People's thought process about babies

[CallmeWill4719]

Hopefully this is the right category I think it relates to this because I doubt many people here will feel this way. My sister in particular said to me about having a kid you know leaving your mark on the world that sort of stuff. I've heard all sorts of stuff from people like that.

What about your legacy? Don't you want the joys of experiencing Parenthood? You don't have to have a lot of money to have a kid stuff like that. Yeah just all of this has always bothered me because you know even without the mentality that pretty much all of us here have, having a kid is expensive. What about all the kids out there that don't have homes or proper homes? Nobody ever thinks of stuff like that.

Tldr It's very rare for someone to tell me they want to experience Parenthood. Usually it's always about them they're legacy stuff like that

 

[Darkover]

we try our best that's all we can do

 

[Pluto]

 

[Namelesa]

Procreation is honestly so selfish to me, especially if its for thing like a "legacy". You can leave a legacy in other ways like through creating something, positively effecting people that are already here, other work or adoption. If you truly actually want to be a parent for the good reasons, go adopt. We should be trying to lessen the suffering that already exists, not add to it by creating new life, especially as we shouldn't force people into this mess as they don't suffer any consequences from not being born when if they exist they could potential suffer and regret being created in the first place.

 

[foreverstardust]

I think it's overwhelmingly selfish to have kids just because you want a legacy, and in fact having kids at all doesn't mean you won't be irrelevant in the end. When you have kids there are no guarantees, your kids could die young, they could hate you and make you miserable, they could choose not to have kids themselves so you still end up forgotten. I don't think that having kids is selfish, unlike other people here, but if your desire to have kids is because of any reason other than wanting to love and care for someone unconditionally, then I don't think your reasons are valid. Get a pet, get a hobby, find some other meaning for you life.

Personally I've never felt any kind of urge to have children or have any kind of maternal instinct, and I find it comforting to know that once I'm gone I will eventually be forgotten.

 

[Forever Sleep]

To be honest- even the whole: 'Parenthood would give ME a reason to live, I just want something to love' troubles me. It's not like a passive course or experience you are signing up to! There's an independent, sentient life at the core of all of this!

To be fair, I think responsible would-be parents are probably thinking about the child too. They may be picturing all the loving, happy experiences they will be able to give them. Maybe the love they themselves didn't receive even.

Maybe it's my own bias but, I suppose I see it as too rose tinted though. There are so many things in this world even the very best of parents can't protect their child from. And it really is a complete coin toss as to how well their child will cope with them- despite their parents love. Many of us do have reasonable parents here. Things can still so easily go to shit!

But yeah, I actually find it sort of distressing when people coax others to have children. A college therapist once asked me if I wanted them. I just thought- it's clear I'm struggling majorly in life. How would it be fair on the child for someone like me to bring them here? There's no way I could equip them for this world. Besides- what good would it do them to see me like this? It would be messed up to bring them into my mess! The most motherly thing I could personally do is to leave them safely non existing.

As for a legacy, nah. My child would undoubtably be cursed with creative genes which would make it incredibly difficult for them to find a job they enjoy that pays them enough to survive. My genes are best fading out. Plus, they likely wouldn't be confident or optimistic either. Either through nature or nurture. The poor thing would be better off not experiencing this world with those disadvantages. I only wish my own parents had figured that one out.

 

[ma0]

If you see a child purely as an "accomplishment" or "legacy" then you are a horrible, selfish parent. Ignoring the fact that having a child in the modern world is batshit insane, the only reason you should ever want a kid is because you want to nurture and care for new life.

People who seen children as "trophies" are in for a rude awakening when they actually have to take care of it.

 

[divinemistress36]

If people want kids they should adopt. Its selfish to bring new souls into this world of suffering

 

[areyousafe??]

My dream when I was growing up was to adopt a daughter and give her so much love, support and guidance, the most that a girl can ever hope for.

 

[Redleaf1992]

My biggest concern with kids is the fucked up world we leave behind for them. As a population we turn a blind eye to climate change and happily destroy the planet, sinultanously we have kids to live the consequences we make.

I think about my nephews and feel so sorry for what they have in store for them.

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

I have two girls, they're 16 and 18 now and they're both quite happy. They were both unplanned, the first one was an accident, and the second was a birth control failure. I'm glad we had the second one because growing up as a single child can suck, I did and I hated it. They always had each other to play and look out for each other, and they've always been very close.

Raising children was difficult, but I had experience helping raise children in my family and I enjoy it. My wife and I are both highly educated, and the first years of our girl's lives was spent in universities which was very stimulating. After we finished grad school we both landed high paid jobs and we were always well-off to affluent. The girls went to public schools, but they were in nice neighborhoods with the best schools in the state. Both daughters have done well in school, the older one has gone off to a top school for computer science near New York City and she loves it.

We were busy with two careers so it was hard to find time to parent, but we made sure they had everything they needed and we worked from home so we were available. Parenting can be very rewarding, I loved having kids around laughing, being silly, playing games, and having fun. My wife spent a lot of time helping with homework and teaching them to cook. The younger one is great with people and she made a lot of friends who would come over to visit and sleepovers, so sometimes the house would be packed with screaming girls. There were difficult times of course, but we never had any major disagreements and they're pretty well adjusted.

I also have a big family that cares about the girls, so they have an extended support network if anything happens to us. They have strong bonds with my parents. My wife's parents are in Russia so it's hard to see them, but they're hoping to visit this year too. We have a lot of family get-togethers so they know their extended family. Everybody in my extended family is happy, I'm the sole outlier. They aren't all super well off, but they support each other and live comfortably.

My step-brother also has kids, and he's also educated and successful. He's a distinguished chemistry professor at a top university in Australia, and his wife is partner at a major law firm. Their kids are super happy and well cared for. When you have kids one of the biggest instincts is to try to give them a better live than you had, and I think we've succeeded at that.

 

[inthebay]

it's very complicated. a lot of people have already said things i agree with. i think another huge problem wrt raising kids is community. in some places, people have large communities that can help them raise a child. in other places, the kids have no community. i think a lot of mistreatment of children comes from the children not having a large safety network, and multiple people they can go to for support and guidance. another problem imo is lack of legal rights and protections for children.

 

[slomowreck]

I have two girls, they're 16 and 18 now and they're both quite happy. They were both unplanned, the first one was an accident, and the second was a birth control failure. I'm glad we had the second one because growing up as a single child can suck, I did and I hated it. They always had each other to play and look out for each other, and they've always been very close.

Raising children was difficult, but I had experience helping raise children in my family and I enjoy it. My wife and I are both highly educated, and the first years of our girl's lives was spent in universities which was very stimulating. After we finished grad school we both landed high paid jobs and we were always well-off to affluent. The girls went to public schools, but they were in nice neighborhoods with the best schools in the state. Both daughters have done well in school, the older one has gone off to a top school for computer science near New York City and she loves it.

We were busy with two careers so it was hard to find time to parent, but we made sure they had everything they needed and we worked from home so we were available. Parenting can be very rewarding, I loved having kids around laughing, being silly, playing games, and having fun. My wife spent a lot of time helping with homework and teaching them to cook. The younger one is great with people and she made a lot of friends who would come over to visit and sleepovers, so sometimes the house would be packed with screaming girls. There were difficult times of course, but we never had any major disagreements and they're pretty well adjusted.

I also have a big family that cares about the girls, so they have an extended support network if anything happens to us. They have strong bonds with my parents. My wife's parents are in Russia so it's hard to see them, but they're hoping to visit this year too. We have a lot of family get-togethers so they know their extended family. Everybody in my extended family is happy, I'm the sole outlier. They aren't all super well off, but they support each other and live comfortably.

My step-brother also has kids, and he's also educated and successful. He's a distinguished chemistry professor at a top university in Australia, and his wife is partner at a major law firm. Their kids are super happy and well cared for. When you have kids one of the biggest instincts is to try to give them a better live than you had, and I think we've succeeded at that.

Thank you for this. As a parent of two girls myself I agree with you. We have duties and obligations to our children to give them our all. We can do that and maybe extend to far, but for me that's ok! I would rather give them the world and bow out

 

[SilentSadness]

What legacy, no one will remember me in 100 years regardless of anything. Most people give nonsense reasons for dragging life into this world, a common one I hear is that "babies are cute" as if that means anything. Nothing matters to be honest, absurdity is reality.

 

[darksouls2kicksass]

I don't intrinsically have a problem with people having kids, but I'm certainly not comfortable with the thought of it. I wouldn't want to pass down poisoned genes, especially not to be forced to live on the planet as it currently stands

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Having children is one of the most selfish decisions one could make. I've come to lose a lot of respect for those who decide to have children. This is only made worse by the fact that parents seem to generally display a pattern of both dehumanizing their children and lacking any self-awareness. I don't get why people feel the need to force someone into existence, risking them going through horrible suffering, all because of their own selfish desires. I also don't get why we are expected to congratulate others on getting pregnant/impregnating someone.

While I may be understanding when it comes to instances where people are forced into parenthood, such as in cases of being impregnated as a result of SA, I can't find it in me to extend those feelings towards those who decide to have kids.

 

[Ariii]

I genuinely cannot imagine me ever being a good parent. I'm too emotionally and socially stunted/shutoff to give someone a proper childhood. That plus literally NEVER having had the urge for my own children would make me a pretty shit parent. Would probably end up on r/regretfulparents or just going out to get a pack of cigarettes, as bad as it is to admit.

Also, never really understood the concept of 'a legacy' anyways. I don't see why I would want people to remember me and I don't see why I should care. And it's a pretty shit reason for kids imo. You don't have a kid because you want to feel important in your life (that will probably be forgotten within a few generations), you want a kid because you want to have someone you can love and raise into the best possible version of themselves.

 

[particularrodent]

i am not my parents' legacy. i am just me. what is with the narcissism of parents like this..

plus, im the most hilarious (read: horrifying) legacy anyone could ever leave. i am an insult to all of my ancestors, and honestly, good riddance lmao

 

[NonEssential]

Fuck legacy, I want to be forgotten.