I think I had a pretty traumatic childhood. I got a lot of love by my mom. But she also was very violent. SInce the age of 5 my mom beated the shit out of me on a daily basis. It wasn't the physical pain which was the worst. I think the worst thing was that the violence was done by my mom and the fact that the punishments were pretty arbitrary. I read they cause more damage. I think the nervous system because hypervigilant. And this is right in my case. My mom also insulted me for example she insulted me as fat which was cynical because she also fed me to get fat. I suspect my mom was abused too as a child. And just adapted these methods to her children. I am not sure whether I was hard to raise. I think there wasn't even a chance to find that out because she became violent pretty early with no good reason tbh.
In school I was bullied a lot. There was an incident that made me really paranoid. And I think this started my bipolar disorder. So I have pychosis, autism and bipolar which is a really nasty mixture. And I think I am a pretty hard case when it comes to my bipolar disorder like my grandma.
I am not resilient that's obivious. I break down even when I have to face mild stress. I had to abuse benzos to cope with half time college.
Though, there were things that happened in my life that did not traumatize me. I have the feeling I have core traumatas. And I am so deep into them that it is difficult for a new traumata to replace this. If something really bad happens my old traumatas just get worse.
As a teenager I watched some gore. I think there are way worse videos out there. Things that could have traumatized ((PTSD) me. And I read people who empathize with the shown people get easier traumatized by watching such content. From the explicit videos I can remembe I am still know the following. There was like an operation of someone who head was splitted. You didn't see everything and the video quality was bad but still pretty disturbing. I wonder how surgeons or undertakers cope having to see something like that on a daily basis even with performance pressure. The worst video was a beheading. The woman cried and cried and shouted it was horrible. The sound was the worst part I couldn't handle to hear her voice. This poor woman. I skipped through the video because it made me too nauseous. There was a video and I think it is still online on Youtube. How Budd Dwyer blowers his brain out. It is pretty explicit.
But none of these videos really traumatized me. I think though if I saw more horrible stuff I would have been traumatized. I always asked myself how it looks like when a train hits a person. But gladly I never watched that. I am following the media a lot and sometimes there are horror stories about accidents and stuff like that. Where I imagine in my head how it probably looks like. As teenager I had suicidal thoughts, was curious and it was an unhealthy coping mechanism. I realized and that's really good. This curiosity isn't good. And usually it is not worth it to watch such content. I think it is pretty unethical. But it is also horrible for one's mental health. I admit though I watched for example the assasination of Charlie Kirk. I wasn't sure how explicit the video was. And it was just shown to me when I scrolled through X. It is explicit but I think this could not traumatize me. However, I watched a Youtube video where someone showed a Youtuber who analyzed the Charlie Kirk assassination. And the guy had the assassination in a fucking loop. A few seconds for a couple of minutes on repeat. It was totally unnecessary. Even though, it was censored it still was disturbing to see.
In school I was bullied a lot. There was an incident that made me really paranoid. And I think this started my bipolar disorder. So I have pychosis, autism and bipolar which is a really nasty mixture. And I think I am a pretty hard case when it comes to my bipolar disorder like my grandma.
I am not resilient that's obivious. I break down even when I have to face mild stress. I had to abuse benzos to cope with half time college.
Though, there were things that happened in my life that did not traumatize me. I have the feeling I have core traumatas. And I am so deep into them that it is difficult for a new traumata to replace this. If something really bad happens my old traumatas just get worse.
As a teenager I watched some gore. I think there are way worse videos out there. Things that could have traumatized ((PTSD) me. And I read people who empathize with the shown people get easier traumatized by watching such content. From the explicit videos I can remembe I am still know the following. There was like an operation of someone who head was splitted. You didn't see everything and the video quality was bad but still pretty disturbing. I wonder how surgeons or undertakers cope having to see something like that on a daily basis even with performance pressure. The worst video was a beheading. The woman cried and cried and shouted it was horrible. The sound was the worst part I couldn't handle to hear her voice. This poor woman. I skipped through the video because it made me too nauseous. There was a video and I think it is still online on Youtube. How Budd Dwyer blowers his brain out. It is pretty explicit.
But none of these videos really traumatized me. I think though if I saw more horrible stuff I would have been traumatized. I always asked myself how it looks like when a train hits a person. But gladly I never watched that. I am following the media a lot and sometimes there are horror stories about accidents and stuff like that. Where I imagine in my head how it probably looks like. As teenager I had suicidal thoughts, was curious and it was an unhealthy coping mechanism. I realized and that's really good. This curiosity isn't good. And usually it is not worth it to watch such content. I think it is pretty unethical. But it is also horrible for one's mental health. I admit though I watched for example the assasination of Charlie Kirk. I wasn't sure how explicit the video was. And it was just shown to me when I scrolled through X. It is explicit but I think this could not traumatize me. However, I watched a Youtube video where someone showed a Youtuber who analyzed the Charlie Kirk assassination. And the guy had the assassination in a fucking loop. A few seconds for a couple of minutes on repeat. It was totally unnecessary. Even though, it was censored it still was disturbing to see.
