Planning Brings Me Peace

[iamuncertain]

Suicidal thoughts have been in my life too long. My problem has always been that the depression comes in waves and when it hits I'm impulsive, and this unsuccessful.
I spent a couple of years in psych hospitals as a teenager because of this. I got out, got 'better' and moved on.
It's been about 4 years since that ended, and a couple of months ago the darkness crept back in again. It wasn't ever completely gone, but now it's back with avengence, the intensity beyond what I can manage. As a result, I've had a couple of impulsive attempts, but nothing successful.

For the first time in my life, I've started planning with purpose, and it's surprisingly peaceful. Don't get me wrong, I made plans in hospital but the limited resources and constant supervision meant these were mostly pipe dreams. Now I'm free, the internet at my fingertips. When I first started posting here, I was uncertain. I didn't know where life was taking me (see previous posts if you're interested in that I guess.)
Now I've started planning, truly planning, with intention, things don't seem as scary anymore.

I'm involved in more support services than I can count, but thankfully they are useless so won't even think to stop me. Everything feels right now.
Don't get me wrong, the guilt is tearing me apart. But I have just accepted that my CTB will be a selfish one. There are plenty of reasons for me to live, to keep trying. But they do not outweigh the pain I am feeling. So selfishly I will make my choice. I don't believe CTB is generally a selfish act, if anything it's selfless in a lot of cases. But that's a thread for another day.
For now I will plan and relish in the temporary peace that brings, until permanent peace washes over me.

 

[BullsDon'tFly]

Waiting for the thread on the selfishness of CTB in the future (if we will still be here ), that should be interesting. We also have similar history.
Right now, all I can do is hoping your next day will be better than the previous and to find peace.

 

[nitrogenous]

Same mate, now that I've taken steps towards my plan to ctb, I've become surprisingly much more peaceful, and perhaps, interestingly less suicidal? I feel like it doesn't make sense, but it's just a weird feeling after being so chronically suicidal for quite long…

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Thinking about suicide definitely brings me relief. There is a way for my pain to end. The thing is carrying through the act. It's hard to do something when the payoff is literally nothing. Action belongs to life, not death.

 

[FuneralCry]

I imagine it must be a relief to feel more at peace, I wish you the best.

 

[iamuncertain]

Waiting for the thread on the selfishness of CTB in the future (if we will still be here ), that should be interesting. We also have similar history.
Right now, all I can do is hoping your next day will be better than the previous and to find peace.

Thank you, it's been on my mind this evening so just posted it.