Venting People who know how to make friends never had to learn "how to make friends" and I missed out on whatever that is

[dead22222]

I think I failed because when I was really young I never was able to learn how to be social properly because my family is reclusive and doesnt know themselves. Most social people know intuitivley and they already had the forgiving enviornment of childhood to repeat mistakes over and over until they got it.

My parents never modeled any of that for me. In every social interaction im painfully trying to appease the other person and get away from them as fast as possible, I have a belief that other people are always trying to hurt me somehow in the background that is so strong I cant tell reality anymore from it.

I dont know if its that I am flawed as a person and people dont like me because of it, or im so deficient in anything social that nothing makes sense to me.

I really want healthy social connections to people and life, but I dont even know what that is anymore. I only have glimmers of memories from when I was a kid that im working hard to recover more of. I dont want to stare at the nothingness anymore and fill my head with thoughts about consuming and survival, I want to be with what life is really about which is experiences with other people while being authentic. Is it stupid im looking to learn to be social while also trying to be 100% authentic if my temperament is to be extremely shy? Or does that just mean I have work to do?

 

[yowai]

You just have work to do, your parents didn't teach you skills like that so it's your job now to teach yourself. There's self help books for that, look online for some recommendations, maybe start therapy to talk through certain situations with someone who won't judge and might show you a new perspective. There's a lot of opportunities to make friends, in your job, hobby circles, lots of different communities, just because you missed out on that in school doesn't mean it's over. You might still be shy after doing hard work but it's okay, in every social circle there's a quiet one, as long as it doesn't ruin your life because you're too afraid to put yourself out there

 

[Blue Dream]

I think I failed because when I was really young I never was able to learn how to be social properly because my family is reclusive and doesnt know themselves. Most social people know intuitivley and they already had the forgiving enviornment of childhood to repeat mistakes over and over until they got it.

My parents never modeled any of that for me. In every social interaction im painfully trying to appease the other person and get away from them as fast as possible, I have a belief that other people are always trying to hurt me somehow in the background that is so strong I cant tell reality anymore from it.

I dont know if its that I am flawed as a person and people dont like me because of it, or im so deficient in anything social that nothing makes sense to me.

I really want healthy social connections to people and life, but I dont even know what that is anymore. I only have glimmers of memories from when I was a kid that im working hard to recover more of. I dont want to stare at the nothingness anymore and fill my head with thoughts about consuming and survival, I want to be with what life is really about which is experiences with other people while being authentic. Is it stupid im looking to learn to be social while also trying to be 100% authentic if my temperament is to be extremely shy? Or does that just mean I have work to do?

It means you got work to do. You can still learn, but the more compatible they are with you the easier it will be. Your authentic self is shy but your authentic desire is to connect with others, so you're leaving your comfort zone big time. Ironically being flawed is a prerequisite to open and healthy connections.

 

[dead22222]

You just have work to do, your parents didn't teach you skills like that so it's your job now to teach yourself. There's self help books for that, look online for some recommendations, maybe start therapy to talk through certain situations with someone who won't judge and might show you a new perspective. There's a lot of opportunities to make friends, in your job, hobby circles, lots of different communities, just because you missed out on that in school doesn't mean it's over. You might still be shy after doing hard work but it's okay, in every social circle there's a quiet one, as long as it doesn't ruin your life because you're too afraid to put yourself out there

It means you got work to do. You can still learn, but the more compatible they are with you the easier it will be. Your authentic self is shy but your authentic desire is to connect with others, so you're leaving your comfort zone big time. Ironically being flawed is a prerequisite to open and healthy connections.

thanks i will keep trying and working to figure it out, "Ironically being flawed is a prerequisite to open and healthy connections." i am gonna think about this a lot

 

[pointblank]

I think you need to shift your paradigm that human beings are inherently untrustworthy. That's what I'm seeing from your post that needs change. It will make a domino effect and make establishing connections more easy.

 

[dead22222]

I think you need to shift your paradigm that human beings are inherently untrustworthy. That's what I'm seeing from your post that needs change. It will make a domino effect and make establishing connections more easy.

thanks for your insight ill work on this also