miminkpo
Member
- Aug 20, 2021
- 26
I know, I'm sure I've tried. I'm sure I've done so much, even if it's invisible for the most part. However, when I say I'm tired of making effort, I'm tired of going on and on with suffering, that I'm just done with having nothing succeed... I just get told that I've got to try harder. What even is harder. People tell me what to do, all the time. Sometimes I follow through, sometimes I decide against it. Anyhow, when it doesn't work out I get ''you're not trying''.
My therapist has helped and she doesn't say that. Instead, what she thinks is a better response is ''you're not allowing yourself to be happy''. And it might be true, that I'm just ''so scared'' of feeling well that I just self-sabotage. But I just don't want that, I don't feel well doing that either (obviously). If that's what you think I'm doing, and let's say it is, and you see that I cannot stop... what else is there?
''It's the depression talking''. When I get like this, it seems people think I'm not me anymore. That... I just don't want to die, it's some monster lurking behind me that they just would prefer not to see, and instead talk to the real me. Well... that's me. That's who I really am, right now. And if I'm not, I'm afraid ''Me'' has been dead long enough.
I live, so others can feel satisfied that I do. Not because I am alive, but because I'm not dead. Because that would be devastating somehow to the people who want the best for me... instead, I just suffer further for them. Yeah, they do convince me sometimes that I could be the happiest person alive if ''x'' or ''z'' or if only I didn't something or something else. But when I fail... it's me who's doing it wrong. It's me who doesn't want to stop feeling like shit.
I just want an answer from those who think alike. I've gotten the same side of the story for the longest time, I just need to hear someone tell me ''yeah, it does really feel like shit... so shit, one would kill themself''. Just someone who isn't judgemental, someone who can understand. Because even people who are or were suicidal, will tell me ''no, don't do it... you've got so much to live for''. I don't know if they are lying to me or to themselves.
Thanks for reading all of this.
My therapist has helped and she doesn't say that. Instead, what she thinks is a better response is ''you're not allowing yourself to be happy''. And it might be true, that I'm just ''so scared'' of feeling well that I just self-sabotage. But I just don't want that, I don't feel well doing that either (obviously). If that's what you think I'm doing, and let's say it is, and you see that I cannot stop... what else is there?
''It's the depression talking''. When I get like this, it seems people think I'm not me anymore. That... I just don't want to die, it's some monster lurking behind me that they just would prefer not to see, and instead talk to the real me. Well... that's me. That's who I really am, right now. And if I'm not, I'm afraid ''Me'' has been dead long enough.
I live, so others can feel satisfied that I do. Not because I am alive, but because I'm not dead. Because that would be devastating somehow to the people who want the best for me... instead, I just suffer further for them. Yeah, they do convince me sometimes that I could be the happiest person alive if ''x'' or ''z'' or if only I didn't something or something else. But when I fail... it's me who's doing it wrong. It's me who doesn't want to stop feeling like shit.
I just want an answer from those who think alike. I've gotten the same side of the story for the longest time, I just need to hear someone tell me ''yeah, it does really feel like shit... so shit, one would kill themself''. Just someone who isn't judgemental, someone who can understand. Because even people who are or were suicidal, will tell me ''no, don't do it... you've got so much to live for''. I don't know if they are lying to me or to themselves.
Thanks for reading all of this.