ctb★prince
villain otd
- Jul 7, 2023
- 110
this site is everything i couldve dreamt for, ive been dealing with a certain issue for so long, and every other forum kept turning me down, noone knows what to say besides pitying me, this is an edited version of what i wrote months ago,
warning for abuse and animal death
"firstly, i know perfectly well that putting yourself on the internet is dangerous, but im desparate enough to not care about my safety anymore. none of my friends know how to help, and i dont want to be an emotional burden to people i know.
secondly, i dont need validation or people feeling sorry, i dont want to go to court, a family therapist is hardly an option, i just need to be guided on what exactly to say since im currently on a real minefield when it comes to what i say, or at least please tell me who to turn to.
my father is a narcissist (NPD), autistic (ASD) and he probably also suffers from OCD and depression, all same as me, neither of us are officially diagnosed with any of those (except for my med d for depression and ocd) because he refuses to get either of us any treatment, no matter how much i beg, he insists on psychology being fake, and not that i agree with him, but its true that my previous theraphists either didnt care at all, were uneducated, or even straight up moved towns in search for a better pay cancelling my treatment process out of the blue (i dont blame them obviously, but being left behind by what seemed to be my last hope did kind of hurt). it doesn't help that my father is also illiterate, he constantly embarasses himself on the internet trying to argue with strangers online while making countless spelling and factual mistakes (i offered helping him with it but what he says online is either just untrue or immoral), the only books that he reads are the ones about his special interest and passion - sailing, or rather, these are the only books that he buys, they all lay around the house and collect dust, but i digress, the point is that he doesn't know much, doesn't want to know more, and thinks he knows all.
my father is highly abusive, he used to beat me up (belt, hands, and even forcing me to bathe in and eat animal feaces, creative stuff), i was already a teenager at that time he stopped, ive also been a witness to him hitting my mother. (it turned out that shes a pathological liar, and i considered her the most normal in this family, she's no help)
he rarely hit my younger brother though, he didnt discipline him in any way really, to this day he sees him as "the better child", the one who will be successful, the one who's worth something, no surprise that at 15 he was smoking, getting back home drunk and throwing up his insides out, and started leaning into the facist territory, having my brother around is just one of the reasons as to why im looked down upon and my words have no value in this house.
from what ive learned, what my father is doing is a part of a generational trauma that he for some reason refuses to break the cycle of.
with all other details aside, i mentioned animal doodoo earlier, i grew up around animals all my life and have loved them since the very moment i was born, the ones ive been the closest to were cats, more precisely an accidental cat breeding farm (?) not sure how to call it since they werent actively breed, there was just like 20 of them at the same time, (from what i know the backstory was that there was a guy who had a bunch of cats, and my parents got all of them, including some that were pregnant, out of their good heart and not wanting to leave any behind, and mind you, we lived in an apartment, not a house at the time, so things were lively to say the least), at some point they began giving the kittens away and we were left with just three, i loved them with all my might, especially a very chubby male who was my bestest friend ever, he was second of the three to go. for a couple of years we lived with just one, and we all grew very close to her, she was very shy, always hiding somewhere, very small and sick, and opened up only after she was the last one standing, we were heartbroken after her passing, i cried with no end, because she was the last thing that i valued my life for, i even promised myself that if she goes, i go too - thankfully, after some time has passed, we were blessed, one of my teachers at the time had a little kitten up for adoption, i immediately volunteered, half-jokingly, because i was expecting a hard definitive no from my father, for some mysterious reason he agreed though, and he even brought another kitty in so they could be friends, and all seemed like it was going to be perfect from now on, but of course it wasnt,
-firstly, i didnt even get to name my own cat,
-secondly, we were in the process of moving out, and i was very surprised to learn that the previous owners were so dedicated to letting their pets out that the entire house has cat doors installed everywhere
-thirdly, while helping my father renovate said house, i was, oh so very kindly informed that my cat would also become an outside cat, and just so you know, our previous house was catproofed, and ive never ever heard about my parents wanting to change that, also at that time both my parents knew about my OCD (the paranoia part) very well, they also knew about all the times that i stayed up late helping my friends look for their cats and later cheering them up when they were grieving after finding them ran over or poisoned, so, a very considerate decision (sarc) that i would highly appreciate being made in my presence, and well, to give my father some credit here, he does genuinely believe that i knew about this since before he even agreed to getting the cat, the problem is, we didnt talk to eachother back then, not even a hello, not even a "pass me the salt", so i can only guess who in hell he talked to then.
getting to my current main issue, hes now religiously fixated on letting the cats out, no leash, no supervision, he believes and often repeats that they should kill and be killed, contantly, like a cartoon villain, and that im a "crazed liberal" for wanting to "imprison" these animals that we agreed to take care of, that theyre not happy at home and that im ruining his dream of having a perfectly healthy outside cat that loves him as an owner unconditionally, and that its my fault that the cats dont want to cuddle with him, now get this:
1. i am (was) currently out with my cat, on a leash, at the time of writing this, because he likes the outside, and no matter how much i hate it, no matter how allergic i am to all the pollen, no matter how much it overstimulates me - i will go out with my kitty if he so demands and i have the means to do so,
2. my father has hit and would hit again both of the cats for misbehaving if i didnt step in, ,
3. my fathers sees animals the same as humans, not better, not worse, the exact same (trying to dyscypline them like a human, comparing going out to being on your phone, and most importantly - thinking that they have the same mental capability as an adult human) (update, he sees both animals and humans as programmed toys, he gets angry when i have my own feelings, when i show that im hurt, he gets mad at the cats for not wanting to be close to him)
4. my cat is sick, major breathing problems, shouldnt be left alone,
getting back to our relationship, i think that its no surprise that since i can hit back, i can also talk back, which doesnt come from privilege but rather pure defeat, all i can do at this point is scream and curse, nothing else has worked so im slowly turning to my primitive instincts, i also cant hide the fact that i don't love my father, i dont see him as a dad, truth to be told i hardly see him as a person, and i recently found out that these feelings are mutual on his end, and now it has gotten me to a point where im being threaten to be thrown out, or being beaten to death, from which the second one seems like heavenly salvation since my mental disabilities often prevent me from even waking up on my own, eating on my own, shit, there are times when i cant even tell if i need to pee, so as much as id love to run away from this house i wouldnt be able to live all on my own and theres noone who i could move in with either.
to finish it all, i might be in danger of being homeless or dead withing the next few months, but at the same time i want my father back, i want to believe in his redeeming qualities, because i know hes not bad to the core, i want to be a good child, i want to go out and have fun with my disfunctional family, i want us to love each other, i just dont know how to approach them about this and achieve it without also getting myself literally killed, and i dont know why am i ridiculed for wanting a happy family,
if anyone has any idea on how to deal with that, as simple or as complicated as possible, id love to hear it.
i was never taught anything about independence besides buying the groceries on my own, i dont know how to fill in a job application, i dont know how to get an appointment, nothing, i dont know who to turn to, where to look for guidance, this cat was supposed to be my therapeutic support animal, i want to take care of him so bad"
both cats were let out again yesterday, they dont even want to play anymore, they just want to go outside, they keep scrathing the door, they keep yelling, ive memorised the sound of every door closing and opening, i start panicking any time i hear them, i cant sleep, i dont want to leave my room, i want to forget about my pets and move on, i want to stop caring, i just love them too much, there was also a virus recently that kills cats, and for the first week my parents didnt care, they said i was overreacting and lying even when they mentioned the situation on the national television i dont know what to do, i just dont want them to be sick, i just dont want them to die, i dont even want to keep them inside, i just want them to be safe, i keep hurting myself because of how helpless i am, my throat is sore from yelling into the pillow, and lastly, sui isnt even an option for me right now, i know that barely anyone would cry, noone would change themselves if i was gone now, i cant let them win, i need to stay
warning for abuse and animal death
"firstly, i know perfectly well that putting yourself on the internet is dangerous, but im desparate enough to not care about my safety anymore. none of my friends know how to help, and i dont want to be an emotional burden to people i know.
secondly, i dont need validation or people feeling sorry, i dont want to go to court, a family therapist is hardly an option, i just need to be guided on what exactly to say since im currently on a real minefield when it comes to what i say, or at least please tell me who to turn to.
my father is a narcissist (NPD), autistic (ASD) and he probably also suffers from OCD and depression, all same as me, neither of us are officially diagnosed with any of those (except for my med d for depression and ocd) because he refuses to get either of us any treatment, no matter how much i beg, he insists on psychology being fake, and not that i agree with him, but its true that my previous theraphists either didnt care at all, were uneducated, or even straight up moved towns in search for a better pay cancelling my treatment process out of the blue (i dont blame them obviously, but being left behind by what seemed to be my last hope did kind of hurt). it doesn't help that my father is also illiterate, he constantly embarasses himself on the internet trying to argue with strangers online while making countless spelling and factual mistakes (i offered helping him with it but what he says online is either just untrue or immoral), the only books that he reads are the ones about his special interest and passion - sailing, or rather, these are the only books that he buys, they all lay around the house and collect dust, but i digress, the point is that he doesn't know much, doesn't want to know more, and thinks he knows all.
my father is highly abusive, he used to beat me up (belt, hands, and even forcing me to bathe in and eat animal feaces, creative stuff), i was already a teenager at that time he stopped, ive also been a witness to him hitting my mother. (it turned out that shes a pathological liar, and i considered her the most normal in this family, she's no help)
he rarely hit my younger brother though, he didnt discipline him in any way really, to this day he sees him as "the better child", the one who will be successful, the one who's worth something, no surprise that at 15 he was smoking, getting back home drunk and throwing up his insides out, and started leaning into the facist territory, having my brother around is just one of the reasons as to why im looked down upon and my words have no value in this house.
from what ive learned, what my father is doing is a part of a generational trauma that he for some reason refuses to break the cycle of.
with all other details aside, i mentioned animal doodoo earlier, i grew up around animals all my life and have loved them since the very moment i was born, the ones ive been the closest to were cats, more precisely an accidental cat breeding farm (?) not sure how to call it since they werent actively breed, there was just like 20 of them at the same time, (from what i know the backstory was that there was a guy who had a bunch of cats, and my parents got all of them, including some that were pregnant, out of their good heart and not wanting to leave any behind, and mind you, we lived in an apartment, not a house at the time, so things were lively to say the least), at some point they began giving the kittens away and we were left with just three, i loved them with all my might, especially a very chubby male who was my bestest friend ever, he was second of the three to go. for a couple of years we lived with just one, and we all grew very close to her, she was very shy, always hiding somewhere, very small and sick, and opened up only after she was the last one standing, we were heartbroken after her passing, i cried with no end, because she was the last thing that i valued my life for, i even promised myself that if she goes, i go too - thankfully, after some time has passed, we were blessed, one of my teachers at the time had a little kitten up for adoption, i immediately volunteered, half-jokingly, because i was expecting a hard definitive no from my father, for some mysterious reason he agreed though, and he even brought another kitty in so they could be friends, and all seemed like it was going to be perfect from now on, but of course it wasnt,
-firstly, i didnt even get to name my own cat,
-secondly, we were in the process of moving out, and i was very surprised to learn that the previous owners were so dedicated to letting their pets out that the entire house has cat doors installed everywhere
-thirdly, while helping my father renovate said house, i was, oh so very kindly informed that my cat would also become an outside cat, and just so you know, our previous house was catproofed, and ive never ever heard about my parents wanting to change that, also at that time both my parents knew about my OCD (the paranoia part) very well, they also knew about all the times that i stayed up late helping my friends look for their cats and later cheering them up when they were grieving after finding them ran over or poisoned, so, a very considerate decision (sarc) that i would highly appreciate being made in my presence, and well, to give my father some credit here, he does genuinely believe that i knew about this since before he even agreed to getting the cat, the problem is, we didnt talk to eachother back then, not even a hello, not even a "pass me the salt", so i can only guess who in hell he talked to then.
getting to my current main issue, hes now religiously fixated on letting the cats out, no leash, no supervision, he believes and often repeats that they should kill and be killed, contantly, like a cartoon villain, and that im a "crazed liberal" for wanting to "imprison" these animals that we agreed to take care of, that theyre not happy at home and that im ruining his dream of having a perfectly healthy outside cat that loves him as an owner unconditionally, and that its my fault that the cats dont want to cuddle with him, now get this:
1. i am (was) currently out with my cat, on a leash, at the time of writing this, because he likes the outside, and no matter how much i hate it, no matter how allergic i am to all the pollen, no matter how much it overstimulates me - i will go out with my kitty if he so demands and i have the means to do so,
2. my father has hit and would hit again both of the cats for misbehaving if i didnt step in, ,
3. my fathers sees animals the same as humans, not better, not worse, the exact same (trying to dyscypline them like a human, comparing going out to being on your phone, and most importantly - thinking that they have the same mental capability as an adult human) (update, he sees both animals and humans as programmed toys, he gets angry when i have my own feelings, when i show that im hurt, he gets mad at the cats for not wanting to be close to him)
4. my cat is sick, major breathing problems, shouldnt be left alone,
getting back to our relationship, i think that its no surprise that since i can hit back, i can also talk back, which doesnt come from privilege but rather pure defeat, all i can do at this point is scream and curse, nothing else has worked so im slowly turning to my primitive instincts, i also cant hide the fact that i don't love my father, i dont see him as a dad, truth to be told i hardly see him as a person, and i recently found out that these feelings are mutual on his end, and now it has gotten me to a point where im being threaten to be thrown out, or being beaten to death, from which the second one seems like heavenly salvation since my mental disabilities often prevent me from even waking up on my own, eating on my own, shit, there are times when i cant even tell if i need to pee, so as much as id love to run away from this house i wouldnt be able to live all on my own and theres noone who i could move in with either.
to finish it all, i might be in danger of being homeless or dead withing the next few months, but at the same time i want my father back, i want to believe in his redeeming qualities, because i know hes not bad to the core, i want to be a good child, i want to go out and have fun with my disfunctional family, i want us to love each other, i just dont know how to approach them about this and achieve it without also getting myself literally killed, and i dont know why am i ridiculed for wanting a happy family,
if anyone has any idea on how to deal with that, as simple or as complicated as possible, id love to hear it.
i was never taught anything about independence besides buying the groceries on my own, i dont know how to fill in a job application, i dont know how to get an appointment, nothing, i dont know who to turn to, where to look for guidance, this cat was supposed to be my therapeutic support animal, i want to take care of him so bad"
both cats were let out again yesterday, they dont even want to play anymore, they just want to go outside, they keep scrathing the door, they keep yelling, ive memorised the sound of every door closing and opening, i start panicking any time i hear them, i cant sleep, i dont want to leave my room, i want to forget about my pets and move on, i want to stop caring, i just love them too much, there was also a virus recently that kills cats, and for the first week my parents didnt care, they said i was overreacting and lying even when they mentioned the situation on the national television i dont know what to do, i just dont want them to be sick, i just dont want them to die, i dont even want to keep them inside, i just want them to be safe, i keep hurting myself because of how helpless i am, my throat is sore from yelling into the pillow, and lastly, sui isnt even an option for me right now, i know that barely anyone would cry, noone would change themselves if i was gone now, i cant let them win, i need to stay
