sevennn
Specialist
- Sep 11, 2024
- 335
today i couldn't sleep because of tinnitus. mom woke me up as i was falling asleep and it roared. i got super upset. went to the bathroom. i was there a while just ok my phone. and she got up and asked me what i was doing. and said i was worrying her. it pissed me off for some reason. what do these people think that never considered suicide. like what? i'm in the bathroom. with no good suicide method. i'm pissing for fuxks sakes. what are you worried about. that i'll overdose on shower gel? or hang myself with toilet paper? drown in the sink? come on. it's so ridiculous. istg. it's not like it's in movies. locking myself in the bathroom doesn't mean anything. at all. if there's nothing in there that can kill me. i swear normal people think suicide is so easy. annoyed me. the fussing annoys me. she and my stupid family is the reason i can't kms as soon as i want. i'd already drink SN if i just lived alone ffs. it'd be so easy. i hate the fussing and worrying. just piss off. this hellhole that earth is. this crab mentality. keeping others alive no matter what. i don't want to live in this shithole. what's the crime in that. there's the failing body. violent crime. death. accidents. working till you die. mental illness. loneliness. boredom. mediocrity. even if i didn't have tinnitus. why the fuck would i want to live here? you are mental. not me. why the fuck everyone doesn't want to leave this dump. as soon as they can i'm not even sad about suicide or anything that happens in my life. i'm just content. accepted that suicide is coming sometime soon. and nothing matters to me anymore. i'm so content. i finally reached acceptance. today after i realised my hearing is going too. it's giving out. and i don't care anymore. it's nice. because i'll die soon. i even easily watched some true crime without bein scared because i'll be gone soon and it doesn't bother me anymore. i won't be hurt anymore. it's not possible. and that gave me such a light feeling. i can't describe. anxiety for a lot of things is almost gone, nothing fucking matters haha. only care for SN to work. and idk when i'll do it. i kind of really want to put on a facade of being well functioning. push through and when no one expects anything - ctb in a hotel. maybe next summer. why because i hate the fussing over me and the worrying. it makes me sick. and i don't want anyone to question me when i leave somewhere for a long time. if i do it now it'll be alarming. i'll slowly buy everything i need. test SN. book hotel. leave. i think June. summer is my favourite season. so it's only fitting. 
i'll say i was going to celebrate my birthday at a sleepover maybe. idk what i'll say. it's crazy i have to make shit up at 26. i could go on about the immaturity that festered in my life. and how i never grew up. but that's for another post. life wasn't all that. lol. wont miss it. i also don't care to do it in the apartment. if everyone goes away for a couple days. wouldn't care
i'll say i was going to celebrate my birthday at a sleepover maybe. idk what i'll say. it's crazy i have to make shit up at 26. i could go on about the immaturity that festered in my life. and how i never grew up. but that's for another post. life wasn't all that. lol. wont miss it. i also don't care to do it in the apartment. if everyone goes away for a couple days. wouldn't care
