Venting Permission to die

[kolski]

A long story in short, I want to die.

I'm just ready. I've had enough of life and all the bs it's put me through. I don't want other year of this; living like I'm already dead. I could do it now. Walk upstairs, put the noose around my throat and end it.

But, the thing stopping me is my horse. I know it probably sounds stupid, but I promised I would always be there for her. I've already let her down once, I can't do it again. So I guess you could say I'm living for her. It's hard. I just can't anymore y'know.I feel like I'm just waiting for permission to die.

I don't know what to do.

 

[wanttodie.nz]

Can you give your horse to someone else?

 

[TiredHorse]

Doesn't sound stupid to me at all: my horses were my mare-daughter and my grey brother. I could never have left them with their fates uncertain, and with them middle-aged when I got them, rehoming was too uncertain. CTB was off the table until they were gone.

Now the only thing I have to look forward to is the chance of seeing them on the other side. I miss them so damn bad...

I know it's thin comfort, but you have my admiration that you're dedicated to caring for your mare despite your own pain.

 

[Painted Bird]

I also don't think it's stupid at all, you are just feeling responsible and taking care of a dear friend.

 

[TAW122]

I had similar quandaries in life as well. Sometimes, I tell myself, I'll stay just a bit longer for the sake of x or whatever/whoever it is. But then ultimately, I still arrive at the conclusion if my pain is too great, then I'm going to go regardless of whatever it is holding me back. I simply cannot just stay for the sake for one thing if the pain does become unbearable. As of now, I don't have any dependents or any pets for the matter, I'm mostly friendless barring some acquaintances and what not. Family does keep in contact with me time to time, but not as oftenly as one would think, mainly during holidays or special occasions (birthdays and anniversaries). Though beyond that, I'm certain that outside of my close circle of people, no one would bat any eye or care much if I suddenly died. The most outsiders would do is feign care and compassion just to fill the status quo and look like a decent human being (harsh truth but it's the reality, moreso than people will admit it).

 

[DoneWithThis]

I don't feel it's weird or stupid at all. Something that loves and trusts you unconditionally. Something that you can care about without bring hurt or betrayed. I think that's beautiful. I'm sure that most of the people on here who have had pets or who have pets, feel closer to them then they do to the people in their lives. It's a pure and genuine bond without any strings attached. You picked them, and they picked you. I can imagine it would be heartbreaking to leave your horses. They didn't do anything, you don't to hurt them. I can definitely understand how this would complicate things for you wanting to CTB.

I should of gotten a couple of years ago. But I didn't because I've felt this way for a long time. And I knew I would find it unbeatable to leave it behind.

Hope you manage to find a solution that leaves you at peace. Big hugs.