Story People Pleaser (daddys girl)

[nikdiedtoday]

when i was younger i had a shirt that said "daddy's girl" on it it had a red heart and banner. after he was gone i think i ripped it up. i was in the shower a bit ago singing and i thought of a song called 'bridge over troubled water' i had learned it in middle school for a choir concert and i loved it. ''when your weary feeling small when tears are in your eyes i will dry them all. i'm on your side when darkness comes and pain is all around like a bridge over troubled water i will lay me down'' (i'm young and this is deep) anyway. my dad loved music he had a drum set and when he was fighting off the evil inside him instead of letting it consume him in the night id wake up to him playing instead of waking up to crushing weight. i think he was trying to play loud as possible to drown out his thoughts. he had guitars too but would only play those here and there. i guess they weren't loud enough. one day he came into my room during the day and i sung that song to him. he told me i was talented. a very very rare slice of kindness from him. when i was showering i wondered why did i sing that song of all songs. why didn't i tell anyone for so long why did i tell someone when i did why did i protect a monster? i think i wanted to see the good in him . to think he wasn't all bad inside. to be his keeper. the one who could keep the real awfulness inside him at bay. to keep the peace. to be enough. when i found out it wasn't just me he was torturing i knew i had to do something. i had to protect my siblings. i would've likely put up with it forever had things not changed. had it just been me. i was awful, a ''hot box'', a shit student, a liar , a dreamer, an attention seeker, i slept wrong, i slept with too many clothes on, i pushed back too much. i was a daddy's girl. they were children. i wasn't not anymore not for a long time. not since i was 6. wrong or right didn't count to me really. if he had been a good dad as well as a pedophile maybe he'd still be around. if he'd have left them alone he'd still be around. i could hold his pain at night. i could fix it. i could see the bad in him and fix it. i knew what it was like because he injected it into my veins. my bones. a monster. when i was showering the thought crossed my mind that i got too old which made me think wow he really was just fucked up. it wasn't the alcohol or the way i slept. '' i didn't do it i didn't do it ....i didn't mean to do it'' was a lie. i'm 23 and it seems i'm only now starting to see it. he was just fucked up. that's it. he was always going to be. either to me my siblings some random girl. someone was going to get it. i'm glad it was me.

talk soon talk soon<3