Venting Plan Failed

[logicalmove]

I tried to ctb on Friday. I'd had the plan for a long time, and I'd written my note and scheduled my emails and everything and I finally was ready to jump, but when I got there I couldn't get over the new suicide fence they'd put up around the bridge. I tried and tried and I just couldn't climb it. There was nothing I could do.

I've ordered some SN, but I just feel really defeated. I was ready to go and now I have to wait, and the more I wait the more scared I am, especially because I'm worried I won't be able to go through with SN. I know I need to. I did something terrible in the past and I (rightly) can't escape the guilt. And my mental health has always been so bad that I know I'm never going to be able to function in the real world. I'm just a burden and I don't want to cause more harm. But I love my cat so much. And I love my hobbies. And I don't want to hurt my parents. I would give anything to just go back in time and fix things.

I'm sorry I don't really know what to say or ask for here. I just needed to share this somewhere.

 

[unHumam]

I understand the feelings of guilt you are talking about. Ive been struggling with something similar, as well as not wanting to leave because of my cat, funnily enough. Is there anyone irl you can talk to about what's going on? Not ctp specifically obvi but just the fact that you are struggling? Talking face face was a huge help for me a couple years ago and actually stopped me from fully committing once.

 

[leaf23]

I'm so sorry. I know the feeling of being trapped by your emotions and the only way you could think to stop them or escape them is through ctb. One thing about ctb is, it gives someone the reality or the illusion (it depends) of control or agency over your life when your feeling trapped. Like, you don't know how to resolve or cope with your emotions or situation so you solve it by ctb which you can control in some degree. I hope you find peace whatever path you take.

 

[logicalmove]

I understand the feelings of guilt you are talking about. Ive been struggling with something similar, as well as not wanting to leave because of my cat, funnily enough. Is there anyone irl you can talk to about what's going on? Not ctp specifically obvi but just the fact that you are struggling? Talking face face was a huge help for me a couple years ago and actually stopped me from fully committing once.

Thank you. I'm so sorry you're going through it too.

I'm in a therapy program. But I've been in therapy for years. They say it's not as bad as I think, that no one goes through life without causing harm, that I need to focus forwards instead of back. But I think there are some things a person just can't live with. And it's a therapist's job to tell you not to ctb, even if you actually deserve it.

It's like recently I just woke up and could see my life from a whole different perspective. I look back and think 'that's not me.' And there's no way to reconcile the person I was with the person I believed myself to be, before I realized how much harm I could have caused

I'm really glad talking helped you in the past. Is that something you could pursue again? Sending much love to you and your cat. <3

I'm so sorry. I know the feeling of being trapped by your emotions and the only way you could think to stop them or escape them is through ctb. One thing about ctb is, it gives someone the reality or the illusion (it depends) of control or agency over your life when your feeling trapped. Like, you don't know how to resolve or cope with your emotions or situation so you solve it by ctb which you can control in some degree. I hope you find peace whatever path you take.

Thank you so much. I'm so sorry you know the feeling too. It's awful. I just keep thinking if I had just been better in the past I wouldn't have to be going through it now. It's all my fault.

You're so right about control. The thing I did, the people who would've been hurt never found out, and we're not in contact anymore, so it would only do more harm to confess and apologize now. I feel like I never got the consequences I deserved, so ctb is my only way of making amends. There are other reasons, too, but that's the strongest. If I could go back in time and undo this one choice, I wouldn't have to die. I wish I'd thought of that when I made the choice.

 

[unHumam]

Thank you. I'm so sorry you're going through it too.

I'm in a therapy program. But I've been in therapy for years. They say it's not as bad as I think, that no one goes through life without causing harm, that I need to focus forwards instead of back. But I think there are some things a person just can't live with. And it's a therapist's job to tell you not to ctb, even if you actually deserve it.

It's like recently I just woke up and could see my life from a whole different perspective. I look back and think 'that's not me.' And there's no way to reconcile the person I was with the person I believed myself to be, before I realized how much harm I could have caused

I'm really glad talking helped you in the past. Is that something you could pursue again? Sending much love to you and your cat. <3

First off thank you for the love, sending right back at you and your pet!

im currently struggling to find a support system since I'm living in a city with no friends or family. I've always struggled with forming relationships so moving here was kind of a nail in the coffin for me.

I know what you mean with looking back and not recognizing yourself, though maybe for me it's a little different. I did some shitty stuff back in hs that I regret every day, and when I look back I think what the fuck did I do to myself. I had so much going for me and then practically one day everything fell through and I had nothing. And now I look back and see how my motivation and drive brought me to be kind of an awful person, and like what was it all for anyways, if I'm working min wage in a crappy apartment with no savings after all that effort. That was kind of a ramble so sorry if it didn't make sense haha

i feel like while yeah therapist do kinda have to say "yeah don't like ctb" you have to at least hope they really mean it. Just talking to you right now I don't think you deserve death, and I mean obvi i don't know everything that you've done and you don't know everything I've done, I can feel your remorse and imo that's the most important thing you can feel. I'm glad you are able to go to therapy and talk about things, even though a lot of times that doesn't help a lot.

 

[bennydiazapine]

I tried to ctb on Friday. I'd had the plan for a long time, and I'd written my note and scheduled my emails and everything and I finally was ready to jump, but when I got there I couldn't get over the new suicide fence they'd put up around the bridge. I tried and tried and I just couldn't climb it. There was nothing I could do.

I've ordered some SN, but I just feel really defeated. I was ready to go and now I have to wait, and the more I wait the more scared I am, especially because I'm worried I won't be able to go through with SN. I know I need to. I did something terrible in the past and I (rightly) can't escape the guilt. And my mental health has always been so bad that I know I'm never going to be able to function in the real world. I'm just a burden and I don't want to cause more harm. But I love my cat so much. And I love my hobbies. And I don't want to hurt my parents. I would give anything to just go back in time and fix things.

I'm sorry I don't really know what to say or ask for here. I just needed to share this somewhere.

I can relate with unbearable guilt and sadness that comes with with it.

In the same boat with you regarding the SN as well, everyday that passes my anxiety toward the thought rises.

I hope you find peace.

 

[jodes2]

If you spend some time fixing your mental health, you should find that you can overcome your guilt! You deserve to live, you should live! For yourself and those around you. You still have everything to live for! Try to be strong! Get help! Fix your mental health! Once you have, you'll realise that you really do actually want to live, and things aren't as bad as they seem right now

 

[logicalmove]

First off thank you for the love, sending right back at you and your pet!

im currently struggling to find a support system since I'm living in a city with no friends or family. I've always struggled with forming relationships so moving here was kind of a nail in the coffin for me.

I know what you mean with looking back and not recognizing yourself, though maybe for me it's a little different. I did some shitty stuff back in hs that I regret every day, and when I look back I think what the fuck did I do to myself. I had so much going for me and then practically one day everything fell through and I had nothing. And now I look back and see how my motivation and drive brought me to be kind of an awful person, and like what was it all for anyways, if I'm working min wage in a crappy apartment with no savings after all that effort. That was kind of a ramble so sorry if it didn't make sense haha

i feel like while yeah therapist do kinda have to say "yeah don't like ctb" you have to at least hope they really mean it. Just talking to you right now I don't think you deserve death, and I mean obvi i don't know everything that you've done and you don't know everything I've done, I can feel your remorse and imo that's the most important thing you can feel. I'm glad you are able to go to therapy and talk about things, even though a lot of times that doesn't help a lot.

Living without a support system is so difficult, I can completely understand and feel for you. I also struggle greatly with relationships. It's hard that humans are social creatures but society just isn't set up for the kind of community people really need these days. I hope that you can find people who can be there for you if you need.

What you said makes total sense, not a ramble at all! I totally get that feeling of regret - like, what was I thinking? Why was I choosing to do something shitty over things that aligned with my values? I know for me, the answer is that I was really mentally ill, and insecure, and desperate, and it made me selfish. I just wish I could go back and kick myself into shape.

If it helps, I think a lot of people make dumb decisions in high school, and these days minimum wage and no savings seems to be more common than not. I think it's a mark on society, rather than the individual, that so many people are in this spot. And especially when you're a teenager, your brain isn't fully developed enough to not be impulsive and reckless, especially if there's other stuff going on. I know saying things like this doesn't really help with the regret, but I do think most teens deserve more grace than we give them.

Thank you so much for saying that. You don't sound like you deserve it either, and you're right that we'll never know each other's stories, but you seem very kind and genuine. I think I'm resistant to therapy because it might make me feel better when I don't deserve to. And maybe I'm still a coward, if I'm choosing to ctb rather than to live with the remorse I deserve. But I truly hope you can find peace in whatever way is best for you!

I can relate with unbearable guilt and sadness that comes with with it.

In the same boat with you regarding the SN as well, everyday that passes my anxiety toward the thought rises.

I hope you find peace.

So sorry that you can relate. It's the hardest feeling in the world. I wish life came with a button that let you undo one thing. Of course, I'd probably have used it too early, but it's a nice thought.

I wish you peace, too!

 

[unHumam]

Living without a support system is so difficult, I can completely understand and feel for you. I also struggle greatly with relationships. It's hard that humans are social creatures but society just isn't set up for the kind of community people really need these days. I hope that you can find people who can be there for you if you need.

What you said makes total sense, not a ramble at all! I totally get that feeling of regret - like, what was I thinking? Why was I choosing to do something shitty over things that aligned with my values? I know for me, the answer is that I was really mentally ill, and insecure, and desperate, and it made me selfish. I just wish I could go back and kick myself into shape.

If it helps, I think a lot of people make dumb decisions in high school, and these days minimum wage and no savings seems to be more common than not. I think it's a mark on society, rather than the individual, that so many people are in this spot. And especially when you're a teenager, your brain isn't fully developed enough to not be impulsive and reckless, especially if there's other stuff going on. I know saying things like this doesn't really help with the regret, but I do think most teens deserve more grace than we give them.

Thank you so much for saying that. You don't sound like you deserve it either, and you're right that we'll never know each other's stories, but you seem very kind and genuine. I think I'm resistant to therapy because it might make me feel better when I don't deserve to. And maybe I'm still a coward, if I'm choosing to ctb rather than to live with the remorse I deserve. But I truly hope you can find peace in whatever way is best for you!

So sorry that you can relate. It's the hardest feeling in the world. I wish life came with a button that let you undo one thing. Of course, I'd probably have used it too early, but it's a nice thought.

I wish you peace, too!

Thank you for the kind works and conversation, it helped me a ton on a day where I wasn't feeling great. I hope you find peace as well. Best of luck, and I'm rooting for you

 

[logicalmove]

If you spend some time fixing your mental health, you should find that you can overcome your guilt! You deserve to live, you should live! For yourself and those around you. You still have everything to live for! Try to be strong! Get help! Fix your mental health! Once you have, you'll realise that you really do actually want to live, and things aren't as bad as they seem right now

Thank you, I really appreciate you saying that! I've definitely been getting help and trying to do the work. I just don't know if I'm too far gone or if it's even right for me to do. I wish you all the best and I reflect all your kind words back to you <3

 

[jodes2]

Thank you, I really appreciate you saying that! I've definitely been getting help and trying to do the work. I just don't know if I'm too far gone or if it's even right for me to do. I wish you all the best and I reflect all your kind words back to you <3

Aww you're not too far gone at all! You have love for things still so you're not even 50% gone! You just need to fix your mental health one step at a time, one small facet at a time, one little step at a time until you've checked off enough problems to feel like it's ok to live again. You obviously feel a great burden, and it's gotten too much. You need someone to help unravel the mess and simplify it for you into a path you can follow that doesn't feel daunting. You just need some faith that it's possible. And it is! Maybe you just need a different therapist who gives you confidence in their abilities and yours. So many things are fixable, and I bet it's enough to make your life feel manageable and like it's worth living again. I hope you don't give up <3 it's certainly right for you to want to live and to be happy

 

[tiredangelgirl]

I know you are getting a lot of replies on this thread so no worries if you don't reply, but I still hope you read it.
the world is a big weird place. forgiving myself was one of the hardest things i've ever done but I watched other people do it (and they did way "worse" things than me) and watching their ease about things help. it's okay to say "I was younger and stupid." the world isn't black and white. I really hope you find the strength to continue on, because from what you've said you still have hope and reason to be here. you still get joy from your cat and you have family and friends that care about you. that's kinda risky to ctb when something such as forgiveness can be obtained. I hope you wait it out a bit longer and see if things change. I get that's annoying to hear, but some people on this site I can tell are sure in their decisions and I feel you still have hope even though you don't feel it right now.

 

[logicalmove]

Aww you're not too far gone at all! You have love for things still so you're not even 50% gone! You just need to fix your mental health one step at a time, one small facet at a time, one little step at a time until you've checked off enough problems to feel like it's ok to live again. You obviously feel a great burden, and it's gotten too much. You need someone to help unravel the mess and simplify it for you into a path you can follow that doesn't feel daunting. You just need some faith that it's possible. And it is! Maybe you just need a different therapist who gives you confidence in their abilities and yours. So many things are fixable, and I bet it's enough to make your life feel manageable and like it's worth living again. I hope you don't give up <3 it's certainly right for you to want to live and to be happy

Thank you very much. I do have love for a lot of things. It was like 6 months ago I just woke up and could finally see the beauty in the world that I've been missing all my life. I can't explain it and I truly wish I could pass it on to every person who is suffering. But with that 'awakening' came the realization of all the harm I caused for my own selfishness when I was in that dark cloud. I was awful without ever meaning to be. I thought people kept hurting me, but really I was the one causing all the conflict and drama. I ended up doing something really atrocious that would have betrayed and seriously hurt multiple people. I throw up now just thinking about the pain I would have caused if they'd found out. If they ever do. And I feel terrible because it's one thing that isn't fixable. I can never go back and undo it. And I don't know how to live with it. I don't know how I ever did.

You're right that it's one step at a time. I will keep trying in treatment. Maybe that will help me decide whether I deserve it or not. Thank you so much. I really appreciate your kindness. I don't know your story but I hope things improve for you. <3

 

[locked*n*loaded]

We all have regrets in life and we all have done things to others that we can't take back. Sometimes we can make amends directly to affected people, and other times we can't. Fir the cases where we can't, the only thing we can do is realize our mistakes and try not to make them again. That is ALSO amends. The first thing to understand is none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes. Certainly, some mistakes are worse than others. But, there is also forgiveness and making things better first starts with forgiving yourself for past mistakes.

 

[logicalmove]

I know you are getting a lot of replies on this thread so no worries if you don't reply, but I still hope you read it.
the world is a big weird place. forgiving myself was one of the hardest things i've ever done but I watched other people do it (and they did way "worse" things than me) and watching their ease about things help. it's okay to say "I was younger and stupid." the world isn't black and white. I really hope you find the strength to continue on, because from what you've said you still have hope and reason to be here. you still get joy from your cat and you have family and friends that care about you. that's kinda risky to ctb when something such as forgiveness can be obtained. I hope you wait it out a bit longer and see if things change. I get that's annoying to hear, but some people on this site I can tell are sure in their decisions and I feel you still have hope even though you don't feel it right now.

Thank you so much. I am overwhelmed by everyone's kind replies. I feel really bad, I didn't expect to get any attention on this thread, let alone so much kindness.

I'm so proud of you for forgiving yourself. That sounds like such an incredible challenge and accomplishment! <3 'younger and stupid' really resonates, and black and white thinking is something I've been working on. There's no such thing as 'good' and 'bad,' just 'people.' I was so sure on Friday. I'll keep putting in the work, at least in the meantime. Thank you so much again and I wish you all the strength and peace in the world. It sounds like you've done a lot of hard work already.

We all have regrets in life and we all have done things to others that we can't take back. Sometimes we can make amends directly to affected people, and other times we can't. Fir the cases where we can't, the only thing we can do is realize our mistakes and try not to make them again. That is ALSO amends. The first thing to understand is none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes. Certainly, some mistakes are worse than others. But, there is also forgiveness and making things better first starts with forgiving yourself for past mistakes.

thank you very much. <3 I definitely will never repeat my mistake. It's just a matter of whether I can come to terms with having made it in the first place, I guess. I really appreciate your kind words.

 

[jodes2]

Thank you very much. I do have love for a lot of things. It was like 6 months ago I just woke up and could finally see the beauty in the world that I've been missing all my life. I can't explain it and I truly wish I could pass it on to every person who is suffering. But with that 'awakening' came the realization of all the harm I caused for my own selfishness when I was in that dark cloud. I was awful without ever meaning to be. I thought people kept hurting me, but really I was the one causing all the conflict and drama. I ended up doing something really atrocious that would have betrayed and seriously hurt multiple people. I throw up now just thinking about the pain I would have caused if they'd found out. If they ever do. And I feel terrible because it's one thing that isn't fixable. I can never go back and undo it. And I don't know how to live with it. I don't know how I ever did.

You're right that it's one step at a time. I will keep trying in treatment. Maybe that will help me decide whether I deserve it or not. Thank you so much. I really appreciate your kindness. I don't know your story but I hope things improve for you. <3

Aww don't worry about me, I'm doing great with recovery. Suicidal thoughts for me seem a lifetime away now. Even though it was just a few months ago, it's amazing how fast things can change 180 degrees under the right circumstances.

The things you did you didn't do on purpose to cause damage, and even if you did your still deserve to get better. But you didn't and you mean well, so this world is so much better with you in it. We need more people like you I hope you decide to stay for as long as possible, you can brighten this world and more than make up for any harm you did. Besides it's not a case of trying to undo what you did with good actions, you should just write off what happened/ what you did as a mistake, count your blessings and move on with your life. But I know you'll do plenty of good in this world if you stay, you have an amazing heart. Whatever happened, people will recover, and probably forgive and forget!

 

[logicalmove]

Aww don't worry about me, I'm doing great with recovery. Suicidal thoughts for me seem a lifetime away now. Even though it was just a few months ago, it's amazing how fast things can change 180 degrees under the right circumstances.

The things you did you didn't do on purpose to cause damage, and even if you did your still deserve to get better. But you didn't and you mean well, so this world is so much better with you in it. We need more people like you I hope you decide to stay for as long as possible, you can brighten this world and more than make up for any harm you did. Besides it's not a case of trying to undo what you did with good actions, you should just write off what happened/ what you did as a mistake, count your blessings and move on with your life. But I know you'll do plenty of good in this world if you stay, you have an amazing heart. Whatever happened, people will recover, and probably forgive and forget!

I'm so glad you're doing well with recovery! That's really amazing and inspiring and I hope that path continues to give you everything you've needed! Sorry for assuming, I guess I just figured everyone active on here was probably still in the depths!

Thank you so much for your thoughtful words. I definitely didn't do it to cause harm, but it was still conscious and selfish and cruel, and given the harm it could have caused, I think it's unforgivable. But I know there's nothing I can do to change it now, and I don't believe I could ever make a choice like that again. It'll be a while before my SN comes and I don't have any other method, so I'll keep working in therapy until then. Maybe it's a matter of changing my worldview. Thank you for being so kind to me and for taking the time to say all this. We definitely need more people like you in the world, too.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hate how they put fences on bridges to stop people from leaving this world, it really is disgusting how they are trying to force people to stay here and make existence into a prison. People should just be able to die when they wish to, but jumping just sounds like a terrifying method to me anyway. I do envy those who had the courage for it though. But anyway, I wish you the best of luck, at least if someone has SN they have the option of a way out and they won't feel so trapped here anymore.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry. You sound like a very reflective person. You wouldn't be able to feel bad about this past mistake if there wasn't a goodness inside you.

It's absolutely true that you can't go back and fix that time but from what you've said- you weren't in the best frame of mind at that moment but now you are. I'd say your guilt now sounds like more than enough punishment for what you did. Still- it's clearly eating you up.

Is there really no way you can get back in touch with the people it affected? Confess to whatever it was- try to explain that at the time- you were just SO lost that you didn't realise what you were doing and how very sorry you are now? Sometimes I think we can overestimate the impact we've had on people. Plus- this is in the past now. Presumably, whatever it was- the people it affected found a way through. I don't know the details but maybe it wouldn't be as horrendous as you think to remind them of it? I don't know.

Do you worry that they won't forgive you? Even if that happens though- it wasn't really you by the sounds of it. I think some people will allow you to make amends if you say sorry and mean it- which you clearly do.

Honestly, I have done stuff in my life which I'm not proud of. I've acted so selfishly on occasions. I think we've all made mistakes. It can be hard to forgive yourself. Still- if you can see you were mentally poorly at the time- do please take that into account.

It does seem like a part of you wants to live. I REALLY hope you can reconcile this past mistake one way or another and find your way through this.