Planning CTB makes me feel better?

[WeighAnchor]

Heya, this is my first thread so I apologize in advance if this doesn't belong here or if I mess up with properly labeling the thread or whatever.

I just got back from having dinner with my parents. We played some board games after and all in all it's been a good evening. Right when I was leaving, my dad tells me that I seem to be doing well, that I appear better than I've been in a while to him. I kinda shrugged it off, but I couldn't help but see the irony in it.

In a way he's not wrong; I've been in a depressive period for the last ~2 months, but a few days ago, I did start to feel better. Things started being enjoyable again. The ironic part is that the only thing that changed a few days ago was joining this forum and looking into suicide methods. In the days leading up to that, I'd gotten to the point where I couldn't get any enjoyment out of anything, I'd just either lay in bed or stare blankly at a wall or the ceiling. I tried to play games or watch something, but I straight up could not do it. I was feeling strong suicidal urges, and tried several times to blood choke myself just using my hands (which obviously didn't work, dumb to even try).

Then, during another stare-at-the-wall session, I decided it's time I get serious with the suicide plans again, visited SaSu since I'd heard of it recently, and started reading up on the different methods proposed here. I revisited the next day, and was already feeling better, even a bit excited to get the day going.

I've been thinking about it since and I don't really know what to make of it. I'm not diagnosed with BPD or bipolar, or any other disorder that should wildly affect my emotional state. Maybe it's just the relief of knowing that the end is in sight, or at least more tangible than it was a few days ago? It's not like my situation, my prospects for the future or anything else has gotten better.

Edit: worth mentioning that I've tried to kill myself once before and have consistent suicidal thoughts or urges, it's not just spontaneous suicidal ideation.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that it's perfectly understandable feeling better once you are planning to ctb, as I believe that it can make people feel less trapped here if they have a method that they feel confident in and I just think that it can be a relief for many knowing that they have the option of a way to exit this existence. I also think that if someone has the option of a ctb method then existing feels less like an obligation but a choice.

 

[cogmachine]

seeing a clear(er) way out of the situation can be quite cathartic. people here don't try shutting you up with empty promises of it getting better, as we're all more or less in the same boat here. unfiltered solutions give a better picture as well.

 

[WeighAnchor]

I think that it's perfectly understandable feeling better once you are planning to ctb, as I believe that it can make people feel less trapped here if they have a method that they feel confident in and I just think that it can be a relief for many knowing that they have the option of a way to exit this existence. I also think that if someone has the option of a ctb method then existing feels less like an obligation but a choice.

Yeah, I was thinking it could be something like that, that it's not just mental anguish for no reason anymore, but something I'm getting closer to being able to stop.

seeing a clear(er) way out of the situation can be quite cathartic. people here don't try shutting you up with empty promises of it getting better, as we're all more or less in the same boat here. unfiltered solutions give a better picture as well.

Good point, that has been refreshing. I could always tell when my therapist tried to "subtly" influence me away from this type of thing. I didn't think she was a bad therapist by any means, and I fully understand that she needed to since it was her job to try to keep me from getting worse, but it also felt so I dunno... transparent.

 

[cogmachine]

Good point, that has been refreshing. I could always tell when my therapist tried to "subtly" influence me away from this type of thing. I didn't think she was a bad therapist by any means, and I fully understand that she needed to since it was her job to try to keep me from getting worse, but it also felt so I dunno... transparent.

in a lot of cases, when people keep pulling you out of thinking like that it'll make you feel trapped or even worse, but if they let go then you start having doubts and second choices, with the lack of any safety net. only when someone gave up on trying to convince me out of it did i reconsider doing it at all.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Welcome to Sasu. Planning suicide has always helped me to feel better too, just because it's nice to know I have a way out when things get really bad again. I'm glad you were able to enjoy spending time with your family though, because I know all too well how horrible it feels to just stare at a wall or a computer screen without getting enjoyment from anything.

Have you tried researching methods before finding this site and did that help you feel better at all? If not, then the added benefit of being able to interact with people in your situation probably helps you to feel more at ease. Participating in discussion threads is a lot better than reading medical journals describing how someone died from a method you're considering, just because it can be overwhelming trying to figure everything out yourself.

Also, those medical journals sometimes leave out essential info, so it makes it harder to figure out what to do just from reading them.

 

[WeighAnchor]

Welcome to Sasu. Planning suicide has always helped me to feel better too, just because it's nice to know I have a way out when things get really bad again. I'm glad you were able to enjoy spending time with your family though, because I know all too well how horrible it feels to just stare at a wall or a computer screen without getting enjoyment from anything.

Have you tried researching methods before finding this site and did that help you feel better at all? If not, then the added benefit of being able to interact with people in your situation probably helps you to feel more at ease. Participating in discussion threads is a lot better than reading medical journals describing how someone died from a method you're considering, just because it can be overwhelming trying to figure everything out yourself.

Also, those medical journals sometimes leave out essential info, so it makes it harder to figure out what to do just from reading them.

Thank you!

I did around my first suicide attempt, sifting out which methods seemed the most viable and whatnot. I looked into things just by myself, had nobody to talk to about the plans. It was a laughably bad attempt, made even more embarrassing by how long I took to plan it. Still, at least I found out I could push past SI while not under the influence of anything.

I don't trust myself to research everything on my own again, I'm not internet-savvy enough to get at the necessary sources. The threads on here have been helpful, although I haven't quite found what I'm looking for just yet.

 

[katagiri83]

It's all about agency

Exactly this