I know this is kind of a privilege. I have friends and I really appreciate that I have them in my life. But there are also different people who want to spend tine with me. Moreover I have a strong desire for a girlfriend. I would not take any girlfriend though. We should fit together which is difficult. I am good in making friends but horrible when I approach women due to my conditions which make me overthink everything in an absurd way.
But now to the people who I don't want to spend time with.
My sister is going through a really tough time. I don't want to go into details. I messaged her and asked her if she wants to meet with me. Prior she asked my mom whether I could spend time with her. I have to do stuff for college. Though I will take some time for one meeting with her. She was very happy when I asked her that. There is one thing I really resent what my sister did. When we talked about the child abuse of our parents she said the following. If you felt so bad about the abuse of my mother (she beated me up on a daily basis which started at the age of 5 and lasted for mor than a decade) I just should have hit her back. She blamed it on me. And she sounded kind of arrogant when she said it. It was clearly victim blaming. In general my sister is not that smart. Though she is far smarter than my parents. She is not that empathetic. And we are different, we don't have a perfect chemistry. She mostly wants to play video games with me. Which is kind ironic. As a child or teenager I was so desperate that she did not want to play with me that I paid her one time for it.
People who I consider part of my support network and close friends must be loyal, honest and upright people. My sister does not fully fit that description. The way she talked about suicide was not empathetic which is real important to me. I already cut some former friends out of my life. They bragged too much about money, sex and women. And talked pejoratively about my illnesses. My close friends kind of wonder how I can do this so easily. Idk I am kind of principled. There are behaviors which I don't accept. And if you want to have close contact with me you have to deal with it.
By the way: As you probably know I am spending a lot of time in this forum. It really gives me a lot of strength, empathy and compassion. People who are suicidal too know how it feels. And it is comforting to know that people here also know how it feels to hate their life every single day. So this forum is more valuable to me than some of the people I mention here. But it is also due to the heterogenous crowd and anonymity why I like this forum.
There is one acquaintance who I don't really consider my friend. My closest friends ask themselves why I waste my time with him. They would never accept his polititcal views etc. He is kind of insane. He is far right, talks pejoratively about unemployed people and he himself is unemployed and does not want to change it. He once told me he thinks women should not have human rights. He reads way to much intellectuals from centuries ago and believes everything they say. I sometimes block the contact with him. Or I reduce it. The thing is we share a very similar childhood. Severe child abuse from our parents. And I want to learn how to survive with welfare benfits. Yeah I concluded I cannot learn many tricks from him. He is used from early childhood to poverty. I will probably kill myself because of it. Sometimes we still message each other. He often sends memes how to trigger some libs. Which is his main hobby. Seldomly we meet each other. He has a girlfriend by the way. Despite his view on women. I don't invite him to my birthday parties because otherwise my friends would boycott the party. Lol.
Then there is the rest of my family. Sometimes I talk with my parents. Both are as stupid as one must be to ruin the lives of their kids. My dad is a lost case. He is so fucking stupid. The thing is he can work despite his foolishness. I envy that. I avoid too much consersations with them. I sometimes update them about problems and college. My dad forgets everything I say to him 30 seconds afterwards. Even faster if I tell him a truth he does not want to hear.
My grandmother. She would like to spend more time with me. But I don't want to. I told my parents I wil probably kill myself due to poverty and the abuse. And I blame both of them for it. They are extremely good at ignoring the guilt etc. Though honestly I also blame my grandmother. She did not intervene when I was a child. They sometimes told my mom not to be this strict with me but nothing more. She blamed me for the death of her husband. He died when he witnessed an argument between my mom, me and my grandmother. They wanted to throw me out because I insisted the abuse has ruined my life. She blamed me a lot his death. But at least she has stopped doing that. It hurt me a lot. I avoid too much contact with her. I cannot tell her my true feelings. That I am suicidal almost without any break and probably gonna ctb in the future. Maybe she dies soon. I don't want that she is scared about me when she dies. It is difficult for me not to be honest and tell the truth that I also blame her for the abuse. It is like an arrangement with my conscience. I won't accuse her for what she did (or not did). But I don't want to spend much time with her. She now enjoys life again. She has recovered from the tragic death of my grandfather. I tell myself she has a way way higher life quality than me when I get a guilty conscience not to spend time with her. Maybe I am just a little bit too upright. Idk.
A dude in my self-help group. I still have contact with the not sane (it is just the truth) bipolar girl who always relapses because she stops taking medication. She is fully delusional her whole life. I like her. She is a good person and people tend to ignore or avoid her. I don't. The people in my self-help group wanted that she leaves. Because it is too upsetting to watch her tragic life (or they just said she was bothersome). I think many in my groups are ignorant and just don't want to be confronted with too much negativity. A trait I really hate. Yes there is this dude. Also a loner. I think he also has a desire for a partner and he barely has friends. He really made me mad when he talked about suicide. I had the feeling he feels superior because he can resist his suicidality. When one group member might have ctb he made a joke about the person. This was the moment he fucked up with me. I think he wants that I join the meetings again. But honestly writing here in this forum is way more comforting. When I opended up in my self-help group about suicidality it was so awkward. I don't want to get hurt. Though one time I talked extensively with a member of our self-help group he is also severely suicidal. It was very interesting. He tried several time to kill himself, I could relate to him. He more or less alluded: Yeah I gonna kill myself. There is no other outcome of my life. I know it already. You could see it in his eyes he was deadly serious. He was more determined than me. I am also convinced I gonna probably ctb. But I had the feeling he did not really have any hope. He still lives, And he is kind of successful. But I think he acts to be fine in front of other people. I ask myself whether his wife knows the truth.
Yeah I know I am privilged. People want to spend time with me and I should be thankful for it. But honestly this forum is sometimes way more healing for me than contact with people I don't consider upright.
Though my 3 closest friends mean the world for me. But one of them needs to be proteced from my suicidality. He also had depression and he says my suicidality can make him feel bad.
But now to the people who I don't want to spend time with.
My sister is going through a really tough time. I don't want to go into details. I messaged her and asked her if she wants to meet with me. Prior she asked my mom whether I could spend time with her. I have to do stuff for college. Though I will take some time for one meeting with her. She was very happy when I asked her that. There is one thing I really resent what my sister did. When we talked about the child abuse of our parents she said the following. If you felt so bad about the abuse of my mother (she beated me up on a daily basis which started at the age of 5 and lasted for mor than a decade) I just should have hit her back. She blamed it on me. And she sounded kind of arrogant when she said it. It was clearly victim blaming. In general my sister is not that smart. Though she is far smarter than my parents. She is not that empathetic. And we are different, we don't have a perfect chemistry. She mostly wants to play video games with me. Which is kind ironic. As a child or teenager I was so desperate that she did not want to play with me that I paid her one time for it.
People who I consider part of my support network and close friends must be loyal, honest and upright people. My sister does not fully fit that description. The way she talked about suicide was not empathetic which is real important to me. I already cut some former friends out of my life. They bragged too much about money, sex and women. And talked pejoratively about my illnesses. My close friends kind of wonder how I can do this so easily. Idk I am kind of principled. There are behaviors which I don't accept. And if you want to have close contact with me you have to deal with it.
By the way: As you probably know I am spending a lot of time in this forum. It really gives me a lot of strength, empathy and compassion. People who are suicidal too know how it feels. And it is comforting to know that people here also know how it feels to hate their life every single day. So this forum is more valuable to me than some of the people I mention here. But it is also due to the heterogenous crowd and anonymity why I like this forum.
There is one acquaintance who I don't really consider my friend. My closest friends ask themselves why I waste my time with him. They would never accept his polititcal views etc. He is kind of insane. He is far right, talks pejoratively about unemployed people and he himself is unemployed and does not want to change it. He once told me he thinks women should not have human rights. He reads way to much intellectuals from centuries ago and believes everything they say. I sometimes block the contact with him. Or I reduce it. The thing is we share a very similar childhood. Severe child abuse from our parents. And I want to learn how to survive with welfare benfits. Yeah I concluded I cannot learn many tricks from him. He is used from early childhood to poverty. I will probably kill myself because of it. Sometimes we still message each other. He often sends memes how to trigger some libs. Which is his main hobby. Seldomly we meet each other. He has a girlfriend by the way. Despite his view on women. I don't invite him to my birthday parties because otherwise my friends would boycott the party. Lol.
Then there is the rest of my family. Sometimes I talk with my parents. Both are as stupid as one must be to ruin the lives of their kids. My dad is a lost case. He is so fucking stupid. The thing is he can work despite his foolishness. I envy that. I avoid too much consersations with them. I sometimes update them about problems and college. My dad forgets everything I say to him 30 seconds afterwards. Even faster if I tell him a truth he does not want to hear.
My grandmother. She would like to spend more time with me. But I don't want to. I told my parents I wil probably kill myself due to poverty and the abuse. And I blame both of them for it. They are extremely good at ignoring the guilt etc. Though honestly I also blame my grandmother. She did not intervene when I was a child. They sometimes told my mom not to be this strict with me but nothing more. She blamed me for the death of her husband. He died when he witnessed an argument between my mom, me and my grandmother. They wanted to throw me out because I insisted the abuse has ruined my life. She blamed me a lot his death. But at least she has stopped doing that. It hurt me a lot. I avoid too much contact with her. I cannot tell her my true feelings. That I am suicidal almost without any break and probably gonna ctb in the future. Maybe she dies soon. I don't want that she is scared about me when she dies. It is difficult for me not to be honest and tell the truth that I also blame her for the abuse. It is like an arrangement with my conscience. I won't accuse her for what she did (or not did). But I don't want to spend much time with her. She now enjoys life again. She has recovered from the tragic death of my grandfather. I tell myself she has a way way higher life quality than me when I get a guilty conscience not to spend time with her. Maybe I am just a little bit too upright. Idk.
A dude in my self-help group. I still have contact with the not sane (it is just the truth) bipolar girl who always relapses because she stops taking medication. She is fully delusional her whole life. I like her. She is a good person and people tend to ignore or avoid her. I don't. The people in my self-help group wanted that she leaves. Because it is too upsetting to watch her tragic life (or they just said she was bothersome). I think many in my groups are ignorant and just don't want to be confronted with too much negativity. A trait I really hate. Yes there is this dude. Also a loner. I think he also has a desire for a partner and he barely has friends. He really made me mad when he talked about suicide. I had the feeling he feels superior because he can resist his suicidality. When one group member might have ctb he made a joke about the person. This was the moment he fucked up with me. I think he wants that I join the meetings again. But honestly writing here in this forum is way more comforting. When I opended up in my self-help group about suicidality it was so awkward. I don't want to get hurt. Though one time I talked extensively with a member of our self-help group he is also severely suicidal. It was very interesting. He tried several time to kill himself, I could relate to him. He more or less alluded: Yeah I gonna kill myself. There is no other outcome of my life. I know it already. You could see it in his eyes he was deadly serious. He was more determined than me. I am also convinced I gonna probably ctb. But I had the feeling he did not really have any hope. He still lives, And he is kind of successful. But I think he acts to be fine in front of other people. I ask myself whether his wife knows the truth.
Yeah I know I am privilged. People want to spend time with me and I should be thankful for it. But honestly this forum is sometimes way more healing for me than contact with people I don't consider upright.
Though my 3 closest friends mean the world for me. But one of them needs to be proteced from my suicidality. He also had depression and he says my suicidality can make him feel bad.
