Permission to Relapse (SH)

[Okokaykay]

I know that no one can tell me its okay to self harm- Obviously thats impossible and I'm surrounded by good people, but I feel like I'm going insane. I'm so torn between guilt and wanting to do something irreversible to myself. I can't take this feeling anymore. I want everything to end, I want to make everyone hate me so I can self destruct in peace. I want someone to tell me that it's okay if I hurt myself.

I'm constantly in such a weird limbo where I have all the support and care a person could ask for, and yet I'm still overwhelmed and struggling with daily tasks. I can't do much beyond my bedroom without panicking. I can't make friends or feel motivated to maintain connections- I'm pathetic and selfish and don't deserve to live.
I have everything I could have wanted years ago and yet I'm still unhappy. I still feel so out of place and like I wasn't made to exist.
Its been 6 weeks since I last hurt myself and it's only getting harder.
I'm supposed to be getting better, but I don't want to be here at all. I am so selfish.

 

[card1nal]

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this right now!! Fighting the urge to self-harm sucks so bad. When things get bad, I feel like my body is literally anticipating the pain and I sometimes get phantom feelings of self-harming, so I can understand how hard it is.

I promise though, that trying to wait through this period and not self-harming feels so gratifying. There is so little control we have over anything in the world, but self-control is one thing we do have!

I'm so sorry you're struggling, and don't try to belittle your struggles. You are not pathetic, and you are by no means selfish! I'm really proud of you for having gone so long without self-harming, even though I don't know you. It is not a small feat! Getting better is not easy, but the fact that you are trying this hard means something. It's normal to not feel like you are succeeding in healing- it is a messy process.

I'm really happy you have good people around you who care for you! Talking about your thoughts of self-harm to them may lead to them trying to interfere by hospitalizing you or something, so definitely only do that if you think it's something that could benefit you. But, do you think you could talk to them about your negative self-image or feelings of being unhappy? Or even maybe ask them to help you out in areas of life that you're struggling with, like asking for help with daily tasks? I know reaching out and asking for help is hard, but having a supportive group to help you is not always easy to come by. I'm sure they would love to help you!

 

[dolemitedrums]

I believe in your ability to get through this stage without self harming.

 

[Ash]

You're not selfish.

You're not a better or worse person no matter what you decide.

Obviously there will be consequences if you choose to self harm. If you don't mind, I can share a personal experience. I am actively self harming at present. I recently decided to up the ante but taking aspirin to make it harder for my blood to clot. I thought I did the responsible thing and checked to see if it would interact negatively with the numerous meds I'm taking as I don't want to be physically unwell. However, I failed to anticipate one consequence, which was being left with an extremely painful gastric acid thing which has been torturing me nearly every day and most nights for over a week now. I can't eat anything except toast and cream crackers without setting it off. I got what I wanted from the blood thinners but if I'd known this was the payment, I would have stayed well away. And from the look on my doctor's face, I don't think I can ever risk doing it again. If the prescription doesn't kick in or out gets worse, the next stop will probably hospital. And by worse, she warned me that pooing or throwing up blood is highly likely considering how bad it is. So, yeah, there are the things you think about and then there the things you don't even know about. But now I know you have to take those into account as well.

At the end of the day, it's your life and nobody can nor should tell you what to do with it. But making decisions means accepting the responsibility for what happens afterwards. But it's most definitely not a judgement about your character and if anyone tells tries to tell you otherwise, send them here so I can tell them to fuck off.

 

[Okokaykay]

i appreciate the kind words i dunno, i just feel a little out of control lately. im scared of upsetting those closest to me

You're not selfish.

You're not a better or worse person no matter what you decide.

Obviously there will be consequences if you choose to self harm. If you don't mind, I can share a personal experience. I am actively self harming at present. I recently decided to up the ante but taking aspirin to make it harder for my blood to clot. I thought I did the responsible thing and checked to see if it would interact negatively with the numerous meds I'm taking as I don't want to be physically unwell. However, I failed to anticipate one consequence, which was being left with an extremely painful gastric acid thing which has been torturing me nearly every day and most nights for over a week now. I can't eat anything except toast and cream crackers without setting it off. I got what I wanted from the blood thinners but if I'd known this was the payment, I would have stayed well away. And from the look on my doctor's face, I don't think I can ever risk doing it again. If the prescription doesn't kick in or out gets worse, the next stop will probably hospital. And by worse, she warned me that pooing or throwing up blood is highly likely considering how bad it is. So, yeah, there are the things you think about and then there the things you don't even know about. But now I know you have to take those into account as well.

At the end of the day, it's your life and nobody can nor should tell you what to do with it. But making decisions means accepting the responsibility for what happens afterwards. But it's most definitely not a judgement about your character and if anyone tells tries to tell you otherwise, send them here so I can tell them to fuck off.

And I do hope you're able to have a smooth recovery, if at all possible. I used to take asprin too, but had no idea it could have that effect :c

 

[Ash]

i appreciate the kind words i dunno, i just feel a little out of control lately. im scared of upsetting those closest to me


And I do hope you're able to have a smooth recovery, if at all possible. I used to take asprin too, but had no idea it could have that effect :c

Thanks. And me neither. Always read the small print

 

[Okokaykay]

my stomach physically hurts due to urges. i feel so pathetic- i just want to say fuck it and make another attempt at partial. i need to get rid of this feeling
i hate myself i hate myself so much. im so pathetic

 

[Ash]

Repeat after me: "I am not pathetic"

 

[Okokaykay]

Repeat after me: "I am not pathetic"

lolol ur very sweet
im spiralling wahoo
im spiralling wahoo

 

[Cinnamorolls]

It's your body and all but I hope you decide not to. Besides the heath issues it can potentially cause, the scars left behind are hideous and hard to cover up. One thing I've heard of self-harmers doing that helps them with urges is having a rubber band on their wrist and snapping it down on the vein, which produces a similar sensation but doesn't cause permanent damage. Maybe you could do things like that instead.