People who have been on here for years..

[StateOfMind]

..may I ask why you have not ctb'd yet?

 

[Soul]

Does that include people who've been here a bit over a year?
My illness hasn't become unbearable yet.

 

[Dead beat dad]

..may I ask why you have not ctb'd yet?

Parental responsibility... SI... Generally bit of a pussy...

 

[I want to end it]

I think I'm the oldest account here which is still active. I was planning to in 2018, but I tried to push through things and I felt bad for how my parents would react. Things looked a bit better in the middle of last year. But now I've hit rock bottom and I see no way back. So I am planning to in the next few months.

 

[StateOfMind]

Does that include people who've been here a bit over a year?
My illness hasn't become unbearable yet.

Sure. What illness do you have?

I think I'm the oldest account here which is still active. I was planning to in 2018, but I tried to push through things and I felt bad for how my parents would react. Things looked a bit better in the middle of last year. But now I've hit rock bottom and I see no way back. So I am planning to in the next few months.

Are you in the states?

 

[Soul]

Sure. What illness do you have?

Are you in the states?

A long-drawn-out terminal one that causes increasing discomfort and dependence on others.

No, I'm in Europe.

 

[SpottedPanda]

I tried to use an exit bag but got spooked before trying it out, a mixture of failing to prepare and the setup not being as expected.

When next I felt the urge I went down the research route, until I found a suitable method.

Lockdown put my plans on hold, so I'm waiting until things are back to normal, and I'm back at home.

 

[Eren]

Because I feel guilty for hurting my mother.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

It got better then it got much worse. Since then SI prevented me to CTB, hopium and being watched

 

[Throwawaysoul]

I'm a single father waiting for my kid to graduate highschool. There are still recovery methods I would like to try. There is no one to watch my kid , so some recovery options can't happen until my kid is 18.

 

[hatelife]

Parental responsibility... SI... Generally bit of a pussy...

Yes n fear of even worse things after life too, anxiety is my worse problem, its making me so scared sometimes I just lay in bed n pray to God like ocd pray in my head nonstop

 

[Final Escape]

..may I ask why you have not ctb'd yet?

Not prepared enough. Fear of pain and dying. Forgot my N at my apartment when I moved out :("

 

[x-Ace-x]

Well, I wanted to get ready and have enough information before ctb. So I searched through all the megathreads and weighting the best option to me and it took some time.

Decided on the hanging, then tried testing it but couldn't pass out. Tried the same with a ratchet - still couldn't pass out. One time it got stuck and I started suffocating - had to cut it off with scissors, wasn't nice at all + was at home.

CO, N2, 1.6 butanediol, jumping didn't suit my situation. Been researching and searching till came to the SN method. Now waiting to get additional meds. Initialy thought to go only by fasting + SN but heck, I can't risk failing it.

2019 were a little better, sitting at home is killing me and I don't wanna get back there never again. Staying at home hurts less than the thought of getting back. Hopefully my life will end at 2020.

 

[Alec]

I've been here for a bit over a year, I still haven't because I guess I'm still not entirely sure it's a right choice for me just yet, maybe I should wait a tinniest bit longer. If I'm honest I'm not sure why I still haven't killed myself, funny you made this thread now because right now is exactly the time I'm dedicating to thinking over everything about why I'm still here and if I want to wait a bit longer or there's no more point. I gave myself a week to think it over, today's the last day and I don't have the answer, I think I'm gonna take until next Friday, I've been avoiding thinking about it if I'm honest.

Love,
—Alec.

 

[ceelo]

Not prepared enough. Fear of pain and dying. Forgot my N at my apartment when I moved out :("

jesus christ thats painful to read lmao, it probs got dashed down the drain

 

[crea_the_hopeless]

Im honestly just too scared. Or I get too scatter brained to prepare. Sometimes I wish it could be an instant act, because if it were I would have ctb a long time ago. Cause it seems like when I've finally mustered up enough courage I have to wait due to the fast. Then when I finally am fasted something comes up or I chicken out or the time of day just isn't feasible for me to do so.

 

[Red]

Does that include people who've been here a bit over a year?
My illness hasn't become unbearable yet.

Same

Parental responsibility... SI... Generally bit of a pussy...

And same
And also stupid hope

 

[lululoo]

Took a long time to research and acquire method, then shifting circumstances made me delay it, then things got a bit better for a while. They have crashed again, but there were a few more things I felt I needed to try before giving up (almost done with that). Also SI mixed in all along.

 

[BaconCheeseburger]

I've been here since 2018... The day before my friend CTB ironically. Survival instinct and lack of opportunity has kept me here. That and I go through ebbs and flows of suicidal feelings and 'normal' feelings. I have recently bought a DIY will kit I need to fill out, so maybe that's my brain's way of saying 'I'm making slow progress towards it'?

 

[Rue89]

I haven't been on SS long, but I've been thinking about ctb for years. The main thing that has made me want to die has also been my biggest hurdle - anxiety. It's ruining my life, but also makes ctb hard. It's not the dying, but the process. I've thought about different methods over the years, done research, and anxiety over the physical pain, discomfort, etc while dying has stopped me. I practiced partial hanging but my SI kicked in and I knew I'd never be a able to go that way. Now I have SN. I've tried to go through with it twice but my anxiety has stopped me both times. The first time had a lot to do with the location and stuff going on around me, the second time, I don't know, my anxiety just kicked in like crazy. I couldn't move, I couldn't do anything, much less even get my SN out of my bag. Hopefully tomorrow third time is the charm. I know if I can push through my anxiety just long enough I'll be able to go through with it.

 

[Soulless_Angel]

Joined under a different user name April 2019, Still here 2 serious failed attempts, one wtf, Only still here due to stupid lock down

 

[TotallyIsolated]

Because I'm a worthless cowardly piece of shit.

I'm not really suicidal. I just want pity so I can wallow in it.

 

[TowerUpright]

I'm waiting for time alone and also for my kids to get a bit bigger.

 

[soda_pressed]

Because things got better for a while

 

[Final Escape]

jesus christ thats painful to read lmao, it probs got dashed down the drain

Im an idiot lol!

 

[TAW122]

My main reasons (I'm a long time member, who joined almost 2 years ago) are that things have gotten desolate and sucky, but almost all the time when I'm ready to end it, there happens to be a turnabout of an event that pushes my CTB date back further. I do know that I will be CTB'ing sooner than later, but of course, 2020 started out with a lot of bullshit, the pandemic (Covid-19) and then some sucky life events that push me further into despair. For the current situation, I am not able to CTB because of the pandemic and not being able to readily access my means of escape as well as still living at home. When I get the opportunity to move out and live elsewhere, I would be more at liberty to go about things without raising suspicions.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

..may I ask why you have not ctb'd yet?

Yeah, you can ask.

 

[SHThrowAway213]

I've tried but my hanging attempts never work, my husband found my SN and the only cliff I can jump off is 80 foot.

 

[coldeyes]

My take: Heidegger called it the call. There's a call which is uncompromising and uncomfortable. It calls you to what you don't want. So you try to numb the call by trying to be special..., like making lots of money, buying stuff, having a family,...., mmmmh, wanting to cbt and won't do it. .., but the call is simple : faith. Trust in God. Humility. Simple call. Simplifying complex simple reality. What all religions teach.
When we reject that call, here we are. Here is all of us. Here's everybody

 

[I screwed up]

My reasons for still being here
1) SI
2) Lack of opportunity as I live with my parents
3) Most Important I think - I am gutless even to attempt .
I hate myself