Venting Pissed off

[a.n.kirillov]

I'm sick of having to stay around because it's so impossibly difficult to obtain the necessary means for a peaceful death. I'm sick of having to pretend or alienate the people around me, of having no one to talk openly to about my wish to die and expect to be treated with respect, of having to do all this secretly.

I'm afraid I won't be able to obtain Pentobarbital and will have to poison myself with sodium nitrite or hang myself from the ceiling beams of my apartment. I'm afraid of a violent death. I'm afraid my brother will discover me hanging or my body having turned blue. I'm afraid I won't be able to go through with it without N and losing what little dignity I have left in mental wards or being bullied by the job centres and temp agencies. I'm afraid of seeing my life, my body and mind deteriorate even further and always regretting that I haven't killed myself earlier.

I want the pain to end. I want to go out with dignity. I want to retain the freedom to say no to life and refuse any form of 'help' I don't agree with.

I don't want to participate in this ridiculous useless game of Life anymore. I don't want to support our Civilization anymore, I don't want to eat meat anymore, I don't want to drive anymore, produce anything anymore, consume anything anymore, sell stupid useless things to stupid useless people anymore, cardboard people, hollowed out depressed empty tired people, not even people but consumer machines, consumer drones. I don't want to wake up and see this depressing world out there anymore; I don't want to heal anymore: I want to whither away and finally be at peace

My suicide will be the first time I act in accordance with what I feel this life is really worth: nothing, the note I will leave will make this clear, that I resent having been born, I resent not the beings, the people, the animals in it that kill, oppress and torture each other but nature, who brings forth these ever evolving, ever more complex organisms whose sole objective is to subjugate, to crush, enslave and consume as many of the other organisms as possible and to reproduce and maximise the amount of their own selfish DNA, this blind, stupid, archaic force, this despicable molecule, for no apparent reason whatsoever.

This was a low effort stream of thought just to get it out of my system, I'm sorry I may delete this later on.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

This was excellently written.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

This was a low effort stream of thought just to get it out of my system, I'm sorry I may delete this later on.

Don't delete it. You summed up how I feel about the nature of life, but can't be bothered to articulate anymore. Force, form, complexity, DNA, life, self-awareness... what next? It feels like an eternal cycle driven by entropy and I can't understand it and I'm not even sure I want to anymore. This is the reward you get for trying to peek behind the curtain.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Thanks. An old friend visited me today and I was reminded that I get trapped in my own head when I'm isolated for too long. We aren't so different from dogs after all; lonely dog -> sad dog. It was good we drank a few beers and talked about the old crap that always used to make us laugh.

Still, as soon as he was gone the thoughts of killing myself were back in the forefront of my mind.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

It was good we drank a few beers and talked about the old crap that always used to make us laugh

I so miss doing that. Lonely dog - sad dog; yeah, that's me too.