Planned CTB for tomorrow, but I can't do it :-(

[LenkaX]

I have planned a long time to CTB tomorrow because I'll be completely home alone for 3 days. I have everything I need for the recommended Amitriptyline cocktail and more than 48 hours nobody would resuscitate me. I know that if I do it tomorrow, it would be really my end, there would be no chance that I'd survive. Although I hate my life which is just pure hell of social isolation, my brain is now suddenly coming with reasons why not to do it and the survival instinct does its thing. Suddenly my mind is focusing on how to improve my situation, how to lose weight, do intermittent fasting, stop eating sugar etc. My mind is telling me that it's better to continue living this shit life than killing myself.
That's so bad, I really want to die but at the same time something tells me that I can't do it. Maybe I fear that if I kill myself, something even worse will come.
Have you ever felt the same way? Like you had an ideal opportunity for a peaceful death but you didn't do it?

 

[inflammed123]

Maybe take a break from this site. i'm in despair but at times when there was hope for a better future and resolution of the past I wasn't suicidal.

i've considered amitriptyline cocktail (amit+benzo to knock you out). I recently had a bottle of benzos for alcohol detox and even moderate doses weren't inducing sleep. i'd be afraid of the benzo not working to be honest. Before embarking on amitrip cocktail you should do a trial run to make sure that the benzos do induce sleep. Take like 5 ami's and 5 benzos, put a timer on your phone and see how long your out for. You might be one of those people (like me) for whom benzos don't keep you under. Sorry if this scares you but it's probably better than experiencing the ami toxicity and calling an ambulance because your so sick.

 

[LenkaX]

Maybe take a break from this site. i'm in despair but at times when there was hope for a better future and resolution of the past I wasn't suicidal.

i've considered amitriptyline cocktail (amit+benzo to knock you out). I recently had a bottle of benzos for alcohol detox and even moderate doses weren't inducing sleep. i'd be afraid of the benzo not working to be honest. Before embarking on amitrip cocktail you should do a trial run to make sure that the benzos do induce sleep. Take like 5 ami's and 5 benzos, put a timer on your phone and see how long your out for. You might be one of those people (like me) for whom benzos don't keep you under. Sorry if this scares you but it's probably better than experiencing the ami toxicity and calling an ambulance because your so sick.

I'm sure that benzos work for me. I took them in past and they relieved insomnia and anxiety well. But I haven't taken them for some 2 years now which is good because you need to be clear off any benzos prior to overdose with them. I'm sure that 300 mg of diazepam would put me in a very deep sleep for a long time.
My problem is now that I don't want to CTB, although I do want to CTB... On one hand I feel finished with this life but on the other hand something tells me that anything is better than killing myself...

 

[Sinkinshyp]

It sounds like you are not 100% sure about this. It sounds like your weight is a major issue for you. You can loose weight and still eat sugars and not fast. When I was a teenager I tried to CTB- I thought I really wanted to. I'm 48 now. I had a son at 20 and had 25 amazing years in my life with him. I'm glad I didnt suceed as a teenager because I got to live for a while.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

This happened to me when I tied my belt to hang myself my mind started to give me excuses to keep on living but then I'm back to the daily shitty thing. I don't know your case but at least try to improve and see how far you can go. It's not bad to give life another chance.

 

[Deathbydemo]

This is a problem. You think you have everything planned out and then the doubt comes, totally normal. I believe we are probably naturally hardwired to think "but things might actually get better" somewhere in our brains, despite how much pain we're in. Personally, I am 100% confident about my decision but I know that when it comes down to it, with the SN in my hand, I will probably be looking for a reason not to actually drink it.

ask yourself are you really ready... maybe you're not. Maybe you need more time. maybe it's not your time at all. SI will be incredibly hard to overcome. Actually going through with the plan takes a hell of a lot of courage. Whatever you decide to do, this place will always be here. It's the best place for venting out things like this - if nothing else, we learn our feelings are valid. And that we're not alone.

 

[ARW3N]

I don't know if anyone has seen the 2006 documentary The Bridge which shows real-life suicides jumping to their deaths from the Golden Gate Bridge. What surprised me most about suicide was the sheer ambivalence of the act. One guy kept pacIng up and down and did a backflip to circumvent the survival instinct. It was so effective that one onlooker thought he was bungee jumping. Another guy didn't so much as jump as kind of fell into the water below in a final act of consummation with the sea.

 

[Alec]

I think I too, at least partly am afraid of killing myself because a part of me things what if something even worse will come if I kill myself. I'm not a religious person I don't really believe in hell and I don't believe suicide is something that should/is punished by any god in any religion though.

 

[NotCreativeName]

I know this feeling and i say to overcome your Desire to live you have to understand that there is no way to improve to.save yourself. Maybe you should try to improve and Lost weight but anyway i dont know what problems or guilty you have to say what you Can do

 

[It'sNotLookingGood]

It's okay, it's your life and you are in no rush to choose what you do with it:)
Maybe now isn't the right time, it's your decision but it's a really hard one, so don't feel bad for having difficulty with it<3

 

[lotus11]

yes I am like you, I am so tired of life, I want to die, all in my life is unbearable, I have SN and no one around...but SI is a real bitch

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

I have planned a long time to CTB tomorrow because I'll be completely home alone for 3 days. I have everything I need for the recommended Amitriptyline cocktail and more than 48 hours nobody would resuscitate me. I know that if I do it tomorrow, it would be really my end, there would be no chance that I'd survive. Although I hate my life which is just pure hell of social isolation, my brain is now suddenly coming with reasons why not to do it and the survival instinct does its thing. Suddenly my mind is focusing on how to improve my situation, how to lose weight, do intermittent fasting, stop eating sugar etc. My mind is telling me that it's better to continue living this shit life than killing myself.
That's so bad, I really want to die but at the same time something tells me that I can't do it. Maybe I fear that if I kill myself, something even worse will come.
Have you ever felt the same way? Like you had an ideal opportunity for a peaceful death but you didn't do it?

I struggle with this every day. To me, if you ever have the slightest doubt, it's not your time.

 

[death137]

Yeah it happened to me many times. When I'm close of my planned day the irrational part of me tries to find some reason to continue a miserable existence. False hope is a good feeling for the moment but can't be sustained and with worse consequences. It made me to try improve my life but after few days or weeks or months I accept reality, give up on everything and then live a more humiliating life.