Perhaps I wasn’t destined to be normal

[saturn1402]

a bit of my background: I was left in an orphanage at the age of 3. When I was 7 I was adopted by a foreign family and moved abroad. It was traumatic. Dad is an amazing man (although he was passive in front of my mothers abuse) but my mother was physically and mentally abusive (she suffers from big mental health issues). I lived in terror, isolated because they didn't have friends, they never liked to go out so I was always at home… I felt so lonely.

When I was 20, I moved abroad for university and left all that mess behind. I started a new life where I had great social life and a very happy life. I was actually so proud of myself because I managed to be a good person with no bad habits regardless of my past.

Fast forward 8 years later I met my ex and because I loved him very much I was terrified he might abandon me.. and I became abusive towards him, without realising it.
i look back at my behaviour in that relationship and realised I became like my mother. The relationship eventually ended in the worst possible way – which triggered me to have suicidal thoughts. I tried therapy and I found out I might have Borderline personality disorder. All the therapists told me it's not a surprise given my past.

I forgave my parents (both biological and adoptive ) and I have a good relationship with both sets of parents… although I don't blame them cause I know they didn't mean it, I feel such pain cause it feels like I wasn't destined to be normal , although I tried so hard….

 

[DivineSpark]

I always felt out of place, an outcast or something....I never had interest in normal stuff such as having family, career, kids.

 

[Crow_88]

I think that's a destiny shared by most here.

 

[i_hate_mirrors]

I understand that feeling of horror when you realize something is wrong with yourself, you are very aware of it, but you can't change it no matter how hard you try.
Only time can heal some trauma in some cases, even though that's not guaranteed.

Wish you the best..

 

[Rose Mine]

I feel that way. My diagnosis's have genes and environment play a role. It's like I was fucked from the start it was just waiting for anything to trigger it.

BPD is a terrible disorder though and I am sorry you have to experience that. The emotional pain is unimaginable to people without the disorder from what I saw from a friend I had and what I see online. I really hope you find peace, whatever that is to you <3

 

[ShackledSoul]

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."

- Krishnamurti