Physical health gradually became worse over the years that I totally forgot...

[TheGoodGuy]

My physical health gradually became worse over the years that I totally forgot the things I now can´t do anymore, there are the obvious I am very aware of like my back injury (I got at 21) and throat problem so I can never bodybuild ever again. I can´t be with girls because of my psoriasis they would think they would get it because most people don´t understand what it really is.

Then there are the "minor" things I can´t do anymore like:
- I can´t color my hair black like I did in my teen years as Goth since my allergies are so bad now that I am sure I am allergic to hair coloring and I have bad psoriasis on my scalp so it´s a big no.
- I can´t use deodorant and haven´t done for years again, first I stopped using them was a few years ago because of my allergies so it messes with my throat making eating an even bigger problem but now I also can´t use them because it irritates my skin and I will get eczema like symptoms if I use them. I still have a lot of my old ones back some even 10+ years old.
- And because of my psoriasis I can´t wear hair product to style my hair, again because of my psoriasis on my scalp
- I also can´t wear caps or beanies for a long time even if I wanted to again because of my psoriasis on my scalp because my scalp needs air.


These might seem like minor problems which they are compared to my bigger ones so I don´t think of them often but damn do I miss being young and healthy and able to style my hair, color it, wear deoderant it felt good taken care of my looks and also to smell nice not that I smell bad fortunately I don´t stink but I am a very clean person so I miss smelling good too after styling my hair etc. it´s just a nice feeling knowing when you walk past a person that you smell good and also feel you look good after carefully picking out the right clothes and styling my hair, getting on deoderant or perfume and in my Goth times putting on Makeup, straightening and styling my hair and I also wish the "ritual" of coloring my hair to keep it black and Goth looking and the smell of it was so nice, I remember the first time I saw the end result of a hair coloring back when I was 14 and was trying to become Emo I felt so amazing because having black hair was a huge step in the direction I was going.

I guess I am just rambling now going down memory street but the point is these seems like small problems but they are actually very big ones, the lack of taking care of my looks has stripped me of a part of my personality. It actually feels kinda..good to write about this like memories are coming back to me and also gives me further closure that I have to die I am 26 but haven´t been able to care for my looks for years basically since my early twenties I miss being a teenager again being able to do all these things people don´t think about.

 

[_Minsk]

i relate a lot! bodybuilding was one of my biggest, if not only source for happiness and self esteem, since i had to stop due to chronic pain too. i was feeling good and in control over my life, i had something which cure my social and general anxiety, eating healthy was actually fun. not being able to do such basic things really sucks and they are for sure no small ones, being not free to express yourself in all ways like changing your appearance are extremely painful and frustrating imo especially dealing with psoriasis. sorry to hear that, youre not alone..

since that my whole life was about reaching that level of fulfilment again, i never was able to, constantly feeling like going against the current, leaving me exhausted.. the only things which im left with are those memories.. life was easy, relationships were easy af, being happy and optimistic, being athletic were like the golden ticket to life.. damn

 

[TheGoodGuy]

i relate a lot! bodybuilding was one of my biggest, if not only source for happiness and self esteem, since i had to stop due to chronic pain too. i was feeling good and in control over my life, i had something which cure my social and general anxiety, eating healthy was actually fun. not being able to do such basic things really sucks and they are for sure no small ones, being not free to express yourself in all ways like changing your appearance are extremely painful and frustrating imo especially dealing with psoriasis. sorry to hear that, youre not alone..

I never even got big enough to even be acknowledged for being a bodybuilder not even compliments despite me gaining 27.9kg because I was very underweight as a teenager I went from 42kg to 69.9kg and my strongest lift was squat which also was my favorite exercise I could lift 110kg in 4 reps while most of the bigger guys even struggled with that but I was still small my arms were only 35cm while bulking

To make matters worse my little brother is a bodybuilder he started shortly before me and since we had similar friends and obviously same family I had to endure hearing everyone showering him with validation and admiration all the time while despite my huge weight gain I would just get a "you look healthy" while everyone pretty much were drooling over how big my little brothers arms and chest were it felt insulting and I was so jealous of that I wanted to be validated admiredby people.

But to be fair he was also more dedicated than me in the sense that he never stopped working out where as I was addicted to weed at the time so I would workout 3-6 month mostly 3 and then stop and smoke weed for 3 month and gain back my musclemass quickly plus some extra due to muscle memory. But in my defense I kept going back to the weed both for nostalgia but mostly because of my throat problem, bodybuilding is hard and takes so much dedication and that is if you have a normal functioning body but with my throat problem it would take me about 1 hour to eat 80 grams of rice and 100 grams of chicken, and bodybuilders usually eat every 3 hours but because I ate so slow I would have to eat every 2 hours so other people had it so easy being able to chow down such a meal in 20 minutes while I would sit and eat such a boring plain meal ever other hour, isn´t it obvious why I couldn´t keep up and went back to the weed where I barely ate anything and just smoked. Also it´s pretty hard to see your brother achieve your dream he is now a big bodybuilder with 43cm arms and breast presses 55kg dumbbels I never even got the chance to look like a bodybuilder.

If I have had a normal functioning body I would still be a bodybuilder there is nothing more exciting than seeing your progress on the scale, your measurements and in the mirror god I miss those times I even still have my little progress book where I would keep track on my progress for each month.

Btw: do you also have psoriasis?

 

[ceelo]

i relate a lot! bodybuilding was one of my biggest, if not only source for happiness and self esteem, since i had to stop due to chronic pain too. i was feeling good and in control over my life, i had something which cure my social and general anxiety, eating healthy was actually fun. not being able to do such basic things really sucks and they are for sure no small ones, being not free to express yourself in all ways like changing your appearance are extremely painful and frustrating imo especially dealing with psoriasis. sorry to hear that, youre not alone..

since that my whole life was about reaching that level of fulfilment again, i never was able to, constantly feeling like going against the current, leaving me exhausted.. the only things which im left with are those memories.. life was easy, relationships were easy af, being happy and optimistic, being athletic were like the golden ticket to life.. damn

this i was an athlete my whole life until just a year n half ago now due to a fucking retard anxiety disorder caused by stomach issues i can barely do anything at all.