Discussion Personality disorder sufferers, what is your experience?

[degeneratewaste]

Hi everyone,

I've been having mental health assessments for a couple of weeks now. I'm still nowhere near finished with it, but today I got told I show prevalent signs of someone who has a personality disorder. I'm completely new to the idea of this, and I don't really understand personality disorders in depth apart from a bit of light reading.

I have been told to review information on personality disorders before my next appointment. I have looked into it, and the information he gave me hinted heavily towards a suspicion of borderline personality disorder, but he did not specify.

So my question is, those of you with personality disorders, and particularly those with borderline; could you please tell me what your experience is with it below? (If you are comfortable, of course.) I would just like an insight into the life of some real people, rather than NHS pages, so that I can draw some comparisons. Any information is welcome.

Thank you so much.

 

[Deleted member 22624]

I think PDs are about dysfunctional ways of thinking, and ways of dealing with things, pervasive, life-long, usually starting in early adulthood. BPD is one of the ones that doesn't respond well to medication, and only some success with DBT therapy. Many PDs also have stigma, BPD is bad, second IMO only to the antisocial cluster like narcissistic PD.

 

[Life_and_Death]

Well last night I asked my friend to describe me. One of the things he said was moody. After googling it.... I can't disagree and that basically describes how dealing with my BPD is for me.

Well this and like milo said. It doesn't really respond to meds but you can take things like mood stabilizer a to help with the symptoms. And it is also a way of thinking. I can't say for sure but I know by talking to others my thought process is completely different.

 

[degeneratewaste]

Well last night I asked my friend to describe me. One of the things he said was moody. After googling it.... I can't disagree and that basically describes how dealing with my BPD is for me.

I totally understand the moodiness aspect. Thank you for your insight. Have you ever taken a mood stabiliser before?

 

[Life_and_Death]

I totally understand the moodiness aspect. Thank you for your insight. Have you ever taken a mood stabiliser before?

No. I've had 3 antiphychotics however now I'm not on anything because I'm too sensitive to medication

 

[BPD Barbie]

I have BPD and Bipolar. My experience with BPD over the last 10 years has been a roller-coaster. There are rapidly swinging moods, easily triggered by things like someone texting back in what you perceive to be a bad way, sudden urges to self harm, having a favourite person who is literally your entire world and you'll do anything to keep them but at the same time you wanna test them to see how much they actually love you back. The list can go on and on. I hope you don't have BPD. I wouldn't wish it on anyone to be honest, but if you do, DBT is the gold standard of treatment for it and has a good success rate. Good luck.

 

[ParasiteEOT]

If you look at the DSM it gives the 9 traits of BPD, but you only need to have 5 to be considered to have the disorder. Whilst I think the traits are relevant, I feel they describe the symptoms more than what it's like living with it day today. I find the emotional intensity graph more relevant to understanding the diagnosis. Here's a link to a video about it that I feel is quite helpful. https://www.sussexpartnership.nhs.u...ing-emotionally-unstable-personality-disorder
Hope that helps?

 

[esse_est_percipi]

I think the diagnostic criteria in psychiatry codified in official texts like the 'Diagnostic and statistical manual of Mental disorders' (DSM-5) serve a purpose other than simply to help and treat people.

I think people can experience a range of distressing mental states and states of mind, for which they may require help and therapy, but it is unhelpful, disempowering, reductive and dehumanizing to label and classify people as having 'disorders' as defined by an official body of 'knowledge' which also functions as a regime of power. I understand that others may see this differently, and find labels and names for their particular mental difficulties to be helpful for them, because it reifies and reductively simplifies an otherwise disparate and protean set of experiences.

A 'disorder' implies a standard 'order' against which the disorder is judged as falling short, defective and aberrant. This binary opposition is matched by others such as madness/sanity, abnormal/normal etc. This entails that those who are in positions of medical and political authority are ordered, sane and normal, and that by virtue of this they have the power and knowledge to cut the human mind and human behavior up into abstract compartments to either be eradicated or refashioned.
It's O'brien torturing and reducing winston to metaphysical dust in 1984.

The primary usefulness of these terms and diagnostic tools is actually to carve up a sociopolitical field or space to control populations, with biopower being the modus operandi, in such a way that when it comes to the localized point of a professional in an office applying these labels to individuals, the hegelian logical movement of 'ascending to the concrete' ("everywhere the abstract must constitute the starting point and the element in which and from which spread the particularities and rich formations of the concrete" -- hegel, science of logic) has been accomplished.

And a 'solution' is then proposed which primarily includes administering brain-altering drugs which often have devastating side-effects, the equivalent of chemical lobotomies. They're not cures, but band aids which make the users dependent on their continued use, which obviously involves a certain financial investment too.

It's not in the interests of big pharma to provide real cures for anything, just drugs which create cycles of dependency.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I have BPD and Bipolar. My experience with BPD over the last 10 years has been a roller-coaster. There are rapidly swinging moods, easily triggered by things like someone texting back in what you perceive to be a bad way, sudden urges to self harm, having a favourite person who is literally your entire world and you'll do anything to keep them but at the same time you wanna test them to see how much they actually love you back. The list can go on and on. I hope you don't have BPD. I wouldn't wish it on anyone to be honest, but if you do, DBT is the gold standard of treatment for it and has a good success rate. Good luck.

I have bpd and I feel like I wrote that word for word. It's a special kind of mental prison only others with bpd can understand what we go through. As far as DBT goes is that the type of therapy that tries to change your thinking and how you perceive things and the world? I'm way way too far gone in my trauma a negative thinking I'm afraid for any sort of therapy. A therapist have up on me because all I do is say how pointless life is and nothing matters...I feel so broken. I want to recover but I don't think it's for me. I can definitely say bpd played a huge part in ruining my life.

 

[fox21132113]

Having BPD feels like the whole world is too much. Too much to handle, too much pain that will never go away, too much crying... you get the point. I'm a successful high functioning quiet BPD, so I internalize everything. I'm on five different medications and TMS therapy. I'm desperate to change, but nothing can make my emptiness go away. I have felt this way since grade school, I'm 29 now. My parents didn't know what was wrong with me. They were alcoholics/drug abusers and I endured lots of trauma this way. I used to have anxiety attacks before bed as a child under 7 and anorexia tendencies . I had no idea what was happening to me and I was afraid. It's crazy how BPD starts this young.

I think the diagnostic criteria in psychiatry codified in official texts like the 'Diagnostic and statistical manual of Mental disorders' (DSM-5) serve a purpose other than simply to help and treat people.

I think people can experience a range of distressing mental states and states of mind, for which they may require help and therapy, but it is unhelpful, disempowering, reductive and dehumanizing to label and classify people as having 'disorders' as defined by an official body of 'knowledge' which also functions as a regime of power. I understand that others may see this differently, and find labels and names for their particular mental difficulties to be helpful for them, because it reifies and reductively simplifies an otherwise disparate and protean set of experiences.

A 'disorder' implies a standard 'order' against which the disorder is judged as falling short, defective and aberrant. This binary opposition is matched by others such as madness/sanity, abnormal/normal etc. This entails that those who are in positions of medical and political authority are ordered, sane and normal, and that by virtue of this they have the power and knowledge to cut the human mind and human behavior up into abstract compartments to either be eradicated or refashioned.
It's O'brien torturing and reducing winston to metaphysical dust in 1984.

The primary usefulness of these terms and diagnostic tools is actually to carve up a sociopolitical field or space to control populations, with biopower being the modus operandi, in such a way that when it comes to the localized point of a professional in an office applying these labels to individuals, the hegelian logical movement of 'ascending to the concrete' ("everywhere the abstract must constitute the starting point and the element in which and from which spread the particularities and rich formations of the concrete" -- hegel, science of logic) has been accomplished.

And a 'solution' is then proposed which primarily includes administering brain-altering drugs which often have devastating side-effects, the equivalent of chemical lobotomies. They're not cures, but band aids which make the users dependent on their continued use, which obviously involves a certain financial investment too.

It's not in the interests of big pharma to provide real cures for anything, just drugs which create cycles of dependency.

I am proud of you for this reply :) it's completely accurate and I agree with you

 

[cosimaniehaus]

I have skizoaffectiv personality disorder, it is kinda similar to skizophrenia , just a bit easier. I hear voices and im paranoid when i have anxiety. But not all the the time. Im really sorry that you have these kind of problems , it cant be easy.

 

[Xocoyotziin]

I could write a whole essay on what BPD is like and what I think the underlying mechanics are, and how it's a self-perpetuating cycle that can be broken, and I have before elsewhere. Maybe if I get around to it I'll copy and paste some longass thing if it's appropriate and it makes any sense. It's very hard to pin down in a paragraph or two.

But the gist of it is that my emotional states are powerful, quick to rise, fleeting and tangential, meaning that I get locked in a pattern where I feel something about the feeling on and on in rapid succession until my state of mind is divorced from the actual issue at hand. There's a constant gear shifting that dominates my thought processes and it is very difficult to exert conscious control while it's happening. Basically my emotions seize control of me in the moment so that I can't think outside of them, and it's all but completely involuntary. There's also an accompanying uncertainty about whether or not I can trust what I'm feeling after the fact.

That alone imo isn't enough to constitute BPD as I understand it. That's just a kind of generic hypersensitivity that can develop into greater malignancy but doesn't always. BPD is characterized, in my experience, by self- or other-inflicted psychic wounds from the fallout of being in such states, which are usually invisible to onlookers or are interpreted by them as manipulative gestures, and are distressing enough to predispose me to having another state, creating a deepening well of low self-worth and instability. In spite of the supposed inability for self-reflection that's considered to be part and parcel with BPD, I think it, and its distortion, are necessary and integral components of it.

The rest of typical BPD pathology I think are common defense mechanisms against these central issues, rather than a cloud of loosely associated behaviors that exists on the same causal level. Splitting, favorite person seeking, denial, mimicry, etc. They become deeply ingrained and instinctive reactions.

I haven't been diagnosed but I know myself well enough that I don't need to be. But like someone else said, if I were you I wouldn't get too hung up on fitting the label except as a reference point for comparing and contrasting your personal experiences and what research there is into it. Take your behaviors for what they are, don't take on behaviors that are expected by any possible diagnosis. It just happens to fit me to a T which is why I pay so much attention to it.

I've also heard it's not a good diagnosis to have because it ensures that just about any "mental health 'professional'" will distrust anything you say or do right off the bat and through suggestion they'll be exhausted by you before you even do anything that could exhaust them. There is a lot of hatred for BPD out there in a similar vein as NPD or ASPD and people will often typify you before you open your mouth.

EDIT: Aaaand I wrote a longass essay anyway . But I can go more in depth than this if need be.

 

[madbananas]

Stigma... so much stigma. Feeling completely misunderstood all the time. It's hell. Also seems to give others a permission to treat me as they wish at times. And I mean stuff that most people would typically be unhappy about. But because I get more tearful about it, it frequently comes down to me being "overly upset" rather than any accountability on anyone else's part. I've also started to realise how my experiences in childhood have resulted in the way I respond to things now. So I don't really like being told my personality is disordered (BPD). I'm aware some people are happy enough with the label and I respect that, but I don't like it, personally.

 

[MrBigSad]

I had 3 psych assessments. None of them have said I'm bipolar. But the last mental health nurse I talked to I went from being manically happy to severely depressed over the space of 5 minutes.

And she said she didn't think I was bipolar because it "doesn't happen that quick"

So after seeing doctors and psychologists over the space of months I still don't have an official diagnosis. I'm almost certain i have a personality disorder as I can switch from being in utter bliss to wanting to kms. But no one has given me an official diagnosis.

 

[Mentalmick]

I have an avoidance pd and schizoid pd. The first makes me go to extremes to avoid situations I find stressful or uncomfortable. The second makes me come across as cold and uncaring, kind of like Data in Star Trek TNG. I'm not, I just don't know how to react. It's the same when someone I know dies I don't know how to react.

 

[Squiddy]

It's pure hell. The mood swings are constant and intense, the urges to cut grow more and more until you can no longer resist, abandonment issues are bad, the suicide thoughts come in waves a lot and etc.

 

[Water-Lily]

Borderline is a hellish experience. With so much to go into I will do my best to explain

1) Black and White thinking: My brain views people and situations around me in extremes. If I meet someone that I get along with my mind says "omg this person is amazing! They are 100% perfect and will be your bff for life!". Even though I know nothing about this person beyond a simple conversation, but drive and anger for attention pushes my mind into an extreme. There is also the case where a person hurts my feelings. My mind says "OMG that person is horrible. They are nasty, abusive, and terrifying! Just like your abusive mother once was. You deserve better cut that person out of your life!". Instead of analyzing the situation and attempting to converse with the person about my issues, my mind jumps to an extreme. It often clouds my judgement as I can go from a happy extreme to that of a angry suicidal one in a span of minutes

2) Taking things Personal: With my BPD I always assume that if a person seems upset, mad, or just tired, I am to cause. I did something wrong. I think this goes back to how my very fiber of existence was shamed and abused by my mom. I could very well stay in one room for too long before I am called a burden. So I project that onto other people

3) Self Hate: I hate myself. I really fucking do. Everyday I think of how horrible I am. I fail a quiz? I myself. I lash out at someone? I hate myself? I do something as simple as drop a pencil? I hate myself. I call myself a retard, dumbass, idiot, and even racial slurs (I am POC). All coming from abuse

4) Suicidal Ideation: I cannot have one day where I am not passively suicidal. I have moments where I can be sitting down and thinking "I want to die" or "I deserve to die". Suicide became a part of my life starting at 13 when the abuse really took a toll on me. I even had my mom tell me to die. So I figured, why not? I must be worthless. I must be a problem child. I also have no escape so suicide is the perfect way to get out. of an abusive situation. Sometimes I wish I ended my life at 13 just so I could know how my mom felt.

5) Overly Self Critical: Many people both online and offline do not see me as abusive. But I view myself as a monster. Whenever I lash out or hurt someone, I label myself as the abuser my mom was

There is a lot I am sure I am missing out. But this is my reality. This is a disorder I wish on nobody. It is hell and I sometimes wish I bullet could take my life so I can be at peace.

 

[Squiddy]

Borderline is a hellish experience. With so much to go into I will do my best to explain

1) Black and White thinking: My brain views people and situations around me in extremes. If I meet someone that I get along with my mind says "omg this person is amazing! They are 100% perfect and will be your bff for life!". Even though I know nothing about this person beyond a simple conversation, but drive and anger for attention pushes my mind into an extreme. There is also the case where a person hurts my feelings. My mind says "OMG that person is horrible. They are nasty, abusive, and terrifying! Just like your abusive mother once was. You deserve better cut that person out of your life!". Instead of analyzing the situation and attempting to converse with the person about my issues, my mind jumps to an extreme. It often clouds my judgement as I can go from a happy extreme to that of a angry suicidal one in a span of minutes

2) Taking things Personal: With my BPD I always assume that if a person seems upset, mad, or just tired, I am to cause. I did something wrong. I think this goes back to how my very fiber of existence was shamed and abused by my mom. I could very well stay in one room for too long before I am called a burden. So I project that onto other people

3) Self Hate: I hate myself. I really fucking do. Everyday I think of how horrible I am. I fail a quiz? I myself. I lash out at someone? I hate myself? I do something as simple as drop a pencil? I hate myself. I call myself a retard, dumbass, idiot, and even racial slurs (I am POC). All coming from abuse

4) Suicidal Ideation: I cannot have one day where I am not passively suicidal. I have moments where I can be sitting down and thinking "I want to die" or "I deserve to die". Suicide became a part of my life starting at 13 when the abuse really took a toll on me. I even had my mom tell me to die. So I figured, why not? I must be worthless. I must be a problem child. I also have no escape so suicide is the perfect way to get out. of an abusive situation. Sometimes I wish I ended my life at 13 just so I could know how my mom felt.

5) Overly Self Critical: Many people both online and offline do not see me as abusive. But I view myself as a monster. Whenever I lash out or hurt someone, I label myself as the abuser my mom was

There is a lot I am sure I am missing out. But this is my reality. This is a disorder I wish on nobody. It is hell and I sometimes wish I bullet could take my life so I can be at peace.

I relate to the hating myself. Though I used to hate myself a lot more in middle school and I used to hate my skin color too (I'm a POC too). Now I don't mind my skin color, but I do still hate myself

 

[Water-Lily]

I relate to the hating myself. Though I used to hate myself a lot more in middle school and I used to hate my skin color too (I'm a POC too). Now I don't mind my skin color, but I do still hate myself

Nice to find another POC here. I'm black specifically.
I have a lot of guilt with my skin color. For one my mom hated her color. She one time tried to bleach her skin because she was constantly bullied for being "too dark". I never really experienced much racism in my life (till I started online dating) though I feel guilty for who I am. Like, I was picked on by other black kids for not being "black enough" and "acting white"

 

[Squiddy]

Nice to find another POC here. I'm black specifically.
I have a lot of guilt with my skin color. For one my mom hated her color. She one time tried to bleach her skin because she was constantly bullied for being "too dark". I never really experienced much racism in my life (till I started online dating) though I feel guilty for who I am. Like, I was picked on by other black kids for not being "black enough" and "acting white"

I'm also black and I relate to that too. I was also bullied for not being black enough and other things too. The first time I experienced racism was in first grade when this one boy told me I couldn't come to his birthday because I was black (I told my mom who told the school and he got into a lot of trouble for saying it)

 

[AtLeastThere'sSalad]

When I was 13, I was diagnosed with chronic psychotic symptoms and a possible cluster B personality disorder. I fit pretty much the entire description in the DSM-5 for Borderline Personality Disorder. It's honestly great to somewhat know why I am the way I am. Personality disorders basically mean you have deep-rooted and unusual issues with how you think, interpret others, react to problems, and express yourself. BPD is basically a pattern of instability within emotional regulation, relationships, self image, dangerous behaviors, and general unpredictability. We're especially afraid of being abandoned. Personally, I've attempted suicide because I hadn't seen someone close to me in a long time and they didn't recognize me immediately. My emotions are so volatile, and my self image is all over. Sometimes I hate myself, other times I love me for who I am, and sometimes I think I'm superior to everyone else. It's not consistent. I've also considered breaking up with my partner because I didn't want them to leave me first. No matter how much someone tells me they love me, sometimes I'm 100% convinced they secretly hate me. I also get psychotic symptoms and dissociate. Most of my paranoia is caused by my BPD as well. Basically, I can't trust myself. It's hard to deal with, even with meds and weekly therapy because I go from 0-100 so fast.

 

[Water-Lily]

I'm also black and I relate to that too. I was also bullied for not being black enough and other things too. The first time I experienced racism was in first grade when this one boy told me I couldn't come to his birthday because I was black (I told my mom who told the school and he got into a lot of trouble for saying it)

Thank god he got into a lot of trouble. I have no tolerance for racism at all *hugs*

 

[Squiddy]

Thank god he got into a lot of trouble. I have no tolerance for racism at all *hugs*

Me either *hugs* also in elementary school, some people would tell me white people couldn't date black people

 

[Firegirl]

BPD feels really difficult to handle. Although its almost a blessing and a curse simultaneously because you have a lot of love in your heart and you feel everything really intensely, but I'm sure that you can see how that could also be negatively impactful.

 

[darkcirclesunder]

I have symptoms of covert narcissism. I basically get jealous of people having certain lifestyles and things that i dont have, such as upper middle class lifestyles, certain looks, being apart of hookup culture, having a family that deeply cares for another, people with partners, even though i know at the end of the day, i know that to these people it feels like nothing special and just another day to them and they are still empty, because nothing in this world can truly satisfy us, my covert narc side envies and blames them for me not being apart of their lives, when really i didnt want to express myself or face the possibility of rejection, albeit they never wanted me in their lives or they would of made a sincere effort.

 

[hamvil]

I have BPD and Bipolar. My experience with BPD over the last 10 years has been a roller-coaster. There are rapidly swinging moods, easily triggered by things like someone texting back in what you perceive to be a bad way, sudden urges to self harm, having a favourite person who is literally your entire world and you'll do anything to keep them but at the same time you wanna test them to see how much they actually love you back. The list can go on and on. I hope you don't have BPD. I wouldn't wish it on anyone to be honest, but if you do, DBT is the gold standard of treatment for it and has a good success rate. Good luck.

Curious, indeed I was also obsessed with a person but kept doing tests on her to see how much she loved me back. Suffice to say that it was a disaster in the end, people do not like to be probed in that way.