Hello everyone,
Hope you're all doing well (or as well as can be expected given the nature of this forum)! I'm posting here with an exploration/exposition of why I think I have struggled with suicidal ideation for the better part of my life. I would love to be able to reduce the prevalence of this habitual/compulsive ideation in my thought patterns as I think it's more harmful than helpful at this point. If any of this sounds familiar to you or you feel like you have any insight to offer, I would love to hear your thoughts.
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WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? A Primer and Thought Exercise
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Personal Summary:
-Early childhood NDEs (multiple, ~6-8 years old)
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I believe I have everything one could reasonably ask from life. I have a beautiful loving partner, a body with no major disabilities or health concerns, a well-paying job that is not physically taxing, and I live in a vibrant multicultural city. I have a close circle of peers with similar interests, senses of humour, and values.
Unfortunately I still struggle to derive enjoyment from almost all aspects of my life. I wake up dreading my work, then go home dreading my time to myself, then dread going to sleep because it will only bring the next iteration of this cycle. When I think about the future, I can only envision a featureless expanse of minor agonies. If you were to ask me what I look forward to at a randomly selected time of the day, I think 90% of the time I would struggle to come up with a single answer that genuinely engenders positive feelings. Not because I'm horrifically depressed, but because the state of 'positive anticipation' seems so foreign now.
I don't think I'm alone; negative anticipation has a clear and universally understood word in 'dread', but positive anticipation has to resort to the unwieldy 'look forward to'. Surely one comes more naturally to the average psyche than the other?
The suicidal ideation is worst when unoccupied and undistracted, or when doing something I actively dislike (like working). I think it's a coping mechanism that allows me to persevere through unpleasant experiences and periods in my life - I believe it's comforting because thinking about/anticipating death conveys 2 things: that relief is inevitable and that the problems I'm experiencing are irrelevant in the long run. Specifically, it conveys these things to my lizard hindbrain emotionally, forcefully, and with immediacy.
I think it has become maladaptive because I can't help but also apply this to positive and pleasant experiences as well. Delicious food is a minor distraction; cosmically adjacent to dust and ashes as is my gangrenous flesh (figuratively speaking; I am quite healthy objectively speaking). It makes sense that I would have difficulty pivoting my mindset from yearning for death during an activity I detest, to being grateful for life and living during an activity I enjoy, e.g. eating a delightful toothsome morsel. I think this effect is exacerbated by my antidepressants which blunt physical sensations and reduce desire+satiation of desires.
I've been on the carousel of psychotherapy; indulged in my smorgasbord of modalities and therapists. I've yet to find one that seemed to produce any noticeable benefits.
I don't believe in an afterlife anymore - just the relief of nothingness, the prospect of which is perennially a soothing balm to any kind of angst, anxiety, or apprehension in myself.
I'd like to become more resilient, which to me, means being able to endure unpleasant tasks, the monotony of life, times of pain, and the like, without having to resort to looking forward to the void. Is it possible for someone conditioned from an early age to do so?
Thanks for reading; sending you peace and love!
Hope you're all doing well (or as well as can be expected given the nature of this forum)! I'm posting here with an exploration/exposition of why I think I have struggled with suicidal ideation for the better part of my life. I would love to be able to reduce the prevalence of this habitual/compulsive ideation in my thought patterns as I think it's more harmful than helpful at this point. If any of this sounds familiar to you or you feel like you have any insight to offer, I would love to hear your thoughts.
======================================
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? A Primer and Thought Exercise
======================================
Personal Summary:
-Early childhood NDEs (multiple, ~6-8 years old)
-Awareness of death coloured formative years
-Clear 'sticky'/persistent memories of knowing/being utterly convinced that I would be dead in a few seconds, complete powerlessness, knowledge that no help would arrive
-Accepting that in the moment and coming to terms with it, then unexpectedly surviving and having to live the rest of my life
-Religious upbringing:-Instillment of guilt+development of guilt as primary motivational emotion
-Sense of chronic rejection/insufficiency/sinfulness
-Early establishment of personal mythology of 'death as paradise', 'at His right hand pleasures eternal' etc. etc. that remains even after leaving the church as an adult
-Current medication regimen:-Stimulant for ADD/low motivation:
-Prescribed effects include the ability and motivation to focus at school/work, the ability to function as an adult human being, and the ability to acquire financial security for myself
-Side-effects include low energy and lack of motivation when not taking medication (i.e. off working hours, weekends)
-Anxiolytic antidepressant:
-Prescribed effects include 'tightening' of mood swings (i.e. reducing crash from stimulant meds), reduced anxiety, reduced rumination
-Side-effects include fatigue, anhedonia, tendency to dissociate, blunted emotional response
======================================
I believe I have everything one could reasonably ask from life. I have a beautiful loving partner, a body with no major disabilities or health concerns, a well-paying job that is not physically taxing, and I live in a vibrant multicultural city. I have a close circle of peers with similar interests, senses of humour, and values.
Unfortunately I still struggle to derive enjoyment from almost all aspects of my life. I wake up dreading my work, then go home dreading my time to myself, then dread going to sleep because it will only bring the next iteration of this cycle. When I think about the future, I can only envision a featureless expanse of minor agonies. If you were to ask me what I look forward to at a randomly selected time of the day, I think 90% of the time I would struggle to come up with a single answer that genuinely engenders positive feelings. Not because I'm horrifically depressed, but because the state of 'positive anticipation' seems so foreign now.
I don't think I'm alone; negative anticipation has a clear and universally understood word in 'dread', but positive anticipation has to resort to the unwieldy 'look forward to'. Surely one comes more naturally to the average psyche than the other?
The suicidal ideation is worst when unoccupied and undistracted, or when doing something I actively dislike (like working). I think it's a coping mechanism that allows me to persevere through unpleasant experiences and periods in my life - I believe it's comforting because thinking about/anticipating death conveys 2 things: that relief is inevitable and that the problems I'm experiencing are irrelevant in the long run. Specifically, it conveys these things to my lizard hindbrain emotionally, forcefully, and with immediacy.
I think it has become maladaptive because I can't help but also apply this to positive and pleasant experiences as well. Delicious food is a minor distraction; cosmically adjacent to dust and ashes as is my gangrenous flesh (figuratively speaking; I am quite healthy objectively speaking). It makes sense that I would have difficulty pivoting my mindset from yearning for death during an activity I detest, to being grateful for life and living during an activity I enjoy, e.g. eating a delightful toothsome morsel. I think this effect is exacerbated by my antidepressants which blunt physical sensations and reduce desire+satiation of desires.
I've been on the carousel of psychotherapy; indulged in my smorgasbord of modalities and therapists. I've yet to find one that seemed to produce any noticeable benefits.
I don't believe in an afterlife anymore - just the relief of nothingness, the prospect of which is perennially a soothing balm to any kind of angst, anxiety, or apprehension in myself.
I'd like to become more resilient, which to me, means being able to endure unpleasant tasks, the monotony of life, times of pain, and the like, without having to resort to looking forward to the void. Is it possible for someone conditioned from an early age to do so?
Thanks for reading; sending you peace and love!
