Venting period mood swings making me want to drop dead immediately

[monetpompo]

the usual evening post from me.

i'm thinking about ruining my life tonight or sooner than i should, even though i have plans this week to see my friends, i have to go to a birthday in december, and i have a christmas party that i already implied i would go to. i just don't care. i feel like weeping and going out into the cold woods to put my head in a noose. my friends are going to move away to their universities while i'll be stuck here and my parents are going to keep looking down on me because i don't have a license. i want to give up on working towards my license because i feel so frustrated that the brain fog from my depression doesn't shut off when i'm trying to focus. i just want to give up the way i give up on everything because i see no point when i'm the one fucking everything up. no one else is ruining my life except me. i'm the fuck up. i'm fucking my life up and people can just watch me act stupid.

it is so tiring to be alive and i just want it to stop. i want to stop feeling pain. i want to stop being mentally ill. i want to stop having mood swings and having periods. everyone is doing better than me. i just want to give up and torture myself because everything feels painful except deliberate pain i cause myself. i feel guilty because if i really wanted to die i'd do it tonight even though i have a headache from crying. if i was "serious", i'd take an uber to the woods with my backpack and go right now. but i'm not serious. i can't say that i'll kill myswlf tonight because i'd rather sleep. but tonight is another hard night and i just want to strangle myself until i fall unconscious. i'm sick of people telling me my life will get better or that i'm a young person because i don't care. i don't care about anything and i know that i'm a disaster. i want to scream and rip out my hair and punch myself until i get tired, but i'm already too tired. i want to hit myself over and over again until i get bruises and i want make up a story about getting hurt so that people feel sorry for me. when i feel so bad about myself the only thing that helps is me imagining myself dying so that i remember there's an end to this pain.

i don't want to work on my license anymore. i feel tired of it. no one gives a fuck about how shitty my life is if it's been shitty for months and months. i'm a whiny loser that wants attention. i want to rip out all my teeth. i want someone to realize how desperately i don't want to be alive and take me out of my misery. every night is the same but on my period i just want to die in any way possible. i hate that i was born a woman and that i'm trans. if i wasn't trans, maybe i wouldn't care as much. everyone still thinks i'm a girl because i don't tell them my pronouns. no one even knows that trans men exist besides chasers, so my skin crawls every time i have to explain my identity to someone. i just want to lay down on railroad train tracks and get gored. my head hurts. i can't tell a single person in my life how i feel because they're going to get annoyed by how bummed out i am when i can just "be happy". there's nothing to be happy about. everyone is leaving me and i can't leave my house because i can't drive. i just want to sleep all day until i lose track of what's real and fake, because it all blends together. i'm too old to be this dependent on my parents and too young for anyone in my life to take my depression seriously. no one understands that dying is better than spending every night wishing i would die.

 

[Chemi]

I hear you and your pain. Life has not been treating you well at all and it makes it incredibly hard to keep motivated to do even the smallest things if you struggle to see the point of it all.

I am trans myself. Trans women that is however. Started my transition at a very young age but still most of my family refuses to accept and see me the way i am.

Being constantly reminded that the absolute baseline of your personality, your gender, is something your "loved ones" dont even want to try to understand and accept is so freckin hard to deal with. In the end, how are you supposed to accept and live with yourself if the whole world seems to look at you with complete lack of understanding.

But please remember, at least here on this site. You can be your true self and we will support you with whatever you want to do with your life and body and i hope someday, you can find the same supportive environment in your real life. <3

 

[HangMan123]

This is so relatable. I'm also way too dependent on my parents and need to get my license. I took the knowledge test with my sister at the DMV a few weeks ago. I passed it without missing a single question but honestly wished I hadn't because I'm too cowardly to take driving lessons, lol. I'm too socially awkward and the dude who does it was my elementary gym teacher. Blegh. I want to be able to drive, though. All the other people my age have cars and I don't because I switched schools during driver's ed. Plus I can finally get away from everybody and end it.
Well, I'm oversharing. I feel part of your pain and wash you the best. And nice Madoka pfp.