People love your image, not just you, and why that makes suicide okay

[Stick]

I still sleep with my baby blankets, which isn't the point of this thread but I do, and I truly love them. I have an emotional connection to these dumb blankets, and I would be very sad if they ceased to exist. This is not because I care for them, they have no emotion, but because they stop bein what they mean to me. They stop being my source of comfort.
In that same way, when a death occurs, what causes sadness is not that the other people in the deceased's lives feel the dead person is suffering, but rather the dead is no longer alive, no longer fits their image and definition of that person. They cannot fulfill their role.
That's not to say real, genuine love isn't real-- but that isn't the aspect of love that causes the intense grief people feel after a death.
In this way, I don't quite feel guilty for planning to kill myself, because "I" am already dead. I am not the happy daughter, the future doctor, the hopeful teen that the people in my life have grown to love. They see my sadness and perspective on life as something that is keeping their version of me from reappearing--not the traits that the person I used to be has been replaced by. Also, it's not a good thing but I'm a rather different person, I think, than I appear to be to those I love.
It's only a matter of time before they grieve her disappearance, and so, I don't feel like I will be causing any extra pain when I die; I will simply be bringing the inevitable pain to an earlier date.
Most people view mental illness not as a part of the person it affects, but as something keeping them from being themselves. Sometimes, this can be true, but I don't think so in many cases. It changes how we think and who we are. It's only a matter of time before the people in our lives realize that we are not who they think we are, and they will grieve that image they had.
Again, I do believe I am truly loved, but I don't believe that that is the emotion that has the most impact at death. I think it is this false love that is more impactful on emotion.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i thought i was the only one who thought this way.

the way i see it, as soon as you die, "you" ceases to exist. since you are the only one who knows the true "you", as soon as you die, the real "you" will die, because people will not remember that "you", but their interpretation of you. your truth will be lost.

people will know some part of the real you - the best lie is rooted in truth, after all - but rarely will they ever know the full picture. and i highly doubt they'll think to piece together other people's interpretations of you to figure out who you really were. but even that will never be accurate, because all it is is a guess.

humans are funny creatures. sad, but funny.

 

[TheEndisNear121200]

This really hit me deep.
I've made mistakes in the past that are enough for my parents to disown me if they find out. And because they are oblivious to what happened, I always felt that they only love their version of me and that they don't really love the real me since they don't know the whole truth.
Honestly their version of me has been dead for a long time and there is no way to get it back as it is impossible to go back and fix my mistakes.


I'm sorry if this isn't something you want to hear but I want to ask you something, do you feel that their version of you of the happy daughter and the future doctor is gone forever ? Mental illness does change the way we think as it often messes up with the chemicals in our brain, but that doesn't mean those changes are permanent. In most cases, with correct treatment they are reversible.
You're only 18 years old, and you seem incredibly smart and wise.
I'm only a stranger and my words probably don't mean much but I truly hope you decide to try all the different alternatives and help that is available before going with something big as suicide.

 

[Stick]

i thought i was the only one who thought this way.

the way i see it, as soon as you die, "you" ceases to exist. since you are the only one who knows the true "you", as soon as you die, the real "you" will die, because people will not remember that "you", but their interpretation of you. your truth will be lost.

people will know some part of the real you - the best lie is rooted in truth, after all - but rarely will they ever know the full picture. and i highly doubt they'll think to piece together other people's interpretations of you to figure out who you really were. but even that will never be accurate, because all it is is a guess.

humans are funny creatures. sad, but funny.

I actually learned about this a bit in my communications class, in that there are four quadrants of identity. The surface level that strangers/society sees, the interpersonal quadrant that others see (including traits you may not see in yourself), the inner quadrant (that only you see), and the core that guides all actions and aspects of the other quadrant that cannot be understood even by oneself. No quadrant on it's own is fully accurate, only all four together is the true self.
It is sad, we don't even get to know ourselves.

This really hit me deep.
I've made mistakes in the past that are enough for my parents to disown me if they find out. And because they are oblivious to what happened, I always felt that they only love their version of me and that they don't really love the real me since they don't know the whole truth.
Honestly their version of me has been dead for a long time and there is no way to get it back as it is impossible to go back and fix my mistakes.


I'm sorry if this isn't something you want to hear but I want to ask you something, do you feel that their version of you of the happy daughter and the future doctor is gone forever ? Mental illness does change the way we think as it often messes up with the chemicals in our brain, but that doesn't mean those changes are permanent. In most cases, with correct treatment they are reversible.
You're only 18 years old, and you seem incredibly smart and wise.
I'm only a stranger and my words probably don't mean much but I truly hope you decide to try all the different alternatives and help that is available before going with something big as suicide.

Im sorry that you feel that way, it really is difficult to not be yourself. I'm glad my post was able to hit a chord in you, and I hope it makes you feel a bit more understood.
I don't just think I am gone, I think the version of me they see was never here. Not just mental illness, but the way I present and think about myself is very different from what the people I know in real life see me as.
It's hard to explain in just a post, but I see myself almost like my own daughter. I've built up "Kate" (my "real" name)—I've given her a childhood, an identity, I've controlled her and gave her life, but am not present in her life. Her family is not my family, even if I love them like they are. Her childhood is not my childhood, even if it has affected me. Ive put so much effort into making her who she is, yet, I cannot be happy as someone I am not. Yet, I cannot be happy as not her. I've put too much effort to simply throw that identity away, and doing so is worse than death in my eyes.
I feel like every time someone asks me this question, I give a different answer. It's all just so many small things. I could tell you I need to die because of my intense anxiety attacks, but well, those can be fixed. Or maybe it's my identity issues, sure, that can go away. I can work through my childhood with a therapist, I could fix a lot of my issues. The problem is that it's too many. There are just... too many small things to fix. I know this doesn't explain a lot, but I don't know a better way to right now.
I appreciate you asking, I really do appreciate you trying to help. It's just too much for my brain to explain right now.

 

[224]

I think the only reason people grieve someones suicide is bc its the negative effect society created about death. I always think if i moved away right now who would still call me or check up on me, if I do not call first? Those r the people who r really there for you. I mean I personally cannot think of anyone, I hope you can. People who say oh I am here if u ever want to talk, but don't reach out?? I am like whats the point. People only take suicide seriously once your dead, before that u r just being "dramatic."

 

[Xocoyotziin]

And this absolutely explains the suicide is selfish meme. I disagree about it being the cause of deep grief, I think to really grieve for someone you have to know them on something approaching that impossible authentic level. Grief, to me, is rooted in the extinguishment of the true beauty of that person, rather than the role they played in your life. But "superficial grief", the kind that evokes anger and denial, has everything to do with one's own life destabilizing because a cog was removed.

Most people view mental illness not as a part of the person it affects, but as something keeping them from being themselves

I've noticed this a lot in bereavement posts. "His depression stole him from us", etc. I think it's a way to reinforce the role that that person assigned after the inconvenient truth of the falsehood of that role is revealed, and a barrier towards truly grieving for that person as an entity. Personally i would be infuriated if I became a ghost and someone took away my agency by saying its something an illness did to me just because I didn't do what they wanted. It's oppressive.