permission to ban and/or kill me

[pretzelsandballoons]

I can't fuckign just sit around in silence and be a fuckign drunkass bum
I need to die
I need to fucking die
I emailed Samaritans:
im suicidal and a whore, im such a fucking slut

a few days ago there was this very cuddly cat
i stayed outside my apartment with him on my lap
i thought, this is it, i could still be redeemable
god is telling me to shut up again and make this work again

im in my home country to finish my studies bc I could do it right in the uk. here we have many stray cats and dogs
i was going to adopt him and I bought stuff from the pet store and on my way home I spotted a little black kitten near one of the corner shops

I couldn't believe it
The lady told me she found these kittens at the back somewhere of the corner shop, they've been neglected
skinny and their nails are long, the black kitten had lost its fur in some places
I don't remember if the other one also lost some fur but I remember it was orange

I've always wanted a little black kitten called tabitha
I would give them the world
I just wanted a sign thta I'm a good person
I would keep going
I took her in
I had her for a few days, she stayed in a laundry basket
I left her some food

I killed her

This is what I wrote to my online friend:
im terrible and i don't deserve anything, im twisted and sick. let me make it easy fo your : the kitten has worms but im pretty sure it's 90 percent my fault and 10percent warms, she still had food in her dish, oh. it's a he. I was going to feed her. I didn't know I couldn't bathe him. Im a moron, im fucking stupid. I thought he was fine I was going to feed him later, he stopped eating. He's in the vet now, critical decision
he could die
I'm trying to think if I left out anything else that's horrible of me
im fucking stupid okay?

it's only recently I've been trying to feel alive. Again
I haven't even enrolled in school here
I tried to kill myself last weekend
It was poor timing
I thought I could manage him
But it's the same kind of feelings i had when I neglected my second hamster at the end of her couple months
I left her in my care of my little brother and my dad, told them to just feed her
The cage stunk
Then she died
My little brother never got to hold her
I was 15 then
But that's no excuse
I did tell my two therapist before

I'm 20 and I'm actually like a fucking tall child
I deserve the death sentence

I'm sick and twisted

This gave me a sick and twisted reality check that I shouldn't ask for more, I should just isolate myself

I texted my dad tonight also
About how I want to come back to the uk and I'll just work at a fast food place
I'll spent my last remaining months sleeping in most days, working and drinking

I'm also an alcoholic
Why did I think I could manage a little black kitty
I'm fucking unstable for fucks sakes

I understand if im not allowed to use your service, im horrible after all.
And I did hear you guys' Emily service is international but I'm unsure
nevertheless
thank you,
I just wanted a little buddy who could follow me a round
Like an emotional support animal

Tonight I thought of throwing myself off the taxi
But my aunt's been looking after me just to get the hang of this place
And that would be traumatising
To add on, drink and drink and eventually jump off that bridge I've always wanted to jump off of

I drank some more
I only have like 2 shots left

I was crying and zoning out, staring into space
And sometimes when I get stresses i get pins and needles
My hands did that, I couldn't write on the piece of paper at the vet at first
I'm sick and twisted
I'm such a fucking whore
What a slit
Fucking slu
T
Whore
Slut
animal killer
animal hater
horrible person
asshole
piece of shit

I apologies this will be the last time I reply again
I wanted a saving grace you know?
A big fucking sign
But I'm still an asshole
If I'm being forgiven, forget it
It's hopeless
FCUK I'm so fucking drunk now
I'm going to keep calling my friend because of how sick and twisted I am
My online friend
What else is du,bass me missing
What lease do I have to mention
I'm a fucking idiot
Why did thinking moving here to my home country would be a good idea
I had to get out of that house in h uk somehow and fast
I hate my parents
But now I'm here dealing with other blood, my other relatives
I hate my aunt Wh o is taking care of me
At least I know how to deal with my parents, 85% knowing how to deal with them
Gods im a fucking moron

If ur in the uk or Philippines, you can kill me
Just kill me
Fucking kill me
I'm helpless
It's hopeless
It's better im gome
Just fucking
Idk
I don't deserve anything
Fucks sakes
I don't care what happens to me ahymroe
Just fucking kill me

I'm being a fucking bother again
If I work at a fast food place and isolate myself in my room, I wouldn't be hurting anyone anymore
Gods im such a shitbag

Godsi we'd a pretty alcohol
Fuck me
I wanna be back in ,y rol, androt like the adorable whore and slut I am
Jesus h Christ of Nazareth
Kill me
CAROLINE PLEASE KILL ME
im so fuckign done
Please
I wanna sh
Holy shit

 

[AmericanMary]

I can see your pain. I do. I did not read the entire thread, more so the start and end, and I am sorry for any pain life has given you.

I highly reccomend you rethink this thread tho. Commenting about being a "slut" and repeatedly asking someone in your country to hurt you could lead to a very very very bad situation.

 

[pretzelsandballoons]

Commenting about being a "slut" and repeatedly asking someone in your country to hurt you could lead to a very very very bad situation.

Thta's what I want
And it's what I deserver
It rlly truly doesn't matter what happens to me anymore
I need to get out of fucking limbo
And i deserver to die
I need death to come to me very soon

Thta's what I want
And it's what I deserver
It rlly truly doesn't matter what happens to me anymore
I need to get out of fucking limbo
And i deserver to die
I need death to come to me very soon

edit: I understand you have my best interest
But don't give sh,patchy to someone like me, im a horrible person and I'm a fucking shitbag asshole
Save your sympathy for someone who deserves jt

 

[pretzelsandballoons]

SH!!!!!! -
I sh a bunch a times :D.
yummy
I ||cut my thights a bunch of times it's so pretty and it's all so red, I used a razors, yumm pretty sexy cuts

I ran out of alcy walcy so imma sh sum more
Maybe I'll pase away
Or idk! Something happens!
Anything! Please!
Sober me is a horrible guy
Whta a cunt
P okay sayinaora o7

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I read your post and your comments. I'm sorry about the black cat and your misfortune. It's hard to know what to comment, you clearly seem hyper and in distress, some words on a website won't help much I figure...

I'm sorry

 

[pretzelsandballoons]

I read your post and your comments. I'm sorry about the black cat and your misfortune. It's hard to know what to comment, you clearly seem hyper and in distress, some words on a website won't help much I figure...

I'm sorry

HAHA
haha.
hah….
it's all good
I dot think there's nothing much anyone can do
Ijust need to put this putthere
A part of me just wants to be lovebombed or to be shunned.
no in between
ur right
and thank you for taking the time to read my silly posts
I'm fucking sorry too
I'm really sorry

 

[alltoomuch2]

I can't fuckign just sit around in silence and be a fuckign drunkass bum
I need to die
I need to fucking die
I emailed Samaritans:
im suicidal and a whore, im such a fucking slut

a few days ago there was this very cuddly cat
i stayed outside my apartment with him on my lap
i thought, this is it, i could still be redeemable
god is telling me to shut up again and make this work again

im in my home country to finish my studies bc I could do it right in the uk. here we have many stray cats and dogs
i was going to adopt him and I bought stuff from the pet store and on my way home I spotted a little black kitten near one of the corner shops

I couldn't believe it
The lady told me she found these kittens at the back somewhere of the corner shop, they've been neglected
skinny and their nails are long, the black kitten had lost its fur in some places
I don't remember if the other one also lost some fur but I remember it was orange

I've always wanted a little black kitten called tabitha
I would give them the world
I just wanted a sign thta I'm a good person
I would keep going
I took her in
I had her for a few days, she stayed in a laundry basket
I left her some food

I killed her

This is what I wrote to my online friend:
im terrible and i don't deserve anything, im twisted and sick. let me make it easy fo your : the kitten has worms but im pretty sure it's 90 percent my fault and 10percent warms, she still had food in her dish, oh. it's a he. I was going to feed her. I didn't know I couldn't bathe him. Im a moron, im fucking stupid. I thought he was fine I was going to feed him later, he stopped eating. He's in the vet now, critical decision
he could die
I'm trying to think if I left out anything else that's horrible of me
im fucking stupid okay?

it's only recently I've been trying to feel alive. Again
I haven't even enrolled in school here
I tried to kill myself last weekend
It was poor timing
I thought I could manage him
But it's the same kind of feelings i had when I neglected my second hamster at the end of her couple months
I left her in my care of my little brother and my dad, told them to just feed her
The cage stunk
Then she died
My little brother never got to hold her
I was 15 then
But that's no excuse
I did tell my two therapist before

I'm 20 and I'm actually like a fucking tall child
I deserve the death sentence

I'm sick and twisted

This gave me a sick and twisted reality check that I shouldn't ask for more, I should just isolate myself

I texted my dad tonight also
About how I want to come back to the uk and I'll just work at a fast food place
I'll spent my last remaining months sleeping in most days, working and drinking

I'm also an alcoholic
Why did I think I could manage a little black kitty
I'm fucking unstable for fucks sakes

I understand if im not allowed to use your service, im horrible after all.
And I did hear you guys' Emily service is international but I'm unsure
nevertheless
thank you,
I just wanted a little buddy who could follow me a round
Like an emotional support animal

Tonight I thought of throwing myself off the taxi
But my aunt's been looking after me just to get the hang of this place
And that would be traumatising
To add on, drink and drink and eventually jump off that bridge I've always wanted to jump off of

I drank some more
I only have like 2 shots left

I was crying and zoning out, staring into space
And sometimes when I get stresses i get pins and needles
My hands did that, I couldn't write on the piece of paper at the vet at first
I'm sick and twisted
I'm such a fucking whore
What a slit
Fucking slu
T
Whore
Slut
animal killer
animal hater
horrible person
asshole
piece of shit

I apologies this will be the last time I reply again
I wanted a saving grace you know?
A big fucking sign
But I'm still an asshole
If I'm being forgiven, forget it
It's hopeless
FCUK I'm so fucking drunk now
I'm going to keep calling my friend because of how sick and twisted I am
My online friend
What else is du,bass me missing
What lease do I have to mention
I'm a fucking idiot
Why did thinking moving here to my home country would be a good idea
I had to get out of that house in h uk somehow and fast
I hate my parents
But now I'm here dealing with other blood, my other relatives
I hate my aunt Wh o is taking care of me
At least I know how to deal with my parents, 85% knowing how to deal with them
Gods im a fucking moron

If ur in the uk or Philippines, you can kill me
Just kill me
Fucking kill me
I'm helpless
It's hopeless
It's better im gome
Just fucking
Idk
I don't deserve anything
Fucks sakes
I don't care what happens to me ahymroe
Just fucking kill me

I'm being a fucking bother again
If I work at a fast food place and isolate myself in my room, I wouldn't be hurting anyone anymore
Gods im such a shitbag

Godsi we'd a pretty alcohol
Fuck me
I wanna be back in ,y rol, androt like the adorable whore and slut I am
Jesus h Christ of Nazareth
Kill me
CAROLINE PLEASE KILL ME
im so fuckign done
Please
I wanna sh
Holy shit

Veterinarian here. You can bathe kittens as long as they don't get cold afterwards. The kitten was neglected, the shop owner said, and was found. So there was no trace of the mother. So maybe the mother had a fatal disease that was passed on to the kitten. Sadly kittens are vulnerable and if your kitten was neglected before you had him then he probably had other things wrong with him as well as the worms. You gave him a time when he was loved and cared for before whatever was wrong with him hit him hard. What you gave him was food, love and care, far more than he'd ever experienced in his little life before. Don't beat yourself up for being such a caring loving person. Ask anyone in the vet world, but when you take on a neglected uncared for very young animal the chances of them getting sick and even dying are much higher than one that had a better start in life, no matter how good your care once they are with you. It's not your fault. You did your best and that is awesome. Sending huge grateful hugs for being the best person, who didn't walk away from that little soul.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

You didn't kill that kitten. The kitten likely already had the odds against them before being in your care. You were also 15 at the time and your average 15-year-old isn't likely going to have the knowledge needed to nurse an already very neglected kitten back to health. They also may have already had some underlying health issues.

I don't know why you feel as though you are a slut, but even if you are one of them so what? That doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't say anything about your self-worth.

You haven't done anything worth beating yourself up over, it's just the alcohol fucking with you. Please try and get some rest and make sure to drink to a lot of water.

 

[pretzelsandballoons]

Veterinarian here. You can bathe kittens as long as they don't get cold afterwards. The kitten was neglected, the shop owner said, and was found. So there was no trace of the mother. So maybe the mother had a fatal disease that was passed on to the kitten. Sadly kittens are vulnerable and if your kitten was neglected before you had him then he probably had other things wrong with him as well as the worms. You gave him a time when he was loved and cared for before whatever was wrong with him hit him hard. What you gave him was food, love and care, far more than he'd ever experienced in his little life before. Don't beat yourself up for being such a caring loving person. Ask anyone in the vet world, but when you take on a neglected uncared for very young animal the chances of them getting sick and even dying are much higher than one that had a better start in life, no matter how good your care once they are with you. It's not your fault. You did your best and that is awesome. Sending huge grateful hugs for being the best person, who didn't walk away from that little soul.

okay
thank you
i cried to this
but idon't want to be forgiven
i keep disappointing everyone around me
he passed away, ill be heading over to the clinic in an hour to get his box or trying to figure out what to do yk

it's a very joyful thought to have something to love me no matter what
rather than receiving love thta's confusing

i dont know

im so sick of the people around me

i just want to be a cat
i just want something simple
i just don't want to keep bothering others
i want to go home
i just wanna be a girl who stays in her room most days

thank you again, this has ease some of the distress ive been feeling

 

[alltoomuch2]

okay
thank you
i cried to this
but idon't want to be forgiven
i keep disappointing everyone around me
he passed away, ill be heading over to the clinic in an hour to get his box or trying to figure out what to do yk

it's a very joyful thought to have something to love me no matter what
rather than receiving love thta's confusing

i dont know

im so sick of the people around me

i just want to be a cat
i just want something simple
i just don't want to keep bothering others
i want to go home
i just wanna be a girl who stays in her room most days

thank you again, this has ease some of the distress ive been feeling

You are very welcome. I wish more people were like you.

 

[pretzelsandballoons]

I don't know why you feel as though you are a slut, but even if you are one of them so what? That doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't say anything about your self-worth.
You haven't done anything worth beating yourself up over, it's just the alcohol fucking with you. Please try and get some rest and make sure to drink to a lot of water.

^~^ thanks jester
i know it's silly to say that the alcohol does help (most times ) but it does
im the problem LMAO
again, thank you for the kind words
i might kiss you on the mouth if u aren't too careful

going outside will help quite a bit, fresh air and all that
i can't rest anytime soon, i have things that need to be set in order