Periods of enjoying life

[NextSummer]

Anybody else here have moments or periods of time where they enjoy life and existence? And then fear that their suicidal ideation might be the result of a depression, a fragile and temporary state and that they will loose this suicide ideation and think positively about life again? I fear that all this might be a temporary depression and even though my life is in crisis, that I might not wanting to die and that just like millions of poor desperate people ending up wanting to "survive". Feeling joy in living becomes disturbing and I rather wish to be suicidal again, because there is little hope for a good life in future. Does ones life have to get more miserable to stay more suicidal? Anybody bothered by incoming feelings of joy of life?

 

[spanishguy22]

no

 

[Onomotopoeia]

I Expect that for most people suicidal ideation will pass. Most people want to live and for most people that is their default state and if their crisis passes and/or their life changes so does their mindset.

The there are other people like me, who simply lack the ability to feel joy. So i guess to answer your question no Im not bothered by incoming feeling of joy. It has never happened to me.

Some people are more prone to happiness than others and I wish I could know that. Everyone can have a hard life and get depressed and want to CTB. For most people, most of the time it will pass, except when it wont..

 

[JadedGray]

No, every year for me gets worse. I'm only afraid of how much worse my life will get if I don't hurry up and CTB.

 

[Alchemist]

Yeah, I was able to delude myself just enough for a few year, but the reality hit back and did it harder than the first time.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

No unlike most other people I have never been able to catch a break in life, I mean not to suffer from physical and mental pain for maybe just 1 week once in a while would be soooo nice! But I have never been able to get a break from any of it.

 

[Jake.123]

Yeah i get that aswell

 

[FrankieMay]

I feel exactly the same, I'm afraid of feeling joy. I think it's because, as they say, 'what goes up must come down'. I'd rather be down continuously than waiting for the happiness to end, at least there's a sense of control.
I feel like this now - ihave been on antidepressants since my last attempt (6 weeks ago) even though I haven't felt depressed. 3 days ago I was so close to completing but out of respect to my family I'm waiting for a certain date. I suddenly felt happier the next day. I feel angry and confused and unsure as the only thing I was sure of was that I would ctb on a set date and now I don't know. I don't have any other plan for my future
Eugh

 

[First loss]

Yes. I have my happy moments. Mostly when poisoning myself with cigarettes. They really calm me and make me happy.

 

[efilist]

I still like walking outside, it's the only thing that really makes me feel somewhat free, especially if it's in a woods with no people.

 

[FrankieMay]

I still like walking outside, it's the only thing that really makes me feel somewhat free, especially if it's in a woods with no people.

Yesssss I love that. Peace and quiet

 

[Kringle's Curse]

Yes. I'm starting to feel a little better and I don't really like it. Why be happy when I'm still the same worthless piece of human garbage with no future... it feels like a false sense of hope. Wish my attempt at partial suspension didn't fail 2 weeks ago.

 

[mutagen]

I enjoyed life until my chronic disease took over and started taking away functionality from my body. I took for granted the ability to live life freely moving without physical pain and anguish and did not realize how blessed I was. I reminisce about the past and I start to cry. I'll have to end my life while I am physically capable. Now, I'm not living but just exist. I want to live, but the never-ending physical pain and a high potential of being bedridden in the future are terrifying.

 

[Xaphous]

I'm fully aware I've never lived and not experienced most that people almost half my age have. That fake lingering feeling that I might live life a little keeps me very indecisive about going through with it. I've lost all my life though so it's unlikely I can ever be happy if I don't end it.

 

[CursedForDisaster]

I did. The last 3 years have been nothing but suffering though. I just can't deal with this life

 

[sunny.sativa]

I go through whole ass MONTHS of what feels like the most euphoric, introspective adventure I'll ever experience just because I'm alive.
It typically crashes pretty hard.

I have BPD, and I never know when I'll go through a depressive phase and when it'll come to piss on my parade again. I don't know if I'll try and die this time, or stick it out until the happiness comes again. Will the happiness even come again? I always ask myself these things. It's always changing. Sometimes it's day-to-day. One day I'm practicing partial-suspension in my closet and the next, I'm walking around downtown with my favorite heels on, singing audibly to Tom Petty, thanking Jesus for .. everything, idk.
I'm always so emotional, though. I don't feel anything unless it's WHOLESOME, does that.. make sense?
I.e., I don't feel happy, I feel elated
I don't get mad, I get pissed
When I'm upset, I don't break. I shatter.

My emotions are so scary and unpredictable.

TL;DR; they come and go. I'm always thankful for the good times.

 

[Ruffian]

Yes. I have my happy moments. Mostly when poisoning myself with cigarettes. They really calm me and make me happy.

I think I'll smoke right now, thank you very much. I actually thought about starting an off topic thread about how many people here are smokers. I think the happy times in my life just punctuate the overarching depression of most of my life. Like wow, that is just so out of reach now. I had simple dreams as a young person and wasn't interested in being rich or anything. I just thought wanting a meaningful career and a boyfriend was enough. I am grateful for the man I finally found, but goddamn working is so difficult. And I'm not lazy - I just can't get ahold of my temper and insomnia is just crushing the life out of me.