyone. Yes begging for food is valid but never love. WHY DO WE HAVE TO LIVE ON THIS STUPID SHIT. WHY CAN'T WE BE ROBOTS? I can't even handle heartbreak the proper way so why should I even live?

Fuck it. Fuck it all. I want to rip my hair out till nothing is left. Fuck especially Valentine's day and this stupid love lifestyle. I hate it. I HATE IT ALL. I hate that the person I consider a close friend DOESN'T EVEN THINK THE SAME TO ME. I'm so fucking weak and stupid and I can't be strong. I'm useless. Life and love aren't for me at all.

I'm glad your pain is going to end soon, I hope you find piece and You're lucky your CTB date is this month, mine is around next month and I don't want to wait

 

[ClonesAnnoyMe]

Please change your mind, alot of people including myself here would love to be your friend

I'll happily give you my phone number if you need someone to talk to